Hi, Jose.

Thanks for the interview. I know this is a tough time for you. So, you shot your middle finger off cleaning your gun?

Clearly. And that’s a positive way to look at it. At least it was just a finger, you know? There are body parts that are a lot more important.

Hey, good for you. You look like you try to stay young and work out.

You look good, Jose. You really do.

I did not say you do, Jose. I never once said that. Back to the shooting accident for a minute — and I’m not trying to lecture you — but I hope you learned the value of gun safety and keeping guns unloaded and locked up? Where is your gun right now?

Okay. I’m not sure if that’s safe or not. Gun accidents just happen so fast. If only there were a way to go back in time and not shoot off your finger, right?

Later? Jose, time travel is a huge deal. It would change history. You could go back in time right now and fix everything: shooting off your finger, that home run ball that bounced off your head, Hitler being born, that time you wore a mesh shirt. All of it. Why can’t you explain now?

Is that goat wearing a diaper? I guess you can’t be too safe today with germs and such.

I will. You know, with everything going on in the world — Ebola, people shooting their middle fingers off, goats getting arrested by human police officers — it’s hard not to get down and depressed.

I’ll try that. Wow, Jose … saving puppies, diapering goats. You seem to really be into animals.

I guess.

I’m going to call bull on that one, Jose. Horses are much faster than humans. And I really doubt you ever raced even one horse around the bases. At best, what you’re saying is a theory.

And now you’re onto dinosaur theories?

I mean, with their wings, is what I’d guess. Do you understand how flight works?

Oh. Okay. Thanks.

Noted.

Got it.

CarMax, too? You seem to have a lot of negative experiences with some big-name brands.

Jeez. Don’t you have anything positive to say about anyone?

I’ll check that out the next time I’m in Secaucus. I have to agree with you on what you said about politicians, though. They’re all frauds.

Al Gore isn’t dead.

That may be true. But Al Gore still isn’t dead.

Have you ever considered getting into politics? On a scale of 1–to-10, how likely is it we one day see a Mayor Canseco or Governor Canseco?

I don’t know.

Stop yelling, Jose! I don’t know the answer. I’m sorry. I’m not from New England and I don’t know their state constitutions. Back to my question: on a scale of 1-to-10, how likely is it you get into politics?

But what if nothing opens up in the U.S. or Canada. Is there any other place you see yourself being in a position of power?

Dennis Rodman. Jose Canseco. It makes total sense, actually. You’re right. But what if politics isn’t in the cards? It’s hard to have your finger on the button if you don’t have a finger. Do you have anything else in the works?

Ooooookay. This interview is for a family site, Jose. Not appropriate. It’s probably time to wrap this interview up now. Maybe your painkillers are to blame for the donkey porn comment? Whatever. You said it. It’s public record now. There’s no way to turn back time, unless you’re going to finally spill the details on time travel?

Another theory. But how do we travel through time? I want specifics.

Maybe. But that’s not time travel. Come on, Jose. I want specifics. Details.

Never mind. You’re clearly hopped up on painkillers. I really appreciate your time and hope the finger you shot off stays re-attached. Thanks again.