An Indian may forget to have his dinner, but will never ever, ever, ever forget to watch The Newshour every weekday and of late, Sundays too. If not, how dare he? The nation would demand an answer!

To help newbie spokespersons survive the snake pit that is the Newshour debate, The UnReal Times presents an informative, world-class guide for representatives from various parties, beginning with the Congress party.

Chapter 1 – The Newshour Congress spokesperson 101

The best way to learn to be a Congress spokesperson on The Newshour is to watch Sanjay Jha for exactly 3 days. You will get the drift. Here is a simple algorithm

1. Hear what Arnab has to say (or maybe not, doesn’t really matter; plus Arnab’s voice doesn’t do any good to your ears anyway)

2. Start off by saying “Well, Arnab, before I answer your question, let me tell you 2 points…”

3. This is the MOST CRUCIAL part – BE 200% SURE TO START OFF by saying this VERBATIM - “The BJP is a party whose Prime Ministerial candidate in 2002 has orchestrated and perpetrated large-scale riots which claimed the lives of thousands of innocents.” THE QUESTION CAN GO TO HELL. THIS HAS TO BE YOUR ANSWER, NO MATTER WHAT. Then follow that up with “such being the case, it’s quite funny that they have to accuse us of such things…”

4. Say “Number 2,” and then slow down. By now, in all probability, the BJP spokesperson would have begun a counter-attack. If he/she hasn’t, Arnab himself would have started bashing you by lobbing a few tough questions at you.

5. Bear all the shouting calmly, as Arnab isn’t really looking for an answer from you. After hollering at you for a minute, Arnab will most likely turn to someone else, with a remark like this: “Let me get across to Sankarshan. Isn’t it really strange, Sankarshan?” No one knows why he does this, but why should you complain? :D You are saved from answering the question. Sit back, relax and enjoy some whisky. (Vinod Mehta 101)

6. When he comes back to you after about ten minutes, he might say, “This time, please stick to the point!” Don’t get scared. Say this, “Well, I’ll get to your question, but let me tell you, the BJP is making these vile accusations for the simple reason that they’re scared of the phenomenal groundswell of support which a young icon in Rahul Gandhi is receiving from the public.” If you manage to get this whole sentence out, CONGRATS! You have exceeded expectations by a country mile!

7. The more plausible scenario, however, is that Arnab would have interrupted within 3 seconds of you starting your sentence. Upon Arnab’s interruption, you shouldn’t stop immediately. You should act as if you want to continue. So say, “Hang on, Arnab! Let me finish!” or “Hold on, Arnab! One second, let me complete!” BUT, BUT…say this NOT MORE THAN TWICE. Because if you keep on harping on this, Arnab will indeed ask you to continue and you might have to conjure up stuff on the fly again. So, protest twice and then stop. By then Arnab would have gotten across to Vinod Mehta or Siddharth Varadarajan.

8. On the other hand, if it’s not Arnab, but some other party spokesperson interrupting, you are in luck! Say this: “Let me complete, Mr.___ or Mrs.____. I did not interrupt when you were speaking,” at least once. This allows you to claim the moral high ground and showcase your better manners. The interrupters, no matter how thick skinned they are, usually pause for a second when you rebuke them thus. In that second, quickly get this sentence out: “Mr. Modi doesn’t even have the basic courtesy to apologize for the riots.” The rival spokesperson will then SURELY interrupt again and this time, you can let go. Alternately, you can precipitate a circular loop of interruption-counter interruption with each party insisting that they be allowed to speak before their opponents interrupt.

9. When you get interrupted – this is important – you must not look relieved. Look disappointed. Look gutted. Remember, people are watching you 75% of the time. Ideally, they’d be watching you all the time while others are speaking, but since this is The Newshour, chances are, there are more than a dozen people on the panel, and even on a 40 inch TV, after half the screen is claimed by Arnab, each panelist occupies no more than a square inch. So there’s a good chance that you’ll be off the screen when other panelists are speaking. So yes, fake some disappointment at not being allowed to speak. Throw your hands up in the air; shake your head – the works.

10. The last tip – A Newshour debate usually lasts for 45 minutes to an hour, where about a dozen people speak ALONG with Arnab. You may hear only Arnab’s voice, but that’s just because he’s much louder than most of them. (Ashwin Kumar Newshour Theorem [Trademarked]: At any given point in The Newshour, there are a minimum of three people speaking, the loudest of them being Arnab) Newshour cockfights could get addictive and over time you may come to enjoy them immensely, but do NOT look like you’re having a ball out there. Remember, you’re out there to answer…er, no…you’re out there to LOOK LIKE you’re out there to answer questions. So don’t just stare into the camera like Dr Manmohan Singh. KEEP RAISING YOUR HAND every now and then. I know you definitely do not want to jump into the crocodile pool, but you should look like you want to! Just DON’T MAKE THE FATAL MISTAKE of saying, “Arnab, can I come in?” or “Arnab, can I make a point?” If you do that, he might bring you in and you’ll have to say something again. Just raise your hand and look agitated.

And finally, relax! You are not alone on the Newshour! Since you’re a Congress spokesperson, chances are that either Siddharth Varadarajan or Vinod Mehta will most likely defend your party with points other than the ones you’ve put out. So when they’re speaking, NOD YOUR HEAD IN AGREEMENT. You may not be able to hear what they say in the din, but you can safely assume they’ll back you up.

So, relax, be confident and enter the lion’s den with your head held high! The Newshour debate will get over before you know it! You can thank this UnReal Times columnist later.

(Continued in Chapter 2 – The Newshour BJP spokesperson 101)

(What happened to Arnab Goswami’s milkman when he tried to cheat him? Find out in our bestseller, UnReal Elections)