In all fairness, driving in Yangon is a walk in the park compared to Cairo or Nairobi. And unlike New York there’s no messenger cyclists hanging onto the back of buses as they accelerate through a yellow light on 5th Avenue.

But it has to be said that Yangon could surely do with a few better driving schools - and maybe just a slight change in attitude from its drivers? So for those poor souls arriving here in Yangon from the likes of Australia, Europe, USA, Singapore, etc.. here are my top 10 things to watch out for as you hit the streets:

Door mirrors. You know those things stuck on the side of vehicles? Let me tell you a secret. If you see any in Yangon, you’re hallucinating because no-one, NO-ONE ever uses them here. My old driving instructor used to hit me over the head if I didn’t check my mirrors AND look over my shoulder before changing lanes. The Yangon technique is different. Here standard operating procedure is to look fixedly ahead while edging (or should I say veering) into the lane alongside. You see if there’s another vehicle alongside you it’s THEIR responsibility to sound their horn to warn you not to do the incredibly dumb thing you are about to do.

Indicators. It may be that after decades of driving old wrecks where only the steering wheel (sort of) operated, Yangon drivers have yet to adjust to the fact that their car indicators work. Or maybe they think using indicators will drain the battery, or use more fuel. Who knows? What you do need to know is that you will regularly grind your teeth waiting to pull out from a side road, only to see the car you’ve been waiting to pass you by suddenly turn into the same road you’re waiting in. Had they indicated you could have safely pulled away, but as they didn’t you’re left waiting for more traffic to pass before you get another chance to pull out.

Lane markings. People spend hours painting white lines on the roads, but I have no idea why they bother. White lines are for sissy’s, especially at roundabouts. Want to know how to spot a Brit in Yangon? Head down to any roundabout and watch the cars conscientiously following the marked lane. Yep, that’s a Brit. The only problem is that all the other vehicles take the racing line around roundabouts - if you’re in the far right lane at the entry to the roundabout you drive straight ahead so you reach the far left lane by the apex of the roundabout. You know it makes sense - it’s the shortest, fastest route and therefore saves fuel! Oh, and in case you’re wondering please refer to items 1 and 2 above about the standard operating procedures for use of door mirrors and indicators while adopting this manoeuvre.

Yellow junction boxes. People also get paid to paint these markings on the roads too, but in Yangon their purpose is just to brighten up those dull grey roads. Don’t be fooled into thinking that cars are supposed to keep them clear at all times, especially in traffic jams. What’s the point of watching other drivers being able to move if you can’t? No, no, no. The Yangon way is to completely block up every junction so at least you have the satisfaction of knowing that everyone else is stuck just like you.

Horn. Every empty taxi horns at every person minding their own business walking along the pavement. Don’t they realize if we wanted one of the million taxis around town we would be standing on the kerb flagging them down? My favourite though is the driver behind me at the traffic lights who horns the nanosecond the light changes to green. Does he think this is some quiz game and the first to press the buzzer wins? For goodness sake I CAN SEE TOO! If I COULDN’T see they wouldn’t let me drive (well maybe I’ll take that back because I am absolutely positive that 50% of the bus drivers here are totally blind)! Next time someone does that to me I’m trying a new tactic. I’ll keep my foot firmly on the brake but engage reverse gear so I can see the horror on their faces when they see my reversing lights and think I’m going to reverse into them. Yes they’ll horn even more…

Bicycles. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of bicycles. They have just as much right to be on the road as any car and are a great way to keep fit. I also hope the sai kaa (tri-shaws) remain a part of Yangon’s streets for years to come – they provide a really useful service, enable people to earn a living and add real character to the city. No, my problem is at night. After 3 years living in Yangon I have seen a grand total of one (yes ONE) bicycle with lights on at night. It would be a step in the right direction if bicyclists wore white shirts at night. But no, the preferred outfit is a black Iron Cross T-Shirt and dark longyi. If you don’t see many bicycles on Yangon streets it’s not because people don’t know how to ride them. It’s because we’re in the middle of a real live Darwinian experiment and Yangon bicyclists are becoming extinct as the species get wiped out. Survival of the fittest? No, its survival of the cyclists who ride at night with lights on.

Parking. Most cities have worked out by now that traffic on major roads has to be kept moving and therefore vehicles are not allowed to stop and block a lane. Unfortunately Yangon lives on a different planet, because vehicles can block any lane, anytime. All vehicles also carry a trump card at school times which allows them to double or even triple-park alongside each other while dropping off or collecting kids. Now I have a young kid, so I too want my son to be safe when he goes to school. But can we please do a trade? Let’s introduce traffic wardens at kid’s school crossings and take away drivers’ rights to block any lane on a major road. Is that a deal?

Pedestrian Crossings. I have no doubt the newly opened Mercedes showroom will be a huge success. The distinctive cross-hairs badge on the bonnet of their cars is the perfect accessory for Yangon’s drivers as they aim at any pedestrian foolish enough to step onto a marked pedestrian crossing. As a kid I used to enjoy playing on stepping stones across a stream near my house. In Yangon that experience has given me a critical survival tool as I take a series of leaps from the edge of one lane to another as vehicles whizz by on both sides. I’ve lost weight since I moved to Yangon. It’s not because of the food or the climate, it’s because I need a flat tummy for crossing the road so I can fit between the sides of buses as they roar past me on adjacent lanes.

Betel Leaf and Nut. Why am I talking about a seed when this article is about driving? When I first came to Yangon, I was horrified at the number road deaths, evident by the blood smatters dripping down every driver and passenger door. Since then I’ve learned that emptying the mulched red contents of your mouth over your own vehicle door, the road, any adjacent car or nearby pedestrian is considered acceptable behavior. My advice is to always, ALWAYS keep your window closed when inside your car, and carry an umbrella when walking near traffic. It’s nothing to do with the sun or the monsoon, it’s just that if I wanted to have red hair I’d dye it myself thank you.

Buses. I know, I know, you’ve been waiting for this one. Where to start? I really love the conductors hanging out of the side door, waving their arms, shouting unintelligibly and pointing to show that the driver is going to turn left, when they immediately turn right. I love the access doors being on the wrong side of the vehicle so passengers step into moving traffic. I love the broken suspension on one side so you look up to see passengers staring straight down through your sunroof as the bus sways at a 45 degree angle around the corners. I love the drivers’ pinball machine driving techniques, bouncing from one non-existent gap in the traffic to another. I love how they drive up the wrong side of the road, directly into oncoming traffic, to get to the head of the traffic jam. Have Yangon’s bus drivers ever seen Mad Max? I doubt it, but they soon will…

Oh, the delights of driving in Yangon!