[["\"MAN:\" \"I'm kissing it all goodbye.\" \"These four stinking walls, six flights up.\" \"The L that roars by at 3:00 a.m. like a cast-iron wind.\" \"Kiss them goodbye for me, Maury, I'll miss them.\" \" Like hell I will.\" \" LIL:\" \"Dreaming again.\" \"MAN:\" \"Not anymore, Lil.\" \"I'm awake now, awake for the first time in years.\" \"Uncle Dave said it.\" \"\"Daylight is a dream if you've lived with your eyes closed.\"\" \"Well, my eyes are open now.\" \"I see the choir and I know they're dressed in rags but we're part of that choir, yeah, both of us.\" \" And you, Maury, and Uncle Dave, too.\" \" MAURY:\" \"The sun's coming up, kid.\" \"They'll be hawking the fish down on Fulton Street.\" \"MAN:\" \"Let 'em hawk.\" \"Let 'em sing their hearts out.\" \"MAURY:\" \"That's it, kid.\" \"Take that ruined choir.\" \"Make it sing.\" \" MAN:\" \"So long, Maury.\" \" MAURY:\" \"So long.\" \"We'll hear from that kid.\" \"And I don't mean a postcard.\" \"Fish!\" \"Fresh fish!\" \"LIL:\" \"Let's spit on our hands and get to work.\" \"It's late, Maury.\" \"MAURY:\" \"Not anymore, Lil.\" \"It's early.\" \"(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)\" \"MAN:\" \"Bravo!\" \"MAN 2:\" \"Bravo!\" \"MAN 3:\" \"Bravo!\" \"AUDIENCE MEMBERS:\" \"Author!\" \"Author!\" \"Author!\" \"Author!\" \"(CHEERING)\" \"(WHISTLING)\" \"(LIGHT JAZZ PLAYING)\" \"Your table is ready, Monsieur Fink.\" \"In fact, several members of your party have already arrived.\" \"BARTON:\" \"Is Garland Stanford here?\" \"He called to say he'll be a few minutes late.\" \"Ahh, here we are.\" \"Barton, Barton, so glad you could make it.\" \"You know Richard St. Claire and Poppy Carnahan.\" \"POPPY:\" \"Charmed, charmed, charmed.\" \"DEREK:\" \"We're drinking champagne, dear boy, in honor of the occasion.\" \" Have you seen The Herald?\" \" Not yet.\" \"Well, I don't want to embarrass you but Caven could hardly contain himself.\" \"But, more important, Richard and Poppy here loved the play.\" \"Weeping.\" \"Copious tears.\" \"What did The Herald say?\" \" I happen to have it with me.\" \" Please, Derek.\" \"DEREK: \"Bare Ruined Choirs, Triumph Of The Common Man.\" \"\"The star of Bare Ruined Choirs\" \"\"was nowhere to be seen on the stage of the Belasco last night,\" \"\"though the thespians all acquitted themselves admirably.\" \"\"The find of the evening was the author of this drama about simple folk,\" \"\"fishmongers, in fact,\" \"\"whose brute struggle for existence\" \"\"cannot quite quell their longing for something higher.\" \"\"The playwright finds nobility\" \"\"in the most squalid corners and poetry in the most callous speech.\" \"\"A tough new voice in the American theater has arrived\" \"\"and the owner of that voice is named Barton Fink.\"\" \"Well, they'll be wrapping fish in it in the morning, so I guess it's not a total waste.\" \" Cynic.\" \" I can't start listening to the critics and I can't kid myself about my own work.\" \"A writer writes from his gut.\" \"His gut tells him what's good and what's merely adequate.\" \"I don't pretend to be a critic but Lord knows I have a gut and my gut tells me it's simply marvelous.\" \"And a charming gut it is.\" \"Oh, you dog.\" \" (HOWLING) - (GIGGLING) Oh, stop.\" \"(BELL RINGING)\" \"I thought you were going to join us.\" \"Jesus, Garland.\" \"You left me alone with those people?\" \" Don't panic.\" \"I'll join you in a minute.\" \" (SIGHS)\" \"We have to talk a little business.\" \"I've just been on the phone to Los Angeles.\" \"Barton, Capitol Pictures wants to put you under contract.\" \"They've offered you $1,000 a week.\" \"I think I can get them up to as high as $2,000.\" \" To do what?\" \" What do you do for a living?\" \"I'm not sure any more.\" \"I guess I try to make a difference.\" \"Look, Barton.\" \"There's no pressure here because I respect you.\" \"But a brief tenure in Hollywood could support you through the writing of any number of plays.\" \"I don't know, Garland.\" \"My place is here right now.\" \"I feel I'm on the brink of success.\" \" I'd say you're already enjoying some.\" \" No, don't you see, Garland?\" \"Not the kind of success where the critics fawn over you or the producers like Derek make a lot of money.\" \"No, a real success.\" \"The success we've been dreaming about.\" \"The creation of a new, living theater, of and about and for the common man.\" \"If I ran off to Hollywood now,\" \"I'd be making money, going to parties, meeting the big shots, sure.\" \"But I'd be cutting myself off from the wellspring of that success, from the common man.\" \"(SIGHS)\" \"(CHUCKLES) I guess I'm spouting off again.\" \"Did you see Caven's review in The Herald?\" \" No, what did it say?\" \" Here, take my copy.\" \"You're the toast of Broadway and you have an opportunity to redeem that for a little cash.\" \"Strike that, a lot of cash.\" \"The common man'll still be here when you get back.\" \"Who knows?\" \"They may even have one or two of them out in Hollywood.\" \"That's a rationalization, Garland.\" \"Barton, it was a joke.\" \"(RINGS)\" \"(RINGING SOUND CONTINUES)\" \"(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)\" \"(TRAP DOOR SLAMS)\" \"(RINGING STOPS)\" \"Welcome to the Hotel Earle.\" \"May I help you, sir?\" \"I'm checking in, Barton Fink.\" \"All righty.\" \"Okay.\" \"That's F-I-N-K?\" \" Fink, Barton.\" \"That must be you, huh?\" \" Must be.\" \"Okay, then, everything seems to be in order.\" \"Everything seems to be in order.\" \"Just...\" \" Are you a trans or a res?\" \" Excuse me?\" \"Transient or resident?\" \"I don't know.\" \"I mean, I'll be here indefinitely.\" \"Res. That'll be $25.50 a week, payable in advance.\" \"Checkout time is 12:00 sharp only, you can forget about that on account of you're a res.\" \"If you need anything, anything at all, just pick up your personal in-room telephone and talk to me.\" \"My name is Chet.\" \"Although we do provide privacy for the residential guests, we are also a full-service hotel, including complimentary shoeshine.\" \"My name is Chet.\" \"Okay.\" \"Those your only bags?\" \"The others are being sent.\" \"Welcome to Los Angeles, Mr. Fink.\" \"Six, please.\" \"Next stop, six.\" \"(ELEVATOR DINGS)\" \"(ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN)\" \"ATTENDANT:\" \"This stop, six.\" \"(ELEVATOR DOOR SQUEAKING)\" \"(SPRINGS SQUEAK)\" \"(DISTANT SURF)\" \"(CRASHING SURF GROWS LOUDER)\" \"(SEAGULLS CRY)\" \"(GROANS)\" \"(MOSQUITO BUZZING FAINTLY)\" \"(TELEPHONE RINGING)\" \"Is that him?\" \"Is that Barton Fink?\" \"Let me at him.\" \"Let me put my arms around this guy.\" \"Let me hug this guy.\" \"How the hell are you?\" \"Good trip?\" \"My name is Jack Lipnick.\" \"I run this dump.\" \"You know that.\" \"You read the papers.\" \"Lou treating you all right?\" \"Get you everything you need?\" \"What the hell's the matter with your face?\" \"What the hell's the matter with his face, Lou.\" \"It's not as bad as it looks.\" \"Just a mosquito in my room.\" \" Place okay?\" \"Where'd we put him?\" \" I'm at the Earle.\" \"Never heard of it.\" \"Let's move him to The Grand or The Wilshire.\" \"Hell, he can stay at my place!\" \"BARTON:\" \"Thanks, but I wanted a place that was a little less...\" \"Less Hollywood.\" \"Sure.\" \"Say it.\" \"It's not a dirty word.\" \"Say whatever the hell you want.\" \"The writer is king here at Capitol Pictures.\" \"You don't believe me?\" \"Take a look at your paycheck at the end of every week.\" \"That's what we think of the writer.\" \"So, what kind of pictures does he like?\" \"Mr. Fink hasn't given a preference, Mr. Lipnick.\" \"So how about it, Bart?\" \"Well, to be honest, I don't go to the pictures much, Mr. Lipnick.\" \"That's okay.\" \"That's just fine.\" \"You probably walked in here thinking that was going to be a handicap.\" \"Thinking that we wanted people who knew something about the medium, maybe even thinking there was all kinds of technical mumbo-jumbo to learn.\" \"You were dead wrong.\" \"We're only interested in one thing.\" \"Can you tell a story, Bart?\" \"Can you make us laugh, can you make us cry?\" \"Can you make us wanna break out in joyous song?\" \"Is that more than one thing?\" \"Okay.\" \"The point is, I run this dump and I don't know the technical mumbo-jumbo.\" \"Why do I run it?\" \"'Cause I got horse sense, goddamn it.\" \"Showmanship!\" \"And also, I hope Lou told you this.\" \"I am bigger, meaner and louder than any other kike in this town.\" \"Did you tell him that, Lou?\" \"I don't mean my dick is bigger than yours, it's not a sexual thing.\" \"Although, you are a writer, you know more about that.\" \"Coffee?\" \" Yes, thank you.\" \" Lou!\" \"Used to have shares in the company.\" \"Ownership interest.\" \"Got bought out in the '20s.\" \"Muscled out, according to some.\" \"According to me.\" \"We keep him around.\" \"He's got a family.\" \"Poor schmuck.\" \"He's sensitive.\" \"Don't mention the old days.\" \"Hell, say whatever you want.\" \"Look, Bart.\" \"Barring a preference, we're gonna put you to work on a wrestling picture.\" \"Wallace Beery.\" \"I say this because they tell me you know the poetry of the streets so that would rule out westerns, pirates, screwball, Bible, Roman...\" \"Look.\" \"I'm not one of those guys that thinks poetic has gotta be fruity.\" \"We're together on that, aren't we?\" \"I mean, I'm from New York myself.\" \"Minsk, if you wanna go all the way back.\" \"Which we won't, if you don't mind, and I ain't asking.\" \"Now, people are gonna say to you, \"Wallace Beery, wrestling, it's a B-picture.\"\" \"You tell them, \"Bullshit!\"\" \"We do not make B-pictures here at Capitol.\" \"Let's put a stop to that rumor...\" \"(THUMPS DESK) right now.\" \"Thanks, Lou.\" \"Join us.\" \" We're talking about the Wally Beery picture.\" \" Excellent picture.\" \" We got a treatment on it yet?\" \" No, not yet, Jack.\" \"We just bought the story.\" \" Saturday Evening Post.\" \" To hell with the story.\" \"Wally Beery is a wrestler.\" \"I wanna know his hopes, his dreams.\" \"Naturally, you have to get him mixed up with a bad element.\" \"And a romantic interest, you know the drill.\" \"Romantic interest, or else a young kid, an orphan.\" \"What do you think, Lou?\" \"Wally a little too old for a romantic interest?\" \"Look at me.\" \"A writer in the room and I'm asking Lou what the goddamn story should be.\" \"Which is it, Bart?\" \"Orphan?\" \"Dame?\" \"Both, maybe?\" \"Maybe we should do a treatment.\" \"Hell.\" \"Let Bart take a crack at it.\" \"He'll get into the swing of things or I don't know writers.\" \"Let's make it a dame, Bart. Keep it simple.\" \"We don't gotta tackle the world the first time out.\" \"The important thing is we all want it to have that Barton Fink feeling.\" \"I guess, we all have that Barton Fink feeling but since you're Barton Fink, I'm assuming you have it in spades.\" \"Seriously, Bart, I like you.\" \"We're off to a good start.\" \"If all my writers were like you, I wouldn't have to get so goddamn involved.\" \"I'd like to see something by the end of the week.\" \"Oh, I heard about your show, by the way.\" \"My man in New York saw it.\" \"Tells me it's pretty damn powerful, pretty damn moving.\" \"A little fruity, he said, but I guess you know what you're doing.\" \"Thanks for your heart, Bart. We need more heart in motion pictures.\" \"We're all expecting great things.\" \"(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)\" \"(ROLLS PAPER)\" \"(FAINT LAUGHTER)\" \"(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)\" \"(MAN WEEPING)\" \"(MAN LAUGHING)\" \"(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)\" \"(MAN WEEPING)\" \"(LAUGHING CONTINUES)\" \"(MUFFLED WEEPING)\" \" Front desk.\" \" Hello, Chet?\" \" Speaking.\" \" This is Barton Fink in room 621.\" \" Mmm-hmm?\" \" Yes, there's...\" \"There's someone in the room next door to mine, 623, and he's...\" \"He's...\" \"Making a lot of noise.\" \" I'll take care of it right away, sir.\" \" Thank you.\" \"(MUFFLED TELEPHONE RINGING)\" \"MAN: (MUFFLED) Hello.\" \"What?\" \"Huh?\" \"Who?\" \"(TELEPHONE HANGING UP)\" \"(FOOTSTEPS)\" \"(DOOR OPENS)\" \"(FOOTSTEPS IN HALL)\" \"(LOUD KNOCKING AT DOOR)\" \"Did you...\" \" Somebody just complained.\" \" No, I didn't.\" \"I mean, I did call down.\" \"Not to complain exactly.\" \"I was just concerned that you might...\" \"Not that it's my business, but that you might be in some kind of distress.\" \"See, I was trying to work and it's...\" \"Well, it was difficult.\" \"Yeah...\" \"I'm damn sorry if I bothered you.\" \"The damn walls.\" \"I just apologize like hell.\" \"My name's Charlie Meadows.\" \"I guess we're neighbors.\" \"Barton Fink.\" \"Neighbor, I'd feel better about the damned inconvenience if you let me buy you a drink.\" \" That's all right, really.\" \"Thank you.\" \" \"All right,\" hell.\" \"You trying to work, me carrying on in there.\" \"Look, the liquor's good.\" \"What do you say?\" \"You got a glass?\" \"It's the least I can do.\" \"Okay.\" \"A quick one.\" \"Sure.\" \"Yeah, just a nip.\" \"I sure do forget myself sometimes.\" \"I feel like a heel, all the carryings-on next door.\" \"That's okay, I assure you.\" \" (GLASSES CLINK)\" \" It's just I was trying to work.\" \"What kind of work do you do, Barton, if you don't mind my asking?\" \"Well, I'm a writer, actually.\" \"You don't say.\" \"That's a tough racket.\" \"My hat's off to anyone that can make a go of it.\" \" Damned interesting work, I'd imagine.\" \" Can be.\" \"It's not easy but...\" \"Damned difficult, I'd imagine.\" \" And what's your line, Mr. Meadows?\" \" Hell, no, call me Charlie.\" \"Well, Barton, you might say I sell peace of mind.\" \"Insurance is my game.\" \"Door to door.\" \"Human contact.\" \"Still the only way to move the merchandise.\" \"In spite of what you might think from tonight, I'm pretty good at it.\" \" It doesn't surprise me at all.\" \" Hell, yes!\" \"Because I believe in it.\" \"Fire, theft and casualty are not things that only happen to other people, that's what I tell them.\" \"Writing doesn't work out, you may wanna look into it.\" \"Providing for a basic human need.\" \"A fella could do worse.\" \" Thanks.\" \"I'll keep that in mind.\" \" Mmm.\" \"What kind of scribbler are you?\" \"Newspaperman, did you say?\" \"No.\" \"Actually, I'm writing for the pictures now.\" \"Pictures?\" \"Jesus!\" \"Oh, I'm sorry, brother.\" \"I was just sitting here thinking\" \"I was talking to some ambitious youngster eager to make good.\" \"Hell, you've got it made.\" \"Writing for the pictures!\" \"Beating out that competition.\" \"And me being patronizing?\" \"Is the egg showing or what?\" \"That's okay, I am just starting out in the movies, though I was pretty well established in New York.\" \" Some renown there.\" \" It's an exciting time, then.\" \"I'm not the best-read mug on the planet so I guess it's not surprising I didn't recognize your name.\" \"Jesus, I feel like a heel.\" \"That's okay, Charlie.\" \"I'm a playwright.\" \"My shows have only played New York.\" \"The last one got a hell of a write-up in The Herald.\" \"I guess that's why they wanted me here.\" \"Hell, why not?\" \"Everyone wants quality.\" \"What kind of venue...\" \"That is to say, thematically...\" \"Umm...\" \"What do I write about?\" \"Caught me trying to be fancy.\" \"Yeah, that's it, Bart.\" \"Well, that's a good question.\" \"Strange as it may seem, Charlie, I guess I write about people like you.\" \"The average working stiff, the common man.\" \" Well, ain't that a kick in the head.\" \" Yeah, I guess it is.\" \"But in a way, that's exactly the point.\" \"There's a few people in New York...\" \"Hopefully, our numbers are growing...\" \"Who feel we have an opportunity now to forge something real out of everyday experience.\" \"Create a theater for the masses based on a few simple truths, not on some shopworn abstractions about drama that don't hold true today, if they ever did.\" \" I don't guess this means much to you.\" \" Hell yeah.\" \"I could tell you some stories.\" \"And that's the point.\" \"That we all have stories.\" \"The hopes and dreams of the common man are as noble as those of any king.\" \"It's the stuff of life, why shouldn't it be the stuff of theater?\" \"Goddamn it, why should that be such a hard pill to swallow?\" \"Don't call it new theater, Charlie, call it real theater.\" \"Call it our theater.\" \"I can see you feel pretty strongly about it.\" \"Well, I don't mean to get up on my high horse.\" \"But why shouldn't we look at ourselves up there?\" \"Who cares about the Fifth Earl of Bastrop and Lady Higginbottom and who killed Nigel Grinch-Gibbons?\" \" I can feel my butt getting sore already.\" \" Exactly, Charlie.\" \"You understand what I'm saying a lot more than these literary types\" \" because you're a real man.\" \" I could tell you some stories...\" \"Sure you could, and yet, many writers do everything in their power to insulate themselves from the common man, from where they live, from where they trade, from where they fight and love and converse and...\" \"(GROANS)\" \"So naturally, their work suffers and regresses into empty formalism.\" \"I'm spouting off again, but to put it in your language, the theater becomes as phony as a three-dollar bill.\" \"Well, I guess that's a tragedy right there.\" \"You're all right, Charlie.\" \"I'm glad you stopped by.\" \"I'm sorry if...\" \"I know sometimes I run on.\" \"Well, Christ.\" \"If there's any way I can contribute or help or whatever...\" \"Sure, Charlie, you can help by just being yourself.\" \"Well, I can tell you some stories.\" \"And look, I'm sorry as hell about the interruption.\" \"Too much revelry late at night, you forget there's other people in the world.\" \"(FAINT SQUELCHING)\" \"(MOSQUITO BUZZES)\" \"(TELEPHONE RINGING)\" \"I'll be eating on the lot today.\" \" Who's this?\" \" Barton Fink, Mr. Geisler.\" \"More, please.\" \"I'm a writer, Mr. Geisler.\" \"Ted Okum said I should drop by this morning...\" \" Ever act?\" \" Huh?\" \"No, I'm a...\" \" Need Indians for a Norman Steele western.\" \" I'm a writer.\" \"Ted Okum...\" \"Think about it, Fink, writers come and go.\" \"We always need Indians.\" \"I'm a writer.\" \"Ted Okum said you're producing this Wallace Beery picture I'm working on.\" \"Ted Okum doesn't know shit.\" \"They've assigned me enough pictures for a goddamn year.\" \"Listen, what Ted Okum doesn't know you could almost squeeze into the Hollywood Bowl.\" \"Then who should I talk to?\" \"(SIGHS)\" \"Get me Lou Breeze.\" \" Is he in for Mr. Geesler?\" \" Geisler.\" \"Lou, how's Lipnick's ass smell this morning?\" \" (MUFFLED TALKING)\" \" Yeah?\" \"Yeah?\" \"All right, listen.\" \"The reason I'm calling, I got a writer here.\" \"Fink.\" \"All screwy.\" \"Says I'm producing that Wallace Beery wrestling picture.\" \"What am I, the goddamn janitor around here?\" \" (MUFFLED TALKING)\" \" Yeah?\" \"Who'd you get that from?\" \"Tell Lipnick he can kiss my dimpled ass.\" \"No, all right!\" \"Shit.\" \"All right.\" \"No, all right.\" \"Okay, Fink, let's chow.\" \"(PEOPLE CHATTERING)\" \"Don't worry about it.\" \"It's just a B-picture.\" \"I bring it in on budget, they book it without screening it.\" \"Life is too short.\" \"Lipnick said he wanted to look at the script, see something by the end of the week.\" \"Sure he did.\" \"He forgot about it before your ass left his sofa.\" \"Okay.\" \"I'm just having trouble getting started.\" \"It's funny, I'm blocked up.\" \"I just feel like I need some kind of indication of what's expected.\" \"Wallace Beery, wrestling picture.\" \"What do you need, a road map?\" \"Look, you're confused.\" \"You need guidance?\" \" Talk to another writer.\" \" Who?\" \"Oh, Jesus.\" \"You throw a rock in here, you'll hit one.\" \"Do me a favor, Fink?\" \"Throw it hard.\" \"(MAN RETCHING)\" \"(VOMITING)\" \"(GROANING)\" \"(CONTINUES VOMITING)\" \"(BELCHING)\" \"(COUGHS)\" \"(SPITTING)\" \"(TOILET FLUSHING)\" \"(MAN HUMMING)\" \"(GARGLING)\" \"(CONTINUES HUMMING)\" \"Bill Mayhew.\" \"Sorry about the odor.\" \"Barton Fink.\" \"Jesus, W.P.?\" \" I beg your pardon?\" \" W.P. Mayhew, the writer?\" \"Just Bill, please.\" \"Bill, you're the finest novelist of our time.\" \"Why, thank you, son.\" \"How kind.\" \"My God, I had no idea you were in Hollywood.\" \"All of us undomesticated writers eventually make our way out here to the Great Salt Lick.\" \"That's probably why I always have such a powerful thirst.\" \"A little social lubricant, Mr. Fink?\" \"No, it's a little early for me.\" \"Bill, if I'm imposing, you should say so.\" \"I know you're very busy.\" \"I just wanted to ask you a favor.\" \"Have you ever written a wrestling picture?\" \"You are dripping', sir.\" \"Mr. Fink, they have not invented a genre of picture that Bill Mayhew has not at one time or other been invited to essay.\" \"Well, what...\" \"Yes, I have taken my stab at the wrestling form, as I have stabbed at so many others\" \" and with as little success.\" \" How do...\" \"I gather that you are a freshman here, eager for an upperclassman's counsel.\" \"However, just at the moment, I have drinking to do.\" \"Why don't you stop by my bungalow, number 15, later on this afternoon and we will discuss wrestling scenarios and other things literary.\" \"BILL: (SHOUTING DRUNKENLY) Sons of bitches!\" \"(SMASHING SOUNDS)\" \"(INCOHERENT SHOUTING CONTINUES)\" \"Honey?\" \"Where's my honey?\" \"The water's lapping up on me, honey!\" \"(WOMAN SOOTHING)\" \"(BILL WAILING)\" \"WOMAN:\" \"I can't...\" \"I'm trying to help you.\" \"Can I help you?\" \" I'm sorry, I...\" \" BILL: (SCREAMING) Why, damn it?\" \" My name is Fink.\" \" BILL:\" \"Where's my honey?\" \"Bill asked me to drop by this afternoon.\" \"Is he in?\" \"(BILL HOWLING)\" \" Mr. Mayhew is indisposed at the moment.\" \" BILL:\" \"Where's my honey?\" \"Is he okay?\" \"He'll be fine.\" \"Mr. Fink, I'm Audrey Taylor, Mr. Mayhew's personal secretary.\" \" BILL:\" \"Where's my honey?\" \" I know this all must sound horrid.\" \" I really do apologize.\" \" BILL:\" \"Where are you, damn it?\" \"When he can't write, he drinks.\" \"It's so embarrassing.\" \"How about you?\" \"Will you be all right?\" \"I'll be fine.\" \" Are you a writer, Mr. Fink?\" \" Yes.\" \"I'm working on a wrestling...\" \"Please, call me Barton.\" \"I'll tell Bill you dropped by.\" \"I'm sure he'll wanna reschedule your appointment.\" \"Perhaps you and I can get together at some point, also.\" \"I'm sorry if that sounds abrupt, I just...\" \"I don't know anyone here in town.\" \" Perhaps the three of us, Mr. Fink.\" \" Please, Barton.\" \"Barton.\" \"You see, Barton,\" \"I'm not just Bill's secretary.\" \"Bill and I are in love.\" \"(CLATTERING)\" \"BILL:\" \"Where's my honey?\" \"(SIGHS)\" \"I know this must look funny.\" \" BILL:\" \"Bastard-ass sons of bitches!\" \" I'm sorry.\" \"Please, don't judge us, Mr. Fink.\" \"BILL:\" \"Bastard-ass sons of bitches, the water's lapping up!\" \"Honey!\" \"(WOMAN MOANS)\" \"(GASPING)\" \"(MAN CHUCKLING)\" \"(WOMAN CONTINUES MOANING)\" \"(CHUCKLING CONTINUES)\" \" Howdy, neighbor.\" \" Charlie, how are you?\" \"Ah, Jesus, I hope I'm not interrupting you again.\" \"Heard you walking around in here, figured I'd drop by.\" \"Yeah, come on in.\" \"Have a seat.\" \"I hadn't really gotten started yet.\" \" What happened to your ear?\" \" Yeah, an ear infection.\" \"Chronic thing.\" \"It goes away for a while, then it comes back.\" \"I gotta put cotton in it to stanch the flow of pus.\" \" Don't worry.\" \"It's not contagious.\" \" Have you seen a doctor?\" \"Doctors.\" \"What's he gonna tell me?\" \"Can't trade my head in for a new one.\" \"Yeah, I guess you're stuck with the one you got.\" \"I'd invite you over to my place but it's a goddamn mess.\" \" You married, Bart?\" \" No.\" \"I myself have yet to be lassoed.\" \"Hey, Bart.\" \"Ouch!\" \"(BILL CHUCKLING)\" \" Got a sweetheart?\" \" No.\" \"I guess it's something about my work.\" \"I get so worked up over it.\" \"I don't really have a lot of attention left over, so it would be a little unfair.\" \"Yeah, ladies do ask for attention.\" \"In my experience, they pretend to give it but it's generally a smoke screen for demanding it back with interest.\" \"How about family, Bart?\" \"How're you fixed in that department?\" \" My folks live in Brooklyn with my uncle.\" \" Mine have passed on.\" \"It's just the three of us now.\" \"What's that expression?\" \" Me, myself and I.\" \" Sure.\" \"That's tough.\" \"But in a sense, we're all alone in the world, aren't we, Charlie?\" \"I'm often surrounded by family and friends but...\" \"You're no stranger to loneliness, then.\" \"I guess I got no beef, especially where the dames are concerned.\" \"In my line of work, I get opportunities galore, always on the wing, you know what I'm saying.\" \"I could tell you stories to curl your hair but it looks like you've already heard them.\" \"That's me in Kansas City, plying my trade.\" \"That was taken by one of my policy holders.\" \"They're more than just customers to me, they appreciate what I have to offer them.\" \"You see, her hubby was out of town at the time, and they were carrying fire and life.\" \"The third quarter payment was way past due...\" \"You know, in a way, I envy you, Charlie.\" \"Your daily routine, you know what's expected.\" \"You know the drill.\" \"My job is to plumb the depths, so to speak, dredge up something from inside.\" \"Something honest.\" \"I gotta tell you, the life of the mind, there's no road map for that territory.\" \"Exploring it can be painful.\" \"A kind of pain most people don't know anything about.\" \" This must be boring you.\" \" No, it's damned interesting.\" \"Yeah. (CHUCKLING)\" \"Probably sounds a little grand from someone writing a wrestling picture for Wallace Beery.\" \"Beery?\" \"You got no beef there.\" \"He's good!\" \"A hell of an actor.\" \"Though for my money, you can't beat Jack Oakie.\" \"A stitch, Oakie.\" \"Funny stuff, funny stuff.\" \"But don't get me wrong.\" \"Beery, wrestling picture, could be a pip.\" \"I wrestled myself some, back in school.\" \"I guess you know the basic moves?\" \"No, I never even watched any.\" \"I'm not that interested in the act itself.\" \"Okay.\" \"But hell, you should know what it's about.\" \"I can show you the wrestling basics in about 30 seconds.\" \"You're a little out of your weight class but just for the purposes of demonstration.\" \"That's all right, really.\" \"Not a bit of it, compadre.\" \"Easiest thing in the world.\" \"You just get down on your knees to my left here, slap your right hand here, your left hand here.\" \"Come on, champ, you can do it.\" \"Come on.\" \"Come on.\" \"Come on.\" \"Come on.\" \"Okay, right there.\" \"All right.\" \"When I say, \"Ready, wrestle,\" you try and pin me and I try and pin you.\" \" And that's the whole game, got it?\" \" Yeah, okay.\" \"Ready, wrestle!\" \"Hup, two, three.\" \"Damn, there I go again, gonna wake up the downstairs neighbors.\" \" I didn't hurt you, did I?\" \" It's okay.\" \"That's all wrestling is, except usually there's more grunting and squirming before the pin.\" \"It's your first time and you're out of your weight class.\" \"Jesus, I did hurt you.\" \"I sure do apologize.\" \"I'm just a big, clumsy lug.\" \"I sure do apologize.\" \"You sure you're okay?\" \"I'm fine, really.\" \"Actually, it's been helpful.\" \"But I guess I should get to work.\" \"Well, it wasn't fair of me to do that.\" \"I'm pretty well-endowed physically.\" \"Don't feel bad, though.\" \"I wouldn't be much of a match for you at mental gymnastics.\" \"Give me a holler, if you need anything.\" \"(DOOR CLOSES)\" \"(CRASHING WAVES)\" \"(BILL HUMMING)\" \"BILL:\" \"If I close my eyes, I can almost smell the live oak.\" \"That's chicken fat, Bill.\" \"My olfactory's turning womanish on me, lying and deceitful.\" \"Still, I must say, I haven't felt a peace like this since the grand productive days.\" \"Don't you find it so, Barton?\" \"Ain't writing peace?\" \"Well...\" \"Actually no, Bill.\" \"No, I've always found that writing comes from a great inner pain.\" \"Maybe it's a pain that comes from a realization that one must do something for one's fellow man to help somehow ease the suffering.\" \"Maybe it's personal pain.\" \"At any rate, I don't believe good work is possible without it.\" \"Well, me, I just enjoy making things up.\" \"Yes, sir, escape.\" \"It's when I can't write, can't escape myself, that I wanna rip my head off and run screaming through the street with my balls in a fruit-picker's pail.\" \" This'll sometimes help.\" \" That doesn't help anything, Bill.\" \"That's true.\" \"I've never found that to help my writing.\" \"Your writing'?\" \"Son, have you ever heard the story of Solomon's mammy?\" \"Barton, you should read this, I think it's Bill's finest or among his finest, anyway.\" \"So, now I'm supposed to roll over like a bitch dog getting my belly scratched?\" \"Look, maybe it's none of my business but don't you think a man with your talent, that your first obligation is to your gift?\" \"Shouldn't you be doing whatever you have to do to work again?\" \" And what would that be, son?\" \" I don't know exactly, but I do know what you're doing with that drink, you're cutting yourself off from your gift and from Audrey, and from your fellow man and from everything your art is about.\" \"No, son.\" \"I'm building a levee.\" \"Gulp by gulp, brick by brick.\" \"Puttin' up a levee to keep that ragin' river of manure from lapping' at my door.\" \"Maybe you'd better too, Barton, before you get buried under his manure.\" \"My honey pretends to be impatient with me, Barton, but she'll put up with anything.\" \"Not anything, Bill.\" \"Don't test me.\" \"You're lucky she puts up with you as much as she does.\" \"Am I?\" \"Maybe to a schoolboy's eye.\" \"People who know about the human heart, maybe they'd say,\" \"\"Bill over here, he gives his honey love and she pays him back with pity.\"\" \" The basest coin there is.\" \" Stop it, Bill.\" \"(SINGING) Gone are the days when my heart was young and gay\" \"Gone are my friends\" \"From the cotton fields away\" \"Gone from the earth\" \"To a better land I know\" \"I hear their gentle voices callin'\" \"(BILL URINATING)\" \"Old Black Joe\" \"I'm comin', I'm comin'\" \"Though my head is bending low\" \"I hear their gentle...\" \"The truth, my honey, is a tart that does not bear scrutiny.\" \"Breach my levee at your peril.\" \"(SINGING) Gone are my friends...\" \"Son of a bitch.\" \"That son of a bitch!\" \"Don't get me wrong, he's a fine writer.\" \"BILL:\" \"From the earth to a better land...\" \"Are you all right?\" \"Audrey...\" \"BILL:\" \"I hear their angel voices...\" \" You can't...\" \" Go, Barton.\" \"You can't put up with this.\" \"BILL:\" \"Old Black Joe\" \"I feel so sorry for him.\" \"What?\" \"He's a son of a bitch.\" \"No, no...\" \"BILL:\" \"I'm coming...\" \"He, sometimes just...\" \"BILL:\" \"I hear their angel voices...\" \"Well, he thinks about Estelle.\" \"His wife still lives in Fayetteville.\" \"BILL:\" \"Old Black Joe...\" \"She's disturbed.\" \"Really?\" \"I'll just walk on down to the Pacific and from there I'll improvise.\" \"AUDREY:\" \"He'll wander back when he's sober and apologize.\" \"He always does.\" \" Okay, but that doesn't excuse his behavior.\" \" BILL:\" \"Silence upon a hill in Darien.\" \"Empathy requires understanding.\" \"BILL: (SINGING) I'm comin'...\" \"What?\" \"What don't I understand?\" \"Though my head is hangin' low\" \"I hear their gentle voices calling\" \"Old Black Joe\" \"(BELLS TOLLING)\" \"(MOSQUITO BUZZING)\" \"(BUZZING CONTINUES)\" \"(STOPS TYPING)\" \" I hope these are your shoes.\" \" Charlie?\" \"Because that would mean they gave you mine.\" \"Yeah.\" \"As a matter of fact, they did.\" \" Come on in.\" \" Jesus, what a day I had.\" \"You ever had one of those days?\" \" Seems like nothing but, lately.\" \" Jesus, what a day.\" \"Felt like I couldn't have sold ice water in the Sahara.\" \"Jesus.\" \"Okay, so you don't want insurance.\" \"Okay, so that's your loss.\" \"But, God, people can be rude.\" \"Feel like I have to talk to a normal person like you just to restore a little of my...\" \"It's my pleasure.\" \"I could use a little lift myself.\" \"Little lift, yeah.\" \"Good thing they bottle it, pal?\" \"Did I say rude?\" \"People can be goddamn cruel.\" \"Especially some of these housewives.\" \"Okay, so I have a weight problem.\" \"That's my cross to bear.\" \"I don't know.\" \" It's a defense mechanism.\" \" Defense against what, insurance?\" \"Something they need?\" \"Something they should be grateful to me for offering?\" \"A little peace of mind.\" \"(SIGHS)\" \"Finally decided to knock off early.\" \"Take your advice.\" \"Went to see a doctor about this.\" \"He told me I had an ear infection, $10, please.\" \"I says, \"Hell, I told you my ear was infected.\" \"Why don't you give me $10?\"\" \"Well, that led to an argument.\" \"Listen to me bellyaching.\" \"As if my problems amounted to a hill of beans.\" \"How goes the life of the mind?\" \"Well, it's been better.\" \"I just can't seem to get going on this thing.\" \"The one idea, the one that lets you get started,\" \"I still haven't gotten it.\" \"Maybe I only had one idea in me.\" \"My play.\" \"Maybe once that was done, I was done being a writer.\" \"Christ.\" \"I feel like a fraud.\" \"Sitting here, staring at this paper.\" \"Those two lovebirds next door driving you nuts?\" \"How do you know about that?\" \"Know about it?\" \"I can practically see how they're doin' it.\" \"Brother, I wish I had a piece of that.\" \"Seems like I hear everything that goes on in this dump.\" \" Pipes or somethin'.\" \" Yeah, but...\" \"You'll lick this picture business, believe me.\" \"You got a head on your shoulders.\" \"And what is it they say?\" \"Where there's a head, there's hope.\" \" Where there's life, there's hope.\" \" See, that proves you really are a writer.\" \"There's hope for you, too, Charlie.\" \"Tomorrow, I bet you sell a half-dozen policies.\" \"Thanks, brother, but the fact is I gotta pull up stakes for a while.\" \" You're leaving?\" \" In a few days.\" \"Out to your stomping ground, as a matter of fact, New York City.\" \"Things have gotten all balled up at the head office.\" \"I'm truly sorry to hear that, Charlie.\" \"I'll miss you.\" \"Well, hell, buddy, don't pull a long face.\" \"This is home to me.\" \"I keep a room here and I'll be back, sooner or later.\" \"And mark my words, by the time I get back, your picture'll be finished, I know it.\" \"New York can be pretty cruel to strangers, Charlie.\" \"If you need a home-cooked meal, you just look up Sam and Lillian Fink.\" \"They live on Fulton Street with my Uncle Maury.\" \"(SQUELCHING SOUND)\" \"Christ.\" \"Your room does that, too.\" \"I guess the heat's sweating off the wallpaper.\" \"What a dump.\" \"I guess this must seem pretty pathetic to a guy like you.\" \"Well...\" \"But it's pathetic, isn't it?\" \"I mean, to a guy from New York?\" \"What do you mean?\" \"This kind of heat.\" \"Pathetic.\" \"BARTON:\" \"I guess you pick your poison.\" \"So they say.\" \"Don't pick up and leave without saying good-bye.\" \"Course not, compadre.\" \"You'll see me again.\" \"(DOOR CLOSES)\" \"(BANGING SOUNDS)\" \"(DRAGGING SOUNDS)\" \"(HEAVY THUMP)\" \"(DRAGGING)\" \"(THUMPING)\" \"(THUMPING QUICKENS)\" \" (DOOR OPENS) - (GEISLER LAUGHING)\" \" Bango, you're dead, you're a corpse.\" \" You got me.\" \"Okay.\" \"Go, go.\" \"You son of a gun.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Fink.\" \"(HUMMING MERRILY)\" \"Come in, come on.\" \"What do you got for me?\" \"What the hell happened to your face?\" \"Nothing.\" \"It's just a mosquito bite.\" \"Like hell it is.\" \"There are no mosquitoes in Los Angeles.\" \"Mosquitoes breed in swamps.\" \"This is a desert.\" \"What do you got for me?\" \"Well, I...\" \"On the Beery picture.\" \"Where are we?\" \"What do you got?\" \"Well, I'm having a little trouble getting started.\" \"Getting...\" \"Christ Jesus, started?\" \"You don't have anything yet?\" \" Well, not much.\" \" What the hell do you think this is?\" \"Hamlet?\" \"Gone With The Wind?\" \"Ruggles Of Red...\" \"It's a goddamn B-picture.\" \"Big men in tights.\" \"You know the drill.\" \"I'm afraid I don't really understand that genre.\" \"Maybe that's the problem.\" \"Understand shit.\" \"I thought you were gonna consult another writer on this.\" \" Well, I've talked to Bill Mayhew.\" \" Bill Mayhew?\" \"Mayhew?\" \"Some help!\" \"The guy's a souse.\" \" He's a great writer.\" \" A great souse!\" \" You don't understand.\" \" Souse!\" \" He's in pain because he can't write.\" \" Souse!\" \"Souse!\" \"He can't write.\" \"He manages to write his name on the back of his paycheck every week.\" \"But I thought no one cared about this picture.\" \"You thought?\" \"Where the hell did you get that from?\" \"You thought.\" \"Listen, I don't know what the hell you said to Lipnick, but the son of a bitch likes you.\" \"You understand that, Fink?\" \"He likes you.\" \"He's taken an interest.\" \"Never make Lipnick like you.\" \"Never!\" \"I don't understand.\" \"Are you deaf?\" \"He likes you!\" \"He's taken an interest.\" \"What the hell did you say to him?\" \" I didn't say anything.\" \" Well, he's taken an interest.\" \"That means he'll make your life hell, which I could care less about.\" \"But since I drew the short straw to supervise this turkey, he's gonna be all over me, too.\" \"Fat-assed son of a bitch called me yesterday to ask me how it's going.\" \"Don't worry, I covered for you.\" \"I told him you were making progress, we were all very excited.\" \"I told him it was great.\" \"Understand that?\" \"So now my ass is on the line.\" \"He wants you to tell him all about it tomorrow.\" \"I can't write anything by tomorrow.\" \"Who said write?\" \"Jesus, Jack can't read.\" \"You gotta tell it to him.\" \"Tell him something, for Christ's sake.\" \"(STUTTERING) What do I tell him?\" \" SECRETARY:\" \"Yes, Mr. Geisler.\" \" Projection.\" \"(LINE CONNECTING)\" \" Jerry.\" \" Jerry!\" \"Ben Geisler here.\" \" Hi, Ben.\" \" Yeah.\" \"Any of the screening rooms free this afternoon?\" \" Yeah, I think...\" \" Good!\" \"Book it for me.\" \"I got a writer here, Fink.\" \"He's coming in.\" \"You're gonna show him wrestling pictures.\" \" Which ones?\" \" I don't give a shit which ones.\" \"Wrestling pictures!\" \"Wait a minute.\" \"Isn't Victor Sjoderberg shooting one now?\" \" Yeah, he's...\" \" Well, show him some of the dailies on that.\" \"Okay, Ben, I'll show him...\" \"All right.\" \"This'll give you some ideas.\" \"8:15 tomorrow morning at Lipnick's house.\" \"Ideas.\" \"Broad strokes.\" \"Don't cross me, Fink.\" \"Devil On The...\" \"Devil On The Canvas. 12-apple, take one.\" \"DIRECTOR:\" \"Action!\" \"I will destroy him!\" \"DIRECTOR:\" \"Cut, cut, cut, cut!\" \"Devil On The Canvas, 12-apple, take two.\" \"DIRECTOR:\" \"Action!\" \"I will destroy him.\" \"DIRECTOR:\" \"Cut, cut!\" \" MAN:\" \"Rolling!\" \" Devil On The Canvas, 12-apple, take four.\" \"DIRECTOR:\" \"Action!\" \"I will destroy him!\" \"DIRECTOR:\" \"Cut!\" \"Cut!\" \"Cut!\" \"CLAPPER:\" \"Devil On The Canvas, 12-apple, take five.\" \"WRESTLER:\" \"I will destroy him!\" \" CLAPPER: 12-apple, take six.\" \" WRESTLER:\" \"I will destroy him!\" \"CLAPPER: 12-apple, take seven.\" \"WRESTLER:\" \"I will destroy him!\" \"CLAPPER: 12-baker, take one.\" \"WRESTLER:\" \"I will destroy him.\" \"(BOTH YELLING)\" \"CLAPPER:\" \"12-Charlie, take one.\" \"(WRESTLERS YELLING)\" \"Take two.\" \"One, two...\" \"Take seven.\" \"(GROANING)\" \"Orphan?\" \"Dame?\" \" Front desk.\" \" Hello, Chet?\" \"This is Barton Fink, in room 621.\" \"Could you try a number for me in Hollywood?\" \" Sure.\" \" Slauson, 64304.\" \"Right away, sir.\" \"(LINE CONNECTING)\" \" (RINGING)\" \" Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up.\" \" Hello?\" \" Audrey, I need help.\" \"I know it's late.\" \"And I shouldn't be calling you like this.\" \"Believe me, I wouldn't have if I had any other alternative.\" \"But I'm sorry...\" \"Listen, how are you?\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"You doing okay?\" \"Who is this?\" \"Barton!\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"It's Barton Fink.\" \" Barton, I'm afraid it's not a good time.\" \" (BILL SHOUTING)\" \"I'm sorry, I just feel like I need...\" \"I know I shouldn't ask.\" \"I just need some kind of help, I just...\" \"I have a deadline tomorrow.\" \"(AUDREY SIGHING)\" \"All right, Barton.\" \"I'll see if I can slip away.\" \" If you could, I'd be...\" \" If I can.\" \"He gets jealous.\" \"I need help, Audrey.\" \"I'll try to slip out if he quiets down, passes out.\" \"I'm afraid he thinks...\" \"Well, he said you were a buffoon, Barton.\" \"Uh-huh.\" \"He becomes irrational.\" \"Uh-huh, uh-huh.\" \"I'll see if I can slip away.\" \"BILL:\" \"Who is that!\" \"(ELEVATOR DINGS)\" \"(KNOCKING ON DOOR)\" \"Audrey, thank you for coming.\" \"Thank you.\" \" Hello, Barton.\" \" I'm sorry to be such a...\" \"Such a... (SIGHS)\" \" Thank you.\" \" That's all right, Barton.\" \"Everything's gonna be all right.\" \"Yes.\" \"Thank you.\" \"Thank you.\" \"Yes.\" \"Thank you.\" \"How's Bill?\" \"He's...\" \"He drifted off.\" \"He'll sleep for a while now.\" \"What is it you have to do, exactly?\" \"Well...\" \"I have to come up with an outline, I guess you'd call it.\" \"The story.\" \"The whole goddamn story.\" \"Soup to nuts.\" \"Three acts.\" \"The whole goddamn...\" \"That's all right, Barton.\" \"You don't have to write actual scenes.\" \"No, but the whole goddamn...\" \"Audrey, have you ever read any of Bill's wrestling scenarios?\" \"Yes, I'm afraid I have.\" \"What are they like?\" \"What are they about?\" \"Well, usually they're simple morality tales.\" \"There's a good wrestler and a bad wrestler whom he confronts at the end.\" \"In between the good wrestler has a love interest or a small child he has to protect.\" \"Bill would usually make the good wrestler a backwoods type or a convict.\" \"And sometimes, instead of a waif, he'd have the wrestler protecting an idiot man-child.\" \"The studio always hated that.\" \"Some of the scripts were so spirited.\" \"Barton...\" \"Look, it's really just a formula.\" \"You don't have to type your soul into it.\" \"We'll invent some names, a new setting.\" \"I'll help you.\" \"Won't take any time at all.\" \"I did it for Bill so many times.\" \"You did what for Bill?\" \"Well, this.\" \"You wrote his scripts for him?\" \"Well, the basic ideas were frequently his.\" \"You wrote Bill's scripts?\" \"Jesus, you wrote his...\" \"What about before that?\" \" Before what?\" \" Before Bill came to Hollywood.\" \"Bill was always the author, so to speak.\" \"What do you mean \"so to speak\"?\" \"Audrey, how long have you been his secretary?\" \"Barton, I think we should concentrate on our little project.\" \"I wanna know how many of Bill's books you wrote.\" \" Barton...\" \" I wanna know!\" \"Barton, honestly.\" \" Only the last couple.\" \" (EXCLAIMS)\" \"And my input was mostly editorial, really.\" \"After he'd been drinking.\" \"I'll bet.\" \"Jesus, the grand productive days.\" \"What a goddamn phony.\" \"W.P. Mayhew.\" \"William goddamn Phony Mayhew.\" \"All his guff about escape.\" \"I'll say he escaped!\" \"Well, we don't have much time.\" \"It'll be fine.\" \"Don't judge him, Barton.\" \"Don't condescend to him.\" \"I help Bill most by understanding him, by appreciating him.\" \"We all need understanding, Barton.\" \"Even you, tonight.\" \"It's all you really need.\" \"(BARTON MOANS)\" \"(BOTH MOANING)\" \"(MOANING CONTINUES)\" \"(DISTANT SCREAMS)\" \"(WATER RUNNING)\" \"(MOSQUITO BUZZING)\" \"(SCREAMING)\" \" (THUMPING) - (GASPS)\" \"(FOOTSTEPS)\" \"(DOOR OPENS)\" \"(FOOTSTEPS IN HALLWAY)\" \"(KNOCKING)\" \"CHARLIE:\" \"Barton?\" \"(KNOCKING CONTINUES)\" \"Barton, are you all right?\" \"No, I'm fine, thank you.\" \" Are you sure?\" \" No, no.\" \"(WHIMPERS)\" \"(BELL RINGING)\" \"(KNOCKING ON DOOR)\" \"Barton, are you all right?\" \"No.\" \"Can I come in?\" \"Let's go to your room.\" \"Charlie, I'm in trouble.\" \"You gotta help me.\" \"Get a grip on yourself, brother.\" \"Whatever the problem is, we can sort it out.\" \"Charlie, I'm in trouble.\" \"Something horrible's happened.\" \"I gotta call the police.\" \"Will you stay with me till they get here?\" \"Don't worry about it, Barton.\" \"We can work it out.\" \"Before you go in, I didn't do this.\" \"I don't know how it happened, but I didn't...\" \"I want you to know that.\" \"Okay.\" \"(EXCLAIMS)\" \"(RETCHING)\" \"(VOMITING)\" \"(TOILET FLUSHING)\" \"Jesus, Barton, what the hell is this?\" \"What are we gonna do?\" \" I gotta call the police.\" \" Hold on.\" \"Hold on.\" \" I didn't do this, I did not do this.\" \" Hold on.\" \"Hold on.\" \"Hold on!\" \"Stop.\" \"Take a deep breath now.\" \" Tell me what happened.\" \" I passed out.\" \"I don't know.\" \" Won't the police be able to...\" \" Stop with the police!\" \"Wake up, friend!\" \"This does not look good!\" \"They hang people for this.\" \"But I didn't do it.\" \"Don't you believe me?\" \"I believe you, I know you.\" \"Why should the police?\" \"Did you...\" \"Barton, between you and me, did you have sexual intercourse?\" \"Jesus, they can tell that.\" \"They gotta believe me.\" \"They gotta have mercy.\" \"You're in pictures, Barton.\" \"Even if they cleared you, eventually, this would ruin you.\" \"Come on, wait in the bathroom.\" \"CHARLIE:\" \"Oh, Lord.\" \"Oh, Lordy.\" \"Oh, my Lord.\" \"(SHEETS TEARING)\" \"(CHARLIE MUTTERING)\" \"(CHARLIE GRUNTING)\" \"You passed out.\" \"Where's Audrey?\" \"She's dead, Barton.\" \"She's dead, if that was her name.\" \"Barton, listen to me.\" \"You gotta act as if nothing has happened.\" \"Put this totally out of your head.\" \"I know that's hard, but your play from here on out is just to go on about your business as usual.\" \"Give us some time to sort this out.\" \"Bart!\" \"So happy to see you.\" \"Sit, talk.\" \"Relax for a minute, then talk.\" \"Drink?\" \"Ah...\" \"Yeah.\" \"Rye whiskey?\" \"Boy, you writers work hard, play hard.\" \"That's what I hear, anyway.\" \"Lou!\" \"Anyway.\" \"Ben Geisler tells me things are going along great.\" \"Says we got a real winner in this one.\" \"Let me tell you something, I'm counting on it.\" \"I've taken an interest.\" \"Nothing to fear, mind you.\" \"Hardly seems necessary in your case.\" \"A writer, a storyteller of your stature.\" \"Give it to me in bold strokes, Bart.\" \"Give me the broad outlines.\" \"I'm sitting in the audience, the lights go down.\" \"Capitol logo comes up.\" \"You're on.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Okay.\" \"Well...\" \"We fade in.\" \"It's a tenement building on the Lower East Side.\" \"Great.\" \"He's poor, this wrestler.\" \"He's had to struggle.\" \"And then...\" \"Well...\" \"Can I be honest, Mr. Lipnick?\" \"Can you?\" \"Jesus, you damn well better be.\" \"If I wasn't honest in my business dealing...\" \"Well, of course you can't always be honest, not with the sharks swimming around this town.\" \"But you're a writer, you don't think about those things.\" \"If I had been totally honest,\" \"I wouldn't be within a mile of this pool unless I was cleaning it.\" \"But that's no reason for you not to be.\" \"Honest, I mean.\" \"Not cleaning the pool.\" \"To be honest, uh,\" \"I'm never really comfortable discussing work in progress.\" \"I got it all worked out in my head, but sometimes, if you force it into words prematurely, the wrong words, well, your meaning changes in...\" \"Changes in your own mind and you never get it back.\" \"So I'd just as soon as not talk about it.\" \"Mr. Fink, never mind me, never mind how long I've been in pictures.\" \"Mr. Lipnick has been in pictures just about since they was invented.\" \"He practically invented them.\" \"I think if he's interested in what one of his contract employees is doing, that employee should be able to tell him, if he wants to stay an employee.\" \"Right now, the contents of your head are the property of Capitol Pictures.\" \"If I was you,\" \"I would speak up and pretty goddamn fast.\" \"You lousy kike son of a bitch.\" \"You're telling this man, this artist, what to do?\" \" Mr. Lipnick, I...\" \" This man creates for a living.\" \"Thank him for it, you son of a bitch, or you're fired.\" \" Mr. Lipnick, that's really not necessary.\" \" Get down on your knees, you son of a bitch.\" \"Get down on your knees and kiss this man's feet.\" \"Mr. Lipnick, please.\" \"Kiss this man's feet!\" \"Get out of here!\" \"You understand me?\" \"You're out of here.\" \"You're fired.\" \"Get out of my sight.\" \" I...\" \" I apologize, Barton.\" \"No, no.\" \"Mr. Breeze actually has been a great help.\" \"You don't have to cover for him.\" \"It's very noble of you.\" \"These things happen in business.\" \"I really would feel much better if you'd just reconsider.\" \"Forget it, kid.\" \"I want you to put it out of your head.\" \"If that son of a bitch wouldn't apologize to you, then goddamn it, I will.\" \"I respect your artistry and your methods.\" \"And if you can't fill us in yet, well, hell, we should be kissing your feet for your fine efforts.\" \"You know...\" \"In the old country we were taught as very young children that there's no shame in supplicating yourself when you respect someone.\" \"On behalf of Capitol Pictures, the administration, and all of the stockholders, please accept this as a symbol of our apology and respect.\" \"(FOOTSTEPS IN HALL)\" \"(KNOCKING ON DOOR)\" \"Barton, can I come in?\" \"Jesus, you're leaving?\" \"I have to, old-timer, just for a little while.\" \"Jesus.\" \"Charlie, I...\" \"Everything's okay, believe me.\" \"I know it's rough, mentally, but everything's been taken care of.\" \"Charlie, I got no one else here.\" \"You're the only person I know in Los Angeles that I can talk to.\" \"(SOBBING)\" \"I feel like I'm losing my mind, like I'm going crazy.\" \"I don't know what to do.\" \"I didn't do it, believe me, I'm sure of that, Charlie, I...\" \"You gotta get a grip on, brother.\" \"You just gotta carry on, just for a few days till I get back.\" \"Try and stay here, keep your door locked, don't talk to anyone.\" \"We gotta keep our heads and we'll figure it out.\" \" Okay, but what if...\" \" Don't argue with me.\" \"You asked me to believe you and I do.\" \"Now don't argue with me.\" \"Look, pal, can you do something for me?\" \"Keep that for me till I get back.\" \"It's just a lot of personal stuff, but I don't want to drag it with me.\" \"And I'd like to think it's in good hands.\" \"Funny, huh.\" \"When everything that's important to a guy, everything he wants to keep from a lifetime, and he can fit it all into a little box like that.\" \"I guess...\" \"I guess it's pretty pathetic.\" \"It's more than I've got.\" \"Well, keep it for me, maybe it'll bring you good luck.\" \"Yeah, it'll help you finish your script.\" \"You'll think about me.\" \"Make me your wrestler, then you'll lick that story of yours.\" \"Thanks, Charlie.\" \"Yeah, yeah, sure.\" \"I'll see you soon, friend.\" \"You'll be fine.\" \"And you'll be back?\" \"Don't worry about that, compadre.\" \"I'll be back.\" \"(TELEPHONE RINGING)\" \"(ATTENDANT BREATHING HEAVILY)\" \"Have you read the Bible, Pete?\" \"The Holy Bible?\" \"Yeah.\" \"Yeah, I think so.\" \"Anyway, I've heard about it.\" \" Fink?\" \" Yeah.\" \" Detective Mastrionotti.\" \" Detective Deutsch.\" \"MASTRIONOTTI:\" \"LAPD.\" \"Uh-huh.\" \"Got some questions we want to ask you.\" \"Just routine.\" \"Sit down.\" \"What do you do, Fink?\" \"I write.\" \"Yeah?\" \"What kind of writing?\" \"Well, as a matter of fact, I write for the pictures.\" \" Big fucking deal.\" \" Want my partner to kiss your ass?\" \"Would that be good enough for you?\" \" No, I didn't mean to sound...\" \" What did you mean?\" \"I got respect for working guys like you.\" \"Jesus, ain't that a load off?\" \" You live in 621?\" \" Yeah.\" \"How long you been up there, Fink?\" \"A week.\" \"Eight, nine days.\" \" Is this multiple choice?\" \" You know this slob?\" \"Yeah, he lives next door to me.\" \"That's right, Fink.\" \" He lives next door to you.\" \" You ever talk to him?\" \"Once or twice.\" \"His name is Charlie Meadows.\" \"Yeah, and I'm Buck Rogers.\" \"His name's Mundt.\" \"Karl Mundt.\" \"Also known as Madman Mundt.\" \"A little funny in the head.\" \" What did he...\" \" MASTRIONOTTI:\" \"Funny, as in he likes to ventilate people with a shotgun and then cut their heads off.\" \"Yeah, he's funny that way.\" \"He started in Kansas City.\" \"A couple housewives.\" \"A couple of days ago we got the same MO out at Los Feliz.\" \" Doctor.\" \"Ear, nose and throat man.\" \" All of which is now missing.\" \" Well, some of his throat was there.\" \" Physician, heal thyself.\" \" Good luck with fucking no head.\" \" Anyway.\" \"Hollywood Precinct finds another stiff yesterday.\" \"Not too far from here.\" \"This one's better looking than the doc.\" \"Female Caucasian, about 30 years old.\" \"Nice tits, no head.\" \"Ever see Mundt with anyone fits that description?\" \"But, you know, with the head still on.\" \"No.\" \"I never saw him with anyone else.\" \"So you did talk to Mundt.\" \"What about?\" \"Nothing really.\" \"He said he was in the insurance business.\" \"Yeah, and he's Buck Rogers.\" \"No reputable company would hire a guy like that.\" \"Well, that's what he said.\" \"What else?\" \"I'm trying to think.\" \"Nothing, really.\" \"He...\" \"He said he liked Jack Oakie pictures.\" \"You know, ordinarily we say anything you might remember could be helpful.\" \"But I'll be frank with you, Fink, that is not helpful.\" \"Notice how he's not writing it down?\" \"Fink?\" \"That's a...\" \"A Jewish name, isn't it?\" \"Yeah.\" \"Yeah.\" \"I didn't think this dump was restricted.\" \"Mundt has disappeared, I don't think he'll be back.\" \"But give me a call if you see him.\" \"Or if you remember something that isn't totally idiotic.\" \"(LIGHT RATTLING)\" \"(BEGINS TYPING)\" \"(TELEPHONE RINGING)\" \"(RINGING CONTINUES)\" \"\"Fade in.\" \"\"A young hussy opens the door\" \"\"to the burlyman's apartment.\" \"\"If you were a man,\" \"\"a real man, you'd slap me.\" \"\"I've put my mark on you.\" \"\"Yours...\" \"Indelibly...\" \"\"Me, I come out feeling sick.\" \"\"That's it, that's it, champ.\" \"\"Fade in.\" \"Maury's house.\" \"\"Painted women.\" \"In the air, the burlyman...\" \"\"Bright blue oyster...\" \"\"With one light move...\" \"\"The burlyman...\" \"She's a good woman.\" \"\"I don't care what\" \"\"people say, life must...\" \"\"Tell Burlyman we have to deduct those expenses from his purse.\" \"\"I don't care.\" \"It's lonely after all these years...\"\" \"OPERATOR:\" \"Hold the line, sir, I have your call.\" \"(SHOUTING) Hello, operator?\" \"I can't...\" \"Oh, God.\" \"(RINGING TONE)\" \" (CLEARING THROAT) Hello?\" \" Garland, it's me.\" \"Barton?\" \"What time is it?\" \"Are you all right?\" \"Yeah, I'm fine.\" \"I have to talk to you, Garland.\" \"I'm calling long distance.\" \"What is it, Barton?\" \"Are you okay?\" \"Yeah, I'm fine, Garland, but I have to talk to you.\" \"It's about what I'm writing.\" \"I think it's really...\" \"I think it's really big.\" \" What do you mean?\" \" Not big in the sense of large, although it's that, too.\" \"I mean important.\" \"This may be the most important work I've ever done.\" \"Barton, is everything okay?\" \"You sound a little...\" \"Sound a little what?\" \"You sound a little...\" \"Thanks, Garland.\" \"Thanks for all the encouragement.\" \"Nitwit.\" \"(BIG BAND SWING PLAYING)\" \"Excuse me, buddy.\" \"Mind if I cut in?\" \"This is my dance, sailor.\" \"Hey, come on, buddy, I'm shipping out tomorrow.\" \"I'm a writer, celebrating the completion of something good.\" \" Do you understand that, sailor?\" \" MAN:\" \"Beat it, creep.\" \"Come on, buddy, give the navy a dance.\" \"MAN 2:\" \"Let somebody else spin the dame.\" \"Step aside, four eyes.\" \"Hey, 4F, take a hike.\" \" MAN 3:\" \"Suck an egg.\" \" Go sit on a tomato.\" \"I'm a writer, you monsters.\" \"I create.\" \"I create for a living!\" \"I'm a creator!\" \"I am a creator!\" \" MAN 4:\" \"He's screwy.\" \" This is my uniform.\" \"This is how I serve the common man.\" \"This is where I... (WOMEN GASPING)\" \"Get 'em, boys.\" \"(PEOPLE CLAMORING)\" \"(MUFFLED VOICES)\" \"MASTRIONOTTI: \"Where is my little boy?\" \"\"He left this morning.\" \"\"Said he had a job to do.\" \"\"There was something in his eyes.\" \"Something new.\" \"\"Mother:\" \"What's to become of him?\" \"\"Father:\" \"We'll be hearing from that crazy wrestler,\" \"\"and I don't mean a postcard.\" \"\"Fade out.\" \"The end.\"\" \"I thought you said you were a writer.\" \"Now I don't know, Duke.\" \"I kind of liked it.\" \"Keep your filthy eyes off of that.\" \"DEUTSCH:\" \"You made the morning papers, Fink.\" \"MASTRIONOTTI:\" \"Second one of your friends to wind up dead.\" \"You do get around, don't you, Fink?\" \" You didn't tell us you knew the dame.\" \" Sixth floor too high for you, Fink?\" \"Give you nosebleeds?\" \"MASTRIONOTTI:\" \"Just tell me one thing, Fink.\" \"Where'd you put the heads?\" \"Charlie.\" \"Charlie's back.\" \"No kidding, bright boy.\" \"We smelled Mundt all over this.\" \"Was he the idea man?\" \"DEUTSCH:\" \"Tell us where the heads are.\" \"Maybe they'll go easy on you.\" \"Only fry you once.\" \"Could you two come back later?\" \"It's just too hot, my head is killing me.\" \"All right, forget the heads.\" \"Where's Mundt, Fink?\" \" He teach you how to do it?\" \" You two have some sick sex thing?\" \"Sex?\" \"He's a man.\" \"We wrestled.\" \"You're a sick fuck, Fink.\" \"Charlie's back.\" \"It's hot, he's back.\" \"(ELEVATOR DINGS)\" \"Fred.\" \"Sit tight, Fink.\" \"Why is it so goddamn hot out here?\" \"Duke.\" \"Mundt!\" \"Mundt!\" \"Show yourself.\" \"MASTRIONOTTI:\" \"There's a boy, Mundt.\" \"Put the policy case down and your mitts in the air.\" \"He's complying.\" \"Look upon me!\" \"I'll show you the life of the mind!\" \"(YELLING)\" \"Look upon me!\" \"I'll show you the life of the mind!\" \"I'll show you the life of the mind!\" \"I'll show you the life of the mind!\" \"I will show you the life of the mind!\" \"Heil Hitler.\" \"(YELLING)\" \"(GUN FIRES)\" \"Barton.\" \"(WHISTLES)\" \"Brother, is it hot.\" \"How you been, buddy?\" \"Don't look at me like that.\" \"It's just me, Charlie.\" \"I hear it's Mundt.\" \"Madman Mundt.\" \"Jesus, people can be cruel.\" \"If it's not my build, it's my personality.\" \"They say I'm a madman, Bart, but I'm not mad at anyone.\" \"Honest, I'm not.\" \"Most guys I just feel sorry for.\" \"It tears me up inside to think about what they're going through, how trapped they are.\" \"I understand it.\" \"I feel for them.\" \"So I try and help them out.\" \"Jesus.\" \"(SIGHS)\" \"Yeah.\" \"Yeah.\" \"I know what it feels like when things get all balled up at the head office.\" \"It puts you through hell, Barton.\" \"So I help people out.\" \"I just wish someone would do as much for me.\" \"Jesus, it's hot.\" \"Sometimes it gets so hot I want to crawl right out of my skin.\" \"But, Charlie, why me?\" \" Why...\" \" Because you don't listen!\" \"Jesus, I'm dripping again.\" \"Come on, Barton.\" \"You think you know pain?\" \"You think I made your life hell?\" \"Take a look around this dump.\" \"You're just a tourist with a typewriter, Barton, I live here.\" \"Don't you understand that?\" \"And you come into my home, and you complain that I'm making too much noise.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"Don't be.\" \"(METAL CREAKING)\" \"I'll be next door if you need me.\" \"CHARLIE:\" \"Oh,\" \"I dropped in on your folks in New York and Uncle Maury.\" \"Good people.\" \"By the way, that package I gave you,\" \"I lied.\" \"It isn't mine.\" \"Fink.\" \"Samuel or Lillian Fink.\" \"85 Fulton Street.\" \" OPERATOR:\" \"I under...\" \" Or Uncle Maury.\" \"I understand that, sir, but there's still no answer.\" \"Mr. Fink!\" \"Shall I check for trouble on the line?\" \"Fink.\" \"Mr. Lipnick?\" \"Colonel Lipnick, if you don't mind.\" \"Sit down.\" \"I was commissioned yesterday in the Army Reserve.\" \"Henry Morgenthau arranged it.\" \"Dear friend.\" \"Congratulations.\" \"Well, actually it hasn't officially gone through yet.\" \"I had wardrobe whip this up.\" \"You gotta pull teeth to get anything done in this town.\" \"I can understand a little red tape in peacetime, but now it's all-out warfare against the Japs.\" \"Little yellow bastards.\" \"They'd love to see me sit this one out.\" \"Yes, sir.\" \"They...\" \"Anyway.\" \"I had Lou read your script for me.\" \"I gotta tell you, Fink.\" \"It won't wash.\" \"With all due respect, sir, I think it's the best work I've done.\" \"Don't gas me, Fink.\" \"If your opinion mattered, I guess I'd resign or let you run the studio.\" \"Well, it doesn't and you won't.\" \"Now, the lunatics are not gonna run this particular asylum, so let's put a stop to that rumor right now.\" \"Yes, sir.\" \"I had to call Beery this morning, tell him we're pushing the picture back, after all I'd told him about quality, about that Barton Fink feeling.\" \"How disappointed we were.\" \"Wally was heartbroken, the man was devastated.\" \"He was...\" \"Well, I didn't actually call him, Lou did.\" \"But that's a fair description, isn't it, Lou?\" \"Yes, Colonel.\" \"Hell, I could take you through it step by step explaining why your story stinks.\" \"But I won't insult your intelligence.\" \"Well, all right.\" \"First of all, this is a wrestling picture.\" \"The audience wants to see action, adventure, wrestling and plenty of it.\" \"They don't want to see a guy wrestling with his soul.\" \"Well, all right, a little bit for the critics.\" \"But you make it the carrot that wags the dog.\" \"Too much of it, they head for the exits.\" \"I don't blame them.\" \"There's plenty of poetry right inside that ring, Fink.\" \"Look at Hell, Ten Feet Square.\" \" Blood, Sweat and Canvas.\" \" Blood, Sweat and Canvas.\" \"These are big movies, Fink, about big men, in tights!\" \"Both physically and mentally.\" \"Especially physically.\" \"We don't put Wally Beery in a fruity movie about suffering.\" \"I thought we were together on that.\" \"Sorry if I let you down.\" \"You didn't let me down, Fink, or even Lou.\" \"We don't live or die by what you scribble.\" \"You let Ben Geisler down.\" \"He liked you, trusted you.\" \"And that's why he's gone, he's fired.\" \"That man had a heart as big as the all outdoors and you fucked him.\" \"He tried to convince me to fire you, too, but no, that'd be too easy.\" \"Now, you're under contract.\" \"You're gonna stay that way.\" \"Anything you write is gonna be the property of Capitol Pictures and Capitol Pictures is not gonna produce anything you write.\" \"Not until you grow up a little.\" \"You ain't no writer, Fink, you're a goddamn write-off.\" \"I tried to show you something beautiful.\" \"Something about all of us.\" \"You arrogant son of a bitch.\" \"You think you're the only writer that can give me that Barton Fink feeling?\" \"I got 20 writers under contract I can ask for a Fink-type thing from!\" \"You swell-headed hypocrite, you just don't get it, do you?\" \"You think the whole world revolves around whatever rattles inside that little kike head of yours.\" \"Get him out of my sight, Lou.\" \"I want him in town, though.\" \"He's still under contract.\" \"I want you in town, Fink, and out of my sight.\" \"Now get lost.\" \"There's a war on.\" \"It's a beautiful day.\" \"Huh?\" \"I said it's a beautiful day.\" \"Yes.\" \"It is.\" \"What's in the box?\" \"I don't know.\" \"Isn't it yours?\" \"I don't know.\" \"You're very beautiful.\" \"Are you in pictures?\" \"Don't be silly.\""], ["\"What if this was your house?\" \"Power's out.\" \"Lights are dead.\" \"Your little ones in their bunk bed down the hall, crying out...\" \"Mommy!\" \"Daddy!\" \"Come quick!\" \"I'm scared!\" \" You need to get there, and fast.\" \" Coming, honey!\" \"Daddy's coming!\" \"You'll need a weapon.\" \"But first, you'll need a flashlight.\" \"But you're in the dark!\" \"What are you gonna do?\" \"How are you gonna find it?\" \"I'll tell you how.\" \"The Glow-in-the-Dark Flashlight!\" \"That's right, folks!\" \"I'm Larry Daley of Daley Devices, and we're gonna spend the next paid-programing block rocking your world.\" \"And I brought along a friend to do it.\" \"George Foreman, ladies and gentlemen!\" \"Fantastic, Larry, fantastic!\" \"Isn't he fantastic, America?\" \"But, seriously, isn't it true that just two years ago, you were working as a night guard at some dusty museum?\" \"That is true, two-time world heavyweight champ George Foreman.\" \"I was just a regular Joe with a flashlight and a dream.\" \"You mean a regular Larry.\" \"But what's no joke is you're CEO of Daley Devices, creator of such indispensable items as the Super Big Dog Bone!\" \" You like that one?\" \" The Unlosable Key Ring!\" \"Oh, yeah, that little chestnut!\" \"And now your latest breakthrough...\" \"Say it with me, America!\" \"The Glow-in-the-Dark Flashlight!\" \"Whatever the household crisis, this is Daley Devices.\" \"Can I help you?\" \"Tina, give this back to Stewart.\" \"I don't trust his math, okay?\" \" That guy called again.\" \" Again?\" \"Lar!\" \"Huge news!\" \"We got the Wal-Mart meeting.\" \" No!\" \"When?\" \" Yeah.\" \"Three days.\" \"Okay, all right.\" \"We got a lot of work to do.\" \"Well, okay, did you just hear me say \"Wal\" and \"Mart\" together?\" \"Yeah!\" \"I know, it's huge.\" \"So just take a second to be happy about it.\" \"All right.\" \"You're totally making fun of me.\" \"No, let's hold off on the victory parade till we close, okay?\" \"You got it.\" \" And when does he want to meet?\" \" They want Friday morning, 10:00 a.m.\" \"Okay, then, you know what?\" \"Cancel that pitch for the electric saw thing with the propeller, all right?\" \" I just want to focus on this.\" \" Okay.\" \" Just this.\" \" My daughter's birthday, canceled!\" \"You can go home.\" \"I'm gonna be pretty late, okay.\" \"Okay, boss.\" \"Hello!\" \"Excuse me!\" \"Unauthorized personnel!\" \"If it isn't our very own Mr. Success Story.\" \"Come for one of your nostalgia tours?\" \"I haven't seen you for a few months.\" \"Yeah, I've been busy.\" \"What's going on here?\" \"Progress, so they tell me.\" \"The future.\" \"Behold, Natural History, version 2.0.\" \"Welcome to The Museum of Natural History, where history comes to life!\" \"Step up, ask your question.\" \"Then let the next little boy or girl have their turn.\" \"Okay, where were you born?\" \"Right here in New York City, on Twentieth Street.\" \"October 27th, the year of our Lord 1858.\" \"Blah, blah, blah.\" \"History, history.\" \"Learning, learning.\" \"Changing America, one child at a time.\" \"That's great.\" \"So you're adding some new interactive exhibits?\" \"No, Mr. Daley, not adding.\" \"Replacing the old exhibits.\" \" Where are they going?\" \" Away.\" \"We're getting rid of all this junk.\" \"The dioramas, the waxworks, even some of the shabbier animals, like this scrawny little monkey.\" \"You should be careful.\" \"He's a capuchin.\" \"It's a monkey.\" \"He's a rare breed.\" \"He's a capuchin.\" \"He's not just a monkey.\" \"\"Monkey\", then.\" \"I said \"monkey\".\" \"Why be specific?\" \"When you're throwing away a monkey, you don't need the Latin name.\" \"Are you throwing him away or are you moving him?\" \"What are you, the Primate Garbage Police?\" \"Let it go, baby.\" \" Whose idea was this?\" \" Me, of course.\" \"I'm in charge.\" \"Me and the board.\" \"Mainly the board.\" \"Anyway, why do you care?\" \"No, it's just that people love this stuff.\" \"People, Mr. Daley, love \"What's next?\"\" \"You should know that.\" \"You left.\" \"My situation changed.\" \"My business took off...\" \"Yeah, you became a success.\" \"So would I, if I was a night guard.\" \"So where are these guys going?\" \"Deep storage.\" \"Federal Archives.\" \" Where's that?\" \" Washington, D.C.\" \"The Smithsonian.\" \"There's got to be something that we can do.\" \"It's done!\" \"They leave tomorrow morning.\" \"It's over.\" \"Hey, buddy, how you doing?\" \"How you doing with all this?\" \"You want what's in here?\" \"You think I got something for you?\" \"You think I got a little rope?\" \"Think you're stronger than me, huh?\" \"Is that all you got, huh?\" \"Lawrence!\" \"Good to see you, lad!\" \"Yeah, you too, Teddy.\" \"The Guardian of Brooklyn has returned!\" \"Hey, Ahk.\" \"Look, McPhee told me what's going on around here.\" \" I had no idea.\" \" Indeed.\" \"A lot has transpired, Lawrence, since your last visit.\" \"One would say that...\" \" Just...\" \" Cricket.\" \"Hey, Bocephus!\" \"Little help over here!\" \"Hey.\" \"Hey, fellas.\" \"How you doing?\" \"Well, lookee here.\" \"If it ain't Mr. Big-in-the-Britches himself, come back just in time to see us off!\" \"Yeah, Jed, I heard.\" \"Look, I don't even know how this happened.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Yeah, real mystery how this happened.\" \"Maybe the answer's on that magic buzzing box there in your hand!\" \"You weren't here, Gigantor!\" \"That's how it happened!\" \"Ain't no mystery!\" \"The fact is, Larry, there's no one else here to speak on our behalf during business hours.\" \"None, none, dum-dum.\" \"Hey, guys!\" \"It's okay!\" \"I'll call the board in the morning, all right?\" \"I got some pull now.\" \"I'll handle this.\" \"We're gonna be okay here.\" \"\"We\"?\" \"Did you hear that?\" \"You hear Daydream Johnny?\" \"There ain't been a \"we\" ever since you put us on the \"pay no mind\" list.\" \"And that's a cold place to be, boy.\" \"Larry, what's done is done.\" \"Even the glory of Rome had to come to an end.\" \"Would you please not look dramatically off into the middle distance when you say that?\" \"It makes me feel worse.\" \"I don't know what you're talking about.\" \"Where are you looking?\" \"Where are you looking?\" \"I'm over here.\" \"Just a bit of wall.\" \"Look, guys, maybe it won't be so bad.\" \"Yes, you make a good point.\" \"But this is the Smithsonian we're talking about here.\" \"Dexter, you don't know that.\" \"You're missing the point, Gigantor!\" \"They're shipping us out!\" \"Larry, I know you're trying to make us feel better.\" \"I can see that you're genuinely slightly bothered, but it's never going to be the same.\" \"All of us here, together, in this place.\" \"It ain't never gonna be home, boy.\" \"Jedediah, please!\" \"Lawrence, these are emotional times for all of us.\" \"But it is our last night as a family, and I don't want to see it squandered in self-pity.\" \"So who will join me for one final stroll through these hallowed halls?\" \" Do you want to go for a walk?\" \" No.\" \"I'm just gonna squander it in self-pity.\" \"My dear, shall we?\" \"Safe journey, my love.\" \"Hey, Dexter, want some help there?\" \"Hey, come on, man.\" \"No hard feelings, all right?\" \"It's gonna be fine.\" \"It's almost dawn, Lawrence.\" \"Yeah.\" \"So, where's your crate, Teddy?\" \"I won't be making this journey, Lawrence.\" \"It seems myself, Rexy, and a few of the signature exhibits will be staying here for now.\" \"Without the tablet?\" \"In truth, Lawrence,\" \"Ahkmenrah's tablet will be remaining here with him.\" \"What?\" \"They're going without the tablet, my friend.\" \"I'm afraid this night is their last.\" \"You didn't tell them.\" \"Sometimes it's more noble to tell a small lie than deliver a painful truth.\" \" Are you gonna be okay?\" \" I shall do my best.\" \"And who knows?\" \"Sometimes the greatest change brings about even greater opportunity.\" \"Look at you, Lawrence.\" \"You left this place and created quite a life for yourself.\" \"Yeah, I guess so.\" \"I should hope you'd do more than guess, my friend.\" \"You're a captain of industry.\" \"The world at your fingertips.\" \"It seems to me you have everything you wanted.\" \"Yeah, no, I know.\" \"No, you don't.\" \"If I may, lad, allow me to offer you one piece of advice.\" \"The key to happiness, to true happiness, is...\" \"Hang on one sec.\" \"I just gotta...\" \"I got this Japanese deal.\" \"No, okay, I'm turning this off.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"The key to happiness?\" \"I'll see you, Teddy.\" \"So they're gone?\" \"There's nothing you can do?\" \"I wish there was, man.\" \"I'm telling you, I tried everything.\" \"I talked to McPhee, I called the board, but they shipped them out this morning.\" \"This is a lot of food, Dad.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Ed from work's gonna come by.\" \"I thought I told you.\" \"We just have to go over a couple of little work things.\" \" So you're working tonight.\" \" I used to work every night, remember?\" \"That was when you had the coolest job in the world.\" \"Yeah, well, \"cool\" doesn't pay for your Guitar God VI or whatever.\" \" Hello?\" \" Gigantor!\" \"It's me, Jedediah!\" \" Hold!\" \"Hold!\" \" Jed?\" \"Never surrender!\" \"Jed, what are you...\" \"How did you dial the phone?\" \"Long story!\" \"That brazen little monkey stole the tablet, and now we're in a world of hurt, boy!\" \" What's going on?\" \" Kahmunrah!\" \" Kahmunrah?\" \" Ahkmenrah's big brother!\" \"He's here!\" \" And trust me, not a friendly!\" \" Never!\" \"I repeat, not a friendly!\" \" Is that Attila, Jed?\" \" I don't know how much longer\" \" we can fight them off!\" \"No!\" \" Jed?\" \"Are you okay?\" \" Let go of me!\" \"Help!\" \" Hey, Jed.\" \" Let go!\" \"No, you let go of me!\" \"Help!\" \" Jed?\" \"What was that about?\" \"I don't know.\" \"Here, come on.\" \"Gonna drop you off at your mom's.\" \" What's going on, Dad?\" \" I'm gonna go find out.\" \"Okay, buddy, McPhee said the Federal Archives are in the Smithsonian.\" \"Where exactly am I going?\" \"That's the thing, Dad.\" \"The Smithsonian is actually 19 different museums.\" \"They're laid out around the National Mall, from the Capitol to the Lincoln Memorial.\" \"They got everything there.\" \"There's actually some really cool stuff.\" \"Nicky, please focus.\" \"Which museum are the Archives in?\" \"Not in, under.\" \"It looks like it runs underneath the entire Smithsonian.\" \"So if Ahkmenrah's tablet is down there...\" \"The biggest museum in the world is coming alive.\" \"What is exactly is your plan here, Dad?\" \" Don't worry about it.\" \" You have no plan, do you?\" \"Now, Nicholas, I have a very good, highly thought-out plan.\" \" You have no plan.\" \" Yes, I have no plan.\" \"I'll call you when I'm in.\" \"Here you go.\" \"Thanks.\" \"Welcome to the biggest museum in the world.\" \"I know, right?\" \"It's a trip.\" \"How about these planes dangling from the ceilings, huh?\" \"Pretty weird.\" \"Hi, excuse me.\" \"Could you tell me how to get to the Federal Archives?\" \"Of course.\" \"Just be a historical document worthy of storing for all eternity.\" \"I'm kidding.\" \"He's not a document.\" \"I'm sorry, sir, the Archives are underground, and they're a secure area.\" \"Really?\" \"Like, totally secure?\" \"Okay, thank you.\" \"Ladies and gentlemen, the museum will be closing in one hour.\" \"Kahmunrah.\" \"Hey!\" \"What are you doing?\" \" No touching.\" \" No, I wasn't gonna touch it.\" \"You're moving in with some I.T.T., bro.\" \" I.T. T?\" \" That's \"Intent to Touch\", homey.\" \"No, I wasn't.\" \"You're not allowed to go over the...\" \" What, are you gonna kiss it?\" \" All right, sorry.\" \"Put your hand on it and touch it.\" \"'Cause I stand there and I wait all day for a little girl like you to come in and put her precious nail-polished nails all over the exhibits.\" \"Sorry.\" \"Last time I checked, I thought we lived in a free country, so...\" \" No, we don't.\" \" No?\" \"It's the United States of Don't Touch That Thing Right in Front of You.\" \"I just want to...\" \"I'm allowed to look at it here, okay?\" \"See what happens when you touch it!\" \"So you're threatening me?\" \"You're threatening me, Brandon?\" \" It's \"Brundon.\"\" \" Excuse me?\" \" \"Brundon\"!\" \" \"Brundon\"?\" \" \"Brundon.\" - \"Brundon.\"\" \"What, did they run out of U's on your nameplate maker?\" \"I don't know, did they run out of jokes at the interesting-joke store that you shop at?\" \"Sorry, it looks like \"Brandon\", but...\" \"I'm not here to be your speech therapist.\" \"It's \"Brundon\"!\" \" \"Brundon.\" Okay...\" \" You never heard of the name before?\" \"\"Brundon\"?\" \"No.\" \"Look up most popular baby names in 1984. \"Brundon.\"\" \"Okay.\" \"Are you threatening me, Brundon?\" \"I don't know, Princess Jasmine.\" \"Am I?\" \" Oh, wow.\" \"Lunabeam nine-volt.\" \" Yeah.\" \"Wonderful piece of hardware, huh?\" \" That's their title, Lunabeam Nine.\" \" Great.\" \"I prefer the Maglite LED myself, but that's just me.\" \" Do me a huge favor.\" \" What?\" \"Shove your hands into your pockets, put your attitude way down, and, also, be nice to people.\" \"Great.\" \"But could I just ask you one thing?\" \" Yeah.\" \" Okay, so just to be clear,\" \" so, I can't do this, right?\" \" Okay, that's actually crazy.\" \"Did you just make a decision to possibly end your life earlier than you were expecting?\" \"I'm gonna hit you with the flashlight.\" \" Now you are threatening me.\" \"Okay.\" \" Do not touch it!\" \" Don't touch me.\" \" Do not touch it!\" \" Do not touch it!\" \" Don't touch me!\" \"I'll touch you with my flashlight all day.\" \"No, your flashlight is meant to illuminate.\" \"I will literally rent a camper, and we will drive across America with my flashlight on your chest.\" \" Don't do that.\" \" Don't do what?\" \"Want to see what happens when I do it one more time?\" \" Let's see what happens.\" \" Watch you do nothing.\" \"Let's watch you do nothing when I do this.\" \"Seriously, Brandon...\" \" Brundon.\" \" Brundon, you do not know who you're dealing with.\" \"You think you know what it means to be a guard, huh?\" \"Trust me, you don't know the meaning of the word.\" \"I have seen things that you could not imagine.\" \" Like what kind of stuff?\" \" I'm not gonna tell you.\" \" But you're gonna drop the flashlight...\" \" The way you said it, it sounded like you were gonna say something cool.\" \"Yeah, well, you don't get to hear it.\" \"Drop the flashlight.\" \"We cool?\" \"That's actually pretty cool, what you just did.\" \"Thank you.\" \"No hard feelings?\" \" All right?\" \"Sorry.\" \" Okay.\" \" I'm sorry.\" \" No, It's my fault.\" \"I shouldn't have...\" \"No.\" \"It takes two opposing forces to cause friction, and...\" \"And you're just doing your job, all right.\" \" Take it easy, man.\" \" Yeah!\" \"That guy's great.\" \" Okay, buddy, I'm in.\" \" Great.\" \"Where are you?\" \"The northeast corridor of the Castle, just off the Commons.\" \" I need you to talk me to the Archives.\" \" Okay.\" \"At the end of the hall, turn right, and there should be a stairwell coming up on your left.\" \" Got it.\" \" Now, it's kind of a maze down there.\" \"Those underground tunnels connect a bunch of different buildings.\" \" It could get complicated.\" \" We'd better hurry, we only got 28 minutes till sundown.\" \"When you get down to B level, you want to take another left...\" \" Nick?\" \"Hello?\" \"Nick?\" \" Dad!\" \"Can you hear...\" \"Nick, you're...\" \"Nick!\" \" ID, Brundon.\" \" Hey.\" \" Later, dude.\" \" All right.\" \"Yeah.\" \"All right.\" \"Where are you guys?\" \"Oh, my God.\" \"You little troublemaker.\" \"I'm gonna deal with you later.\" \"No.\" \"No!\" \"No, no, no!\" \"No, English.\" \"English, perhaps.\" \"I'm sorry, who are you?\" \"I am Kahmunrah, the great king of the great kings, and from the darkest depths of ancient history,\" \"I have come back to life!\" \"Perhaps you did not hear what I just said.\" \"I am a centuries-old Egyptian Pharaoh.\" \"I was dead, but now I have come back to life!\" \"Yeah, no.\" \"I heard that.\" \"I got that.\" \"Welcome back.\" \" Who are you?\" \" Larry Daley.\" \"Daley Devices?\" \"It's up in New York.\" \"It's funny, I know your brother, Ahkmenrah.\" \" Do you?\" \" Yeah.\" \"He knows baby brother.\" \"The favorite son.\" \" Yeah, good kid.\" \" Isn't he just?\" \"You know, Mother and Father always gave him the best of everything, and I do mean everything.\" \"They even gave him the throne.\" \"The throne which was rightfully mine!\" \" He never mentioned that.\" \" I'll just bet he didn't.\" \"Well, now begins the era of Kahmunrah, because I have come back to...\" \"Never mind, just hand me the tablet.\" \" Don't give it to him, Gigantor!\" \" Keep him away!\" \"Silence!\" \"Silence in there, please!\" \" Don't make me come in there!\" \" No!\" \"I won't be muzzled!\" \"Look, that tablet is more powerful than you, Larry Daley of Daley Devices, can possibly imagine.\" \"Bringing things back to life is just a parlor trick.\" \"With it, I shall unlock the Gate to the Underworld and bring forth my army from the Land of the Dead.\" \"So, if it's not too much trouble hand it over.\" \"Okay, here you go.\" \"Wise decision.\" \"Yeah, I know.\" \"I'm sorry, I thought you wanted the Cube, but...\" \"The Cube?\" \"The Cube of Rubik.\" \"All right, what is this Cube of Rubik, then?\" \"The Cube.\" \"You know, the one that turns all who oppose you to dust?\" \"That one?\" \"Whatever.\" \"I thought...\" \"It was my bad, 'cause...\" \"You know what?\" \"By the way, your brother didn't want to mess with it, either.\" \"Yeah, he wanted to play it safe, too.\" \"Just, you sort of struck me as a next-level sort of guy, so I was...\" \"I am not my brother, Larry.\" \"I will kill you and your friends in the blink of an eye.\" \"Now take me to this Cube of Rubik.\" \" Here it is.\" \" Open it.\" \"Come back here!\" \"Come back here with my tablet!\" \"I still have your friends!\" \" Take the wheel!\" \" What?\" \"I said, take the wheel!\" \"Oh, we're in it now!\" \"I love it!\" \"I love it!\" \"Just keep her straight, I'll handle the rest.\" \"Now, charge!\" \" Okay, so what's the plan here?\" \" We're Americans!\" \"We don't plan, we do!\" \"Now hold on!\" \"See that?\" \"Act first, think later!\" \"Works every time!\" \"You're in good hands!\" \"General George A. Custer of the Fighting U.S. 7th Cavalry, at your service.\" \"I'm good, I'm good!\" \"Fly, you fool!\" \"What's the rumpus, ace?\" \"Look, lady, could you get out of the way?\" \"Lady?\" \"Who are you calling lady?\" \"The name is Amelia.\" \"Amelia Earhart!\" \"Perhaps you've heard of me?\" \"Oh, right.\" \"You're a famous pilot or whatever.\" \"Pilot?\" \"I was the first woman to fly the Atlantic!\" \"First woman to receive the Flying Cross, first woman to fly across the 48 states in a gyroprop.\" \"Now if you'd wipe that perhaps-permanent look of alarm off your kisser,\" \"I was wondering if you might be so kind as to tell me exactly where I am.\" \"You're in a museum.\" \"Or, actually, under it.\" \"And I'm in kind of a dangerous situation right now, so you might not want to be anywhere near me.\" \" Wow, you're fast.\" \" What's your name, flyboy?\" \"My name is Larry Daley.\" \"Well, Larry Daley, in case you weren't listening,\" \"I'm not one to shy away from danger.\" \"How about spears?\" \"Are you one to shy away from spears?\" \"Let's ankle, skipper!\" \"Now we're gonna have some fun.\" \"Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, bingo!\" \"Like a Golden Fleece.\" \"All right, troops, when your enemies captured me, they made themselves my enemies as well.\" \"Big mistake.\" \"Big mistake.\" \"All right, here's the plan.\" \"On the third bugle blast, I shall loudly announce, \"Attack!\"\" \"At which point, we will all jump out of this box and attack.\" \"Mind bomb.\" \"What do you think?\" \"You, Sacaja...\" \"That is not my name.\" \" Sacajamea.\" \" No.\" \" Sack-in-a-box.\" \" No.\" \" Cinco de Mayo.\" \" I know you are a famous general...\" \"That's all right, that's all right.\" \"I'm a person, just like you.\" \"But won't yelling, \"Attack!\" alert the enemy that we are about to attack?\" \"What?\" \"Yeah, I guess so.\" \"You're quite the popular fellow, Mr. Daley.\" \"Why don't you just skedaddle?\" \"I can't skedaddle.\" \"My friends are being held down there.\" \"I got to go get them.\" \"I got to find another way down.\" \"This is new.\" \"Hey, it's all right.\" \"I don't want to hurt you.\" \"I don't think it's you they're afraid of, Mr. Daley.\" \"Trade you.\" \"Thanks.\" \"Back off!\" \"Just back off!\" \"I will fork you!\" \"How about you, huh?\" \"Never send a boy to do a woman's job.\" \"I spent two weeks spear-hunting with a tribe in Micronesia.\" \"The Micronesians had much slower reflexes.\" \"Come on!\" \"It's over!\" \"It's over!\" \"It's all over!\" \"Well, this is one humdinger of a hootenanny.\" \"Excuse me.\" \"Sorry.\" \"Excuse me.\" \"Wow, four bars in 1945.\" \" Hello?\" \" Dad, finally!\" \"I've been studying these plans to the Archives.\" \"Looks like once you get down the stairwell...\" \"Oh, I'm way past the stairwell, Nicky.\" \" So you found everyone?\" \" Sort of.\" \"What is that flibberty-widget you are talking to?\" \" Who's that?\" \" It's Amelia Earhart.\" \"You found Amelia Earhart?\" \"I...\" \"Hey!\" \" Wait a minute!\" \" Buddy, what's your hurry?\" \" Didn't you hear?\" \"The war's over!\" \" Sorry.\" \"These guys are chasing me.\" \"What?\" \"What am I looking at, Mardi Gras?\" \" What unit are you from?\" \" I'm from Brooklyn.\" \"What?\" \"Are you serious?\" \"I'm from Flatbush!\" \"Hey, fellas!\" \"These so-and-so's are trying to rough up my pal here just 'cause he's from Brooklyn!\" \" Thank you!\" \" You got it!\" \"Fight!\" \"Hey, mister!\" \"You forgot your...\" \"What the heck is this thing?\" \"Excuse me.\" \"Mind if I get in here?\" \"Any time you're done, Mr. Daley.\" \" Call me!\" \" Thank you for that.\" \"So you're quite the smooth operator, aren't you, Mr. Daley?\" \"Quick!\" \" That actually worked.\" \" What's next?\" \"Look, nothing personal, but I'm kind of in the middle of something here that's not really your fight.\" \"It's because I'm a woman, isn't it?\" \"No, it's because I've got this ancient raised-from-the-dead evil Pharaoh guy who's willing to kill me and probably anyone near me to get this tablet so he can rule the world.\" \"So it is because I'm a woman!\" \" Look, I...\" \" No, you look, Mr. Daley!\" \"If it weren't for me, you'd still be lost in that monochromatic mayhem!\" \" Lost in what?\" \" Black and white photo, you boob!\" \"Now listen, and listen good.\" \"I can help you.\" \"I want to help you, and not because I like you, which so far I don't, but because I smell adventure, and, damn it, I want in.\" \"Okay.\" \"Don't blame me if something happens to you.\" \"I should be so lucky.\" \"I am Kahmunrah.\" \"I am half god, once removed on my mother's side, rightful ruler of Egypt, future ruler of...\" \"Well, everything else.\" \"Now, I have lost some men.\" \"So, I am in need of some new generals to join me in my little plan of conquering this world.\" \"Ivan the Terrible.\" \"Napoleon Bonaparte.\" \"And young Al Capone.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Some of the most despicable, most feared leaders in all of history.\" \"Gentlemen, really, it's just fantastic to meet you all.\" \" And us, too.\" \" And me, you.\" \"All I ask is your allegiance, and in return, I offer you the world.\" \"Literally.\" \"Are there any questions?\" \"Yeah, I got one.\" \"How come you're wearing a dress?\" \"This is not a dress.\" \"This is a tunic.\" \"It was the height of fashion 3,000 years ago, I assure you.\" \"Are there any other questions?\" \"Da.\" \"This dress you're wearing, do we have to wear one of these, too?\" \"Were you not listening?\" \"I just told Mr. Capone here that this is not a dress.\" \"It is, in fact, a tunic.\" \"Very big difference.\" \"Are there any other questions?\" \"Any questions not about the dress?\" \"Tunic?\" \"All right, then.\" \"Moonlight is wasting,\" \" and the time is short.\" \" Short?\" \"Why do you look at me when you say \"short\"?\" \"Sorry.\" \"It slipped out.\" \"Da.\" \"If we are talking about world domination, then of course, I am interested.\" \"But first I want to clarify something so you know what you are getting.\" \"People always say, \"Ivan the Terrible, he's so terrible.\" \"\"I'm so scared of Ivan.\" \"He's bad news.\"\" \"When in fact, the correct translation is\" \"\"Ivan the Awesome\".\" \"Ivan the Awesome?\" \"It's not really as catchy, is it?\" \"I mean, \"Ivan the Terrible\", that really pops.\" \"But I wasn't terrible.\" \"In fact, I was quite an effective leader.\" \"Duly noted.\" \"Now, I'd like to wrap up the old meet-and-greet by asking you gentlemen a question.\" \"Are you with me?\" \" Yeah.\" \"Yeah, sure.\" \" Oui.\" \" Da, but...\" \" Then bring Larry Daley of Daley Devices and the Golden Tablet of Ahkmenrah to me!\" \"We'll get you back down to your chums, Mr. Daley.\" \"You won't get lost following Amelia Earhart.\" \"Quick, get down.\" \"Well, well, Mr. Daley, I quite like the way you're holding me.\" \"No.\" \"Sorry, I wasn't trying to...\" \"Oh, please, stop beating your gums, Mr. Daley.\" \"You haven't been able to take your cheaters off my chassis since the moment we met.\" \"I literally didn't understand one word of that.\" \"Is it just me or is there music in the air?\" \"... my baby, we can make it shine We can take forever...\" \"You!\" \"Little flying angel things!\" \"Quiet!\" \"They're cupids, Mr. Daley.\" \"Gods of love.\" \"Great.\" \"Gods of love, would you shut up?\" \"Please shut up.\" \"We're trying to hide.\" \"Yeah!\" \"More than a woman!\" \"Yeah!\" \"No, don't change the arrangement, it's not about the arrangement.\" \"Quiet!\" \"Kick the chorus, y'all!\" \"More than a woman\" \"Yo, show me what you got, night guard!\" \"All right, come on.\" \"Let's go.\" \"More than a woman to me\" \"More than a woman\" \"She's more than a woman\" \"And so, the little tiny man who could not be a smaller or shorter mouse runs into the claws of the giant cat!\" \"You're really hung up on the height, aren't you?\" \" No, it's not about height, see...\" \" Yes, you are.\" \"You're saying I'm a little mouse, you're a giant cat.\" \" I am the giant cat.\" \" No offense, I just...\" \"You're Napoleon.\" \"There's a complex named after you.\" \"You're famous for being little, and it's true.\" \"Look.\" \"Oh, you naive American man-boy.\" \"Look.\" \"Neither of us are gonna be jamming anytime soon, right?\" \"So it's not like we should...\" \"It's not even an issue.\" \"It's not about height or something else.\" \"It's a plan.\" \"It's a brilliant plan.\" \" So it was a plan.\" \" Snazzy maneuver, Emperor.\" \"Merci, mademoiselle.\" \"Now, if your boyfriend would kindly come with me...\" \"I'm not her boyfriend.\" \" Not her boyfriend.\" \" No.\" \"Just friends?\" \" Yeah, friends.\" \" Acquaintances.\" \"Friends.\" \"Were you guys, like, friends in college and just afraid now to both ruin your relationship by telling the other person that you want to be more than friends, that you like-like each other?\" \"One more time?\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"I didn't catch the...\" \"Were you guys, like, friends in college and now both afraid to ruin your relationship by telling the other person that you want to be more than friends, that you like-like each other?\" \" No.\" \" No?\" \"I just love the nitty-gritty of relationships.\" \"All us French do.\" \" Great.\" \" Yes.\" \"Amour!\" \" Now.\" \" Yeah?\" \" This way, or you die.\" \" Yes.\" \" Wait, I'm coming with you!\" \" No!\" \"Our fight is not with you.\" \"...so you gotta bet a second time.\" \" All right.\" \"Okay.\" \"My hair is currency in certain parts of Europe.\" \"It's true.\" \"Currency, like gold or paper money.\" \"The Duomo was purchased with just one locket.\" \"Listen up, kemosabe.\" \"This rodeo clown wouldn't know a flapjack from a flyswatter.\" \"Now, Gigantor's out there risking his hide for us.\" \"The least we can do is give him some help.\" \"Some big help.\" \"But we can't very well do that if we're stuck in here, now, can we?\" \"We need to escape.\" \"What's a flapjack?\" \"It's like a biscuit or a scone.\" \" Chest bump?\" \" Yeah.\" \"Then deadly.\" \"Watch.\" \"Guard your cards, okay?\" \"Now you bet.\" \"Okay, now you got to throw some cards down.\" \" Ready?\" \" Ready.\" \"Say something.\" \"Say anything.\" \"This is no fun.\" \"You're supposed to...\" \" Hey!\" \"What are you two doing out here?\" \" Octavius, go!\" \" You, make a run for it, I'll hold them off!\" \" I will not leave you!\" \"Ain't no time for your Roman melodrama!\" \"Now, get!\" \"Go!\" \"Old Jedediah will be fine.\" \"Now, you're in real trouble.\" \"Why, these aren't real rubies at all.\" \"Ruby slippers indeed.\" \"But, whoever you are, Archie Bunker, you had one comfortable throne.\" \"Hey, boss.\" \"Caught this one trying to escape through a rust hole in the crate.\" \"One of his little friends got away.\" \"Oh, please.\" \"What damage could they possibly do?\" \"Why, they're no bigger than a little grain of couscous.\" \"Aren't you?\" \"You know, two words come to mind when I hear you talk.\" \"\"Delusional\" and \"weirdo\".\" \"And if I had to say a third, \"goofy\".\" \"Just goofy.\" \"Now you let old Jedediah out of here or he's gonna get angry.\" \"Well played, Jedediah!\" \"I'm sorry, I can't take you seriously.\" \"You're just adorable, even when you're threatening me.\" \"It's hilarious.\" \"Is it just me, or are these guys unbelievably cute?\" \"Now hold it a second, now.\" \"Now, you have a right to keep me as your captive, torture me, even, but don't call me cute!\" \"I ain't cute!\" \"Steady, my friend!\" \"Just stay alive!\" \"I will find you!\" \"Gigantor.\" \"No!\" \"Hello, Mr. Daley.\" \"Nice to see you again.\" \"Now, if you don't mind, I shall take that from you.\" \"Thank you.\" \"Finally.\" \"Finally!\" \"After 3,000 years, my evil army of the damned, my beautiful, beautiful army, shall be unleashed!\" \"I'm afraid that Mother and Father may have slightly changed the combination on me.\" \"I guess this whole unleashing-the-underworld thing isn't really working out for you, huh?\" \"It must be really frustrating, 'cause you've waited thousands of years to come back from the dead and everything, and now you can't get it open.\" \"Fear not, for I shall wait a thousand more if I must.\" \"Good, 'cause in a few hours you'll be standing here in a frustrated position, frozen, and I'll walk out of here with my buddies and that'll be that.\" \"So, I got all night.\" \"Really?\" \"All night?\" \"Well!\" \"He doesn't.\" \"Open that cage.\" \" What are you doing?\" \" No touching!\" \"No touching!\" \"Don't you manhandle me!\" \" Look, he's having a little tantrum.\" \" Jed?\" \"Don't you squirm!\" \"Don't squirm.\" \"It'll only be worse for you.\" \" Put him down!\" \" Don't be afraid.\" \"I shan't hurt you.\" \"I lied.\" \"I don't think he has all night at all, Mr. Daley.\" \"From the looks of things, I'd say he has a little over an hour.\" \"Take me out of here!\" \"You were the guardian!\" \"You know all about this tablet.\" \"You're obviously much more clever than the rest of us.\" \"You may or may not know the combination, but I am going to give you exactly one hour to figure it out.\" \"If you do not, I shall kill your friends.\" \"And please don't think about escaping, for I shall be watching you.\" \"Look, I don't even know how to begin to decipher this thing, all right?\" \"Really.\" \"What a pity.\" \"And your little cowboy friend seemed like such a charming little fellow.\" \"Ah, well.\" \"Tick-tock, Mr. Daley.\" \"Your hour has begun.\" \"Hey!\" \"You got this, partner.\" \"I know you do.\" \"You got this!\" \"There you are!\" \"Are you all right?\" \"I've been worried sick!\" \"Sick I tell you.\" \" No, I'm fine.\" \" So what's our next move, partner?\" \"I don't know.\" \"I just got to get this tablet translated.\" \"Oh, great!\" \"This guy again.\" \"Look, buddy, we don't want any trouble, all right?\" \"Look at that!\" \"I guess our sassy cephalopod was just a fish who didn't like being out of water.\" \"He's not such a ballywagger after all.\" \"Okay.\" \"Glad you're happy.\" \"Hello?\" \"A little assistance?\" \" Hey, Teddy!\" \"Perfect!\" \" Yes!\" \"Maybe you could help us.\" \"I'd love to help you, but first things first.\" \"My nose is so itchy, it's driving me insane.\" \"I hate to ask, but, as you see, I'm missing a few body parts.\" \" Could you please give us a scratch?\" \" Yeah, sure.\" \"Oh, yes!\" \"That's exquisite.\" \"A little over there...\" \" Yes!\" \" More?\" \"Oh, yes!\" \"Yes!\" \"Oh, that's...\" \"Sweet rutabaga pie, that was divine.\" \"Theodore Roosevelt, at your service.\" \"Twenty-sixth President of the United States, Rough Rider, founder of the national parks, and a whole bunch of other stuff.\" \" Have we met?\" \" No, there's another Teddy.\" \" We have one of you in New York.\" \" Really?\" \"What's he like, this other me?\" \"He's pretty much the same, except with...\" \"Except what?\" \"Say it.\" \"Except with a body?\" \" Yes.\" \"He has a body.\" \" Oh, dash it, the pain!\" \" And a horse.\" \" Excuse me!\" \"We really need someone to translate what's written on this tablet.\" \" Do you read hieroglyphics?\" \" Yes, I do, missy.\" \"That's a simple one.\" \"Bird.\" \"Man with spear.\" \"Sideways fish.\" \"Beetle.\" \"Vase.\" \"Okay, and what does that mean?\" \"It means, and this is just a rough translation,\" \"\"A man with a spear trapped a bird and a sideways fish in a vase.\" \"\"And there was also a beetle.\"\" \" I don't think that's it.\" \" That's just one possible translation.\" \"Another possible translation is,\" \"\"You will find the combination you seek\" \"\"if you figure out the secret at the heart of Pharaoh's tomb.\"\" \" Okay, and what does that mean?\" \" I don't know!\" \"What am I, the Sphinx?\" \"\"What's this?\" \"What's that?\" Why don't you ask New York Teddy?\" \"I'm sure he'd love to get his grabby little fingers all over that thing!\" \"Probably let his horse lick it, too!\" \"Mr. Daley, we should be going to the sculpture gallery.\" \"I think there's someone there who might have a better thought on this.\" \"The fellow we're looking for is just down here.\" \" Bonsoir.\" \" Hello, young lady.\" \"Hey, excuse me.\" \"Could we keep moving, please?\" \"We certainly could, but then we might miss a rare opportunity.\" \"I mean, she is a Degas, Mr. Daley.\" \"Okay, it's just I got a little buddy stuck in an hourglass,\" \"I got a pitch meeting at Wal-Mart in the morning...\" \" It would be great if we could...\" \" He's right here.\" \"I think he'll have a thought on this.\" \"Mr. Thinker, we're sorry to interrupt your contemplation, but we really need to figure out the secret at the heart of Pharaoh's tomb.\" \"I'm thinking.\" \"I'm thinking.\" \"I'm thinking.\" \" I'm thinking.\" \" It's not happening with him.\" \"Oh, wow.\" \"You've gotta be kidding me.\" \"Check that out!\" \" Oh, yeah.\" \" Hey!\" \"Hey!\" \"Buddy!\" \"Over here!\" \"This is serious.\" \"Apparently, it's a matter of life and death.\" \"I'll tell you what's a matter of life and death.\" \"That beautiful lady over there.\" \"Hey, baby!\" \"Check out the gun show going on over here!\" \"Firepower!\" \"He's certainly no Einstein.\" \" Biceps!\" \"Deltoids...\" \" Yeah.\" \" Wait a minute.\" \"I saw a bunch of those.\" \" A bunch of whats?\" \" Little Einsteins.\" \" Where?\" \"Over there, in Air and Space.\" \"I gotta get over there.\" \"What?\" \" Nothing.\" \" Okay.\" \"Then why are you staring at me?\" \"I don't wanna miss a moment.\" \"All right, good, but we should get going, 'cause we...\" \" Why?\" \" You talk too much, ace.\" \"I don't know why I did that, Mr. Daley.\" \"I just feel as if I've been asleep for a long time and now, suddenly,\" \"I'm awake.\" \"I can explain that...\" \"But really, I could.\" \"I really...\" \"Again, why?\" \"Great, you're back.\" \"Okay.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Great.\" \"Love theme from Titanic.\" \"Good, but not really appropriate.\" \"You don't let yourself enjoy things much, do you, Mr. Daley?\" \"Okay, you know what?\" \"It's not really the song choice.\" \"And by the way, you're a little pitchy.\" \"Well, I thought you were amazing, and you look wonderful.\" \"Could you just fly away, please?\" \"And so the adventure continues.\" \"What did I tell you?\" \"Enough!\" \"You know, I do sort of feel like a floating butterfly.\" \"You are crazier than a road lizard.\" \"Mr. Egypt, these two here heard that we're taking over the world and they want in.\" \"I don't know who they are, but they're on exhibit here, too, apparently.\" \"I don't even know what they are.\" \"I'm sorry, but we're all full up in our axis of evil today.\" \"Sorry.\" \"Come on!\" \"But I'm bad!\" \"I'm bad!\" \"Hey, I could show you how bad I am!\" \"Fear me!\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"I'm just not buying it.\" \"You don't seem very bad.\" \"You just seem sort of vaguely grouchy to me.\" \"Oh, boy.\" \"What are you doing?\" \"What is that?\" \"What is this?\" \"What does it mean?\" \"You've lost me.\" \"Is that you breathing?\" \"Because I can't hear myself think.\" \"Can I make one suggestion to you, my friend?\" \"Just simplify.\" \"There's just too much going on here.\" \"You're evil, you're asthmatic, you're a robot...\" \"And what is the cape for?\" \"Are we going to the opera?\" \"I don't think so.\" \"Sorry!\" \"Goodbye.\" \"Attention!\" \"He's leaving with the tablet!\" \"Where?\" \"Give me that.\" \"He's not trying to figure out the...\" \"He's trying to escape!\" \"Go.\" \"Go!\" \"All of you!\" \"Kill him!\" \"And bring me that tablet.\" \"Come on, people!\" \"Let's go!\" \"Without that tablet, we've nothing!\" \"Streltsy!\" \"Go!\" \"Thought you could get away, didn't you, Larry Daley?\" \"Criminy, we're jimmy-jacked.\" \" Jimmy-jacked?\" \"Really?\" \" It's the way I speak.\" \"Yeah, I know, but that one sounds made up, even for you.\" \"\"Oh, no, our path has been blocked by bad people.\" What's the fun in that?\" \"The point is, we're not getting into the Air and Space right now.\" \" You're right.\" \"We are jimmy-jacked.\" \" Jimmy-jacked.\" \"Come on.\" \"They say a good man rules this union.\" \"I promised Jedediah I would bring help, and help I will bring.\" \"Charge!\" \"Misjudged the distance.\" \"Who's there?\" \"Jupiter, protect me.\" \"Remain very still.\" \"They can sense movement.\" \"Apparently, they can also hear me talking to myself.\" \"I'm not a nut.\" \"No!\" \"We should be okay in here for a while.\" \"So, how long have you guarded antiquities?\" \"What?\" \"Oh, no, I don't actually work at the...\" \"I just thought with the fancy getup and all...\" \"No, I borrowed this.\" \"I mean, I was a guard back in New York, but that was a while ago.\" \"So why did you leave?\" \"Did you not enjoy it?\" \"No, I loved it.\" \"I just...\" \"Things sort of took off in a different direction, so...\" \" So what do you do now?\" \" Well, I sort of...\" \"Well, I sort of design products and sell them.\" \" You're an inventor!\" \" I am.\" \"I am an inventor, yeah.\" \"I invent stuff.\" \"Like the rocket ship?\" \" No.\" \" The sea plane.\" \" The dirigible?\" \" No, not aircraft.\" \"Sort of like more small-scale stuff, like...\" \"Well, the Glow-in-the-Dark Flashlight, that was mine.\" \"So this new job, do you like it?\" \"Yeah, I like it a lot.\" \"It's exciting.\" \"It's...\" \" What?\" \" I'm just confused, is all.\" \"If you're not excited by it, why do you do it?\" \" I am excited by it.\" \"I just said...\" \" I know what you said, Mr. Daley, but what I see in front of me is a man who's lost his moxie.\" \"I have not lost my...\" \"I got my moxie.\" \"Do you know why I became a pilot?\" \" I don't, no.\" \" For the fun of it.\" \"Why else would anyone do anything?\" \"Great Gatsby!\" \"Blast these pigeons and their incessant cooing!\" \" No!\" \"Mr. President!\" \"Sir!\" \" All right.\" \"Time to see the state...\" \" Please don't get up!\" \"...of this great union!\" \"I always say, leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today.\" \"Sir, if you go out there, you're gonna freak a lot of people out!\" \"Freak?\" \"I assure you, sir, I am no freak.\" \" No, I didn't mean you're a freak...\" \" Come here, little one.\" \"In fact, if anyone is freakish, I'm afraid it's you, sir.\" \"The truth is, you are very small.\" \"And I mean even for a regular-sized human.\" \"What?\" \"Why would you even say that?\" \"I must be honest.\" \"Right.\" \"Okay, Honest Abe.\" \"Of course.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"Great.\" \"Come, now, Mr. President, put the little man down and let's sit our fanny back in that throne of yours.\" \"You have a can-do attitude, and I shall do as you ask.\" \"Thank you.\" \" There you go.\" \" Thank you.\" \"It's that very can-do spirit that has defined this remarkable nation of ours.\" \" Interesting story.\" \" They're coming.\" \"One night in Gettysburg...\" \"Mr. President, we're gonna need you to hold still now.\" \" What?\" \" Abraham, freeze!\" \"Freeze?\" \"I...\" \" Thank you.\" \" You're welcome.\" \" Come on, let's get to Air and Space.\" \" If I may,\" \" you two make an adorable couple.\" \" Oh, no, we're not...\" \"No, we're not a...\" \"I mean, we're not a...\" \"\"We're not a...\" \"I mean, we're not a...\"\" \"I never lie!\" \"The truth is, you two are adorable together.\" \"Thank you.\" \"Good night.\" \"Farewell, lovely lady and small, little man.\" \"Now let's see if we can find these Einsteins of yours.\" \"One giant leap for a mannequin...\" \"D.C., this is Air and Space.\" \"We are back online and fully operational.\" \"The Tuskegee Airmen are on the march once again.\" \"Can you stop narrating everything we're doing?\" \"Just live in the moment.\" \"The Tuskegee Airmen are living in the moment!\" \" Miss Earhart?\" \" Yes.\" \" I wanna say thank you.\" \" What for, Captain?\" \"A lot of people didn't think we could fly, either.\" \"Thanks for clearing the runway, ma'am.\" \" Race you to Paris?\" \" You're on!\" \"No!\" \"Not now!\" \"We gotta...\" \" It's just a quick jaunt over the pond.\" \" No.\" \"Gotta find the Einsteins.\" \"Come on, we gotta go.\" \"We don't have time.\" \"Come on!\" \"Sorry, it's in the blood.\" \"There she is, Mr. Daley.\" \"Old Bessie, the old family bus.\" \"That gal took me across the Atlantic!\" \"Okay.\" \"I think the Einsteins are over here, though.\" \"This is Mission Control.\" \"Flight check complete.\" \" Where'd you go?\" \"Where'd they go?\" \" You are clear for launch.\" \"Contact!\" \"D.C., this is Mission Control.\" \" No, no!\" \"No!\" \" All systems go and green for lift-off.\" \"Roger that.\" \"We are green for lift-off.\" \"No, we're definitely not green for any kind of lift-off!\" \" I want a \"go, no-go\" for launch.\" \" I say no-go.\" \"Let's not go.\" \"Go!\" \"Go!\" \" Go!\" \" No!\" \"No go!\" \"Torquing angles incoming.\" \"Tone it down with the torque.\" \"Torque it down.\" \"De-torque.\" \"De-torque.\" \"Commence ignition sequence.\" \" Roger that, flight.\" \" We have launch commit.\" \" No.\" \"No, no, no!\" \" Ten, nine, eight, seven...\" \" Hey, that's mine.\" \" No, we do not have commit.\" \"Repeat.\" \"We are decommissioning the committal of the launch and it is now a negatory launch phase.\" \"We are in a no-fly, no-go phase.\" \"That is a November-Gorgon phase of non-flying!\" \" Fine!\" \" And we're gonna say good night.\" \"Thank you.\" \"Good work.\" \"Over and out.\" \" Sorry.\" \" Damn, that was disappointing.\" \"Come on.\" \"I'll buy you a cup of coffee.\" \"Hey, little space monkey.\" \"You're Able.\" \"Okay, good.\" \"How you doing?\" \"Yes, good.\" \"At ease.\" \"All right.\" \"You're a polite little fella, aren't you?\" \"Hey, you happen to know where those little Einstein bobblehead guys are?\" \"Mr. Daley!\" \"I found your Einsteins.\" \"Great.\" \"Hey...\" \"Gentlemen, we're trying to crack the combination of this tablet doodad, and the writing here says we'll find it if we figure out the secret at the heart of Pharaoh's tomb.\" \"That's an easy one.\" \"The answer's in the question.\" \" What does that mean?\" \" \"Figure out\".\" \"It's a figure!\" \"I.e., a number.\" \"And the Pharaoh's tomb, i.e. the pyramids.\" \"Don't you get it, kid?\" \"You're looking for the secret number at the heart of the pyramids.\" \"Well, whistle me Dixie, the answer's pi!\" \" Pi?\" \" 3.14159265, to be exact.\" \"Yes!\" \"3.1495265.\" \"No, no, no, 3.14159265.\" \"Yeah, okay, 3.14...\" \"I'm sorry, I can't tell.\" \"Is it yes or no?\" \"Cause you just...\" \"I know it's hard, could you just...\" \"Don't touch the hair.\" \" Sorry, I can't tell if it's up or...\" \" I'm a bobblehead, dummkopf, and that's the way we like it.\" \"All together, now!\" \"That's the way We like it\" \"You know, we can't all be Einsteins, so...\" \" I can!\" \" We are!\" \" He is!\" \" Me, too!\" \" Okay, all right.\" \" Okay, here it is.\" \" Can you slow it down a little bit?\" \" Okay.\" \"3.14159265.\" \" Okay. 3.14...\" \" I've got it.\" \" Thank you, Mr. Einsteins.\" \" Thank you.\" \"All right.\" \"Now, like the brilliant and famous general that I am,\" \"I thought long and hard about what you said, and I've come up with a brand-new and improved battle plan!\" \"Okay.\" \"I will loudly announce that we are not going to attack, and then...\" \"Wait for it.\" \"\"What's the amazing Custer about to say now?\" \"I hope he's my friend, or...\"\" \"We attack!\" \"Didn't expect your friend to run off like that, did you?\" \"He's coming back, Ka-Ka-Ro.\" \"Sure as moon shines on a mongoose, he'll be here.\" \"I would save my breath if I were you.\" \"You don't have many left.\" \"We've got about 10 minutes to get over there to Jed.\" \"I think we make a good team, perhaps more than a team.\" \"Wait.\" \"Okay, wait.\" \"What's the matter?\" \"You didn't like kissing me?\" \"No, I did.\" \"It was great.\" \"I mean, the slapping hurt a little bit, but...\" \" So you don't like me, then.\" \" Of course I like you.\" \"You're incredible.\" \"I think you're an amazing person.\" \"You're...\" \"It's just there are certain issues that would prevent us from...\" \" I just...\" \"You're not...\" \" I'm not what, Mr. Daley?\" \"Okay.\" \"You're made of...\" \"Made of...\" \"Wonderful things.\" \"You're made of good, wonderful things.\" \"Come on.\" \"Gentlemen, could you buy us some time please?\" \"It'll have to do.\" \"No!\" \"That's the first plane ever made!\" \"It's made out of balsa wood and paper.\" \"It's made out of spruce and canvas and good old-fashioned American ingenuity.\" \"Are you coming, or what?\" \" Out of our way!\" \" I don't think so.\" \"They're getting away!\" \"Hang on, Mr. Daley.\" \"Things are about to get interesting.\" \"A lady pilot!\" \"Preposterous!\" \" Think again, boys!\" \" Oh, she's good.\" \"What?\" \"What?\" \"One of the wires is jammed.\" \"I'm going to have to loosen it.\" \" Here, take the stick!\" \" No!\" \"I'm not gonna...\" \"No!\" \"I know you've got moxie in you yet.\" \"Moxie doesn't fly planes!\" \"People who have pilots' licenses fly planes!\" \" Okay.\" \" She's all yours.\" \"I don't want it!\" \"I don't want the stick!\" \"Don't look now, Mr. Daley, but you're flying an airplane!\" \"Able!\" \"The doors!\" \" Got it!\" \" Pull!\" \"Pull up!\" \"Yes!\" \"Godspeed, Amelia Earhart!\" \"Godspeed.\" \"Look a little nervous there, Ramen Noodle.\" \"'Cause for me, this is like a spa treatment.\" \"Sand baths are really rejuvenating for the skin.\" \"Exfoliates.\" \"Giving up yet?\" \"Not quite yet, no.\" \"In fact, let's see if we can't make time fly.\" \"What is that funny sound?\" \"Stop!\" \"Right there, please, Mr. Daley.\" \"Well.\" \"Well, well, well!\" \"You certainly know how to make an entrance, Mr. Daley.\" \"Time to recruit some backup.\" \"I hope for your little friend's sake, here, that you also figured out the combination.\" \" Give me Jed.\" \" Oh, no, no, no.\" \"First, give me the combination and hand over that tablet.\" \"I'll give you the tablet and the combination when you release my friends and give him back to me.\" \"I shall release what I want to release the moment I want to release it.\" \"Great.\" \"And I'll release what I want to release at the exact moment that I want to release it, okay?\" \"Tell me the combination and give me that tablet right now or I shall kill all of your friends, starting with the little shaggy-headed little cowman here.\" \"I ain't shaggy-headed!\" \"Gigantor, let me take this guy!\" \"Don't worry, I got this handled.\" \"You don't want to give me my friends, then you're not gonna get your combination or your tablet.\" \" All right, I'll tell you what.\" \" Good.\" \"They didn't call me Kahmunrah the Trustworthy for nothing.\" \"Here you go.\" \"They didn't call me Kahmunrah the Trustworthy!\" \"They called me Kahmunrah the Bloodthirsty, who kills whoever doesn't give Kahmunrah exactly what he wants in the moment that he wants it, which is right now, when I had also better get the combination and the tablet!\" \" That's what they called you?\" \" It was shorter in Egyptian.\" \"Great, I'll give you the combination after you give him back.\" \"How dare you?\" \"If you touch that again, I shall kill you right now.\" \" Okay.\" \" Do not touch this.\" \" This is a no-touching zone!\" \" Good.\" \"Well, then...\" \"Oh, my God!\" \"I can't believe you reached across like that again!\" \"I can't even believe it!\" \"Oh, God, I want to kill you right...\" \"If you didn't know this combination, you'd be so dead right now,\" \" it would be unbelievable.\" \" Great, but I do know the combination.\" \"Don't cross this line with your hand!\" \"How dare you!\" \"If you speak again, I'm going to kill you.\" \"Do you understand this?\" \"Don't say it!\" \"Oh, God, I see you getting ready.\" \" I wasn't gonna say anything.\" \" Oh, my God, don't say anything.\" \"I shall murder you if you talk again.\" \"Now give me that tablet and tell me the combination.\" \"Okay.\" \"After you give me Jed and release my friends.\" \" You did all three!\" \" What?\" \"You spoke and you reached your hand across!\" \"Look.\" \"I can talk to you about this all night, okay?\" \" How about this?\" \" Look, just give...\" \"How about I don't kill you right now, like I really, really want to, and I give you precisely five seconds to give me that tablet and tell me the combination?\" \"We already got the combination.\" \"It's pi.\" \" 3.14159265.\" \" No!\" \" Hey.\" \" Sorry.\" \"So Crazy Hair here, he sang.\" \"Oh, did he sing!\" \"Like a canary.\" \"I'm sorry, Larry.\" \"Enough out of you!\" \"Remember what happened last time?\" \" That's enough.\" \" Stupid man.\" \" You okay?\" \" Yeah, thanks.\" \"Must be a real bummer for you, Larry, knowing that all of your valiant efforts were, in the end, for naught.\" \"What a terrible disappointment you must be to yourself.\" \"Do you hear that humming sound?\" \"Do you know what that sound is?\" \"It's rhetorical.\" \"That is the sound of the End.\" \"I'm sorry, Jed.\" \"You did your best, Gigantor.\" \"Dadgum it, we almost had him, too.\" \"No, I mean, I'm sorry I wasn't around the last couple of years at the museum.\" \" Maybe none of this would have happened.\" \" You don't get it, do you, Gigantor?\" \"I didn't call you 'cause we needed your help.\" \"Sure, we were in a little pickle, but it wouldn't have been the first time\" \"I had to wrestle my way out of a root sack.\" \"No, partner.\" \"I called you 'cause you needed us.\" \"That fancy suit you've been parading around in these past couple years, that there's a hanging suit.\" \"All gussied up, but dead inside.\" \"That ain't you.\" \" And I'll tell you another thing.\" \" Yeah.\" \"This night ain't over yet.\" \"This little Midnight Cowboy's got some fight left in him.\" \"Something tells me you do, too.\" \"Ho, now!\" \"Welcome to the new, extended reign of Kahmunrah,\" \"Fifth King of Egypt and now the world!\" \"Horus, Ra, my warriors, come forth!\" \"Send Larry Daley and his friends to their doom!\" \"Halt!\" \"The mighty Octavius has returned!\" \"I ride on the back of nature's most fearsome creature!\" \"I ride the squirrel!\" \"Forward now, my mighty steed!\" \"Whoa, girl!\" \"Easy.\" \"Do you wish to surrender honorably?\" \"Or must this end with the spilling of your blood?\" \"This?\" \"This is your big rescue?\" \"Oh, no.\" \"This is!\" \"What is that thing?\" \"The name is Abraham Lincoln.\" \" And you, sir, are in a heap of trouble!\" \" Attack it!\" \"Disgusting half-pigeons!\" \"No, no, no!\" \"Hello?\" \"Adi\u00f3s, bird brains!\" \"Wait, wait, wait.\" \"No, no!\" \"Goodbye, strange birdmen.\" \"Do not return to the Underworld!\" \"Yes, yes, do go back into the Underworld!\" \"Thank you for coming!\" \"Good night!\" \"No, no!\" \"Oh, this is awkward.\" \"It appears my work here is done.\" \"Just remember, son, a house divided against itself cannot stand.\" \"Farewell.\" \" What now?\" \" You know, I'm not quite sure.\" \"I suppose we should probably start by watching him die.\" \"Streltsy!\" \"Make him dead!\" \"Now what?\" \"We are not going to attack right now!\" \"Get them!\" \"Fear not, Larry!\" \"I will help Jedediah!\" \"You come at them from behind!\" \" Hey, what's going on?\" \" I'm hiding.\" \"Hiding?\" \"What are you doing?\" \"Come on, we need you.\" \" I'm a failure.\" \" No, you're not.\" \"Did you foolishly lead 208 Americans to their deaths at the Battle of Little Bighorn?\" \" No.\" \" No?\" \"Not good.\" \"Not good at all.\" \" That's not good.\" \" Sure, I talk a good game, but the truth of the matter is, I don't deserve these stars.\" \"I will always be famous for my biggest failure.\" \"Hey.\" \"The past is the past, okay?\" \"Right now, this moment, this night, this is what you're gonna be remembered for.\" \"This is your last stand.\" \" They need a leader.\" \" Yeah, they need a leader.\" \"Yeah?\" \"You want to be their leader, huh?\" \" Yeah, I do.\" \" Let's do this!\" \" All right?\" \" Yeah.\" \"Let's go!\" \"Not good!\" \"Larry!\" \"Hey, Able!\" \"I want to help!\" \"Oh, great.\" \"Who are you?\" \"This is my museum!\" \"Well, he's my human.\" \"Back off!\" \"You need all the help you can get, Jungle-Dweller!\" \"Get over yourself space snob!\" \"Guys!\" \"Hey, guys!\" \"This is not the time to get into this, all right?\" \"Dexter, you know better.\" \"All right?\" \"That's what happens when you do that!\" \"You get that.\" \"Stop!\" \"Just stop!\" \"Stop!\" \"Now, listen.\" \"You're both proud capuchin!\" \"You need to concentrate on slapping the enemy!\" \"Keep it together, all right?\" \"Come on, let's go!\" \"Let's do it!\" \" Jedediah!\" \"They need us!\" \" I ain't gonna make it!\" \"Afraid this cowboy's been to his last hoedown.\" \"Octavius, remember me as I was, wild, and free, and...\" \" No need for final words.\" \" I'm not finished yet.\" \"I want to get to the story of our relationship, the evolution from enemy to friends.\" \" No!\" \" It'll make you cry!\" \"No!\" \"Because you are going to live!\" \" Let's go to work.\" \" Have a sword.\" \"Sword!\" \"Incoming!\" \"That smarts.\" \"You smack, you kick!\" \"You smack, you kick!\" \"You smack, you kick!\" \"Teamwork, fellas!\" \"Wunderbar!\" \"How you doing, fellas?\" \" Are you all right?\" \" Never better.\" \"Listen, when I give you the signal, I want you to open the gate.\" \" I take it you have a plan.\" \" I'm gonna divide the house.\" \"The tablet!\" \"Now!\" \"Okay, sure, you can have it.\" \"Just tell me who the boss is and I'll give it to you.\" \"Or should I give it to Kahmunrah?\" \"He's your master, right?\" \" Nyet!\" \"He is not our master!\" \" Really?\" \"'Cause he acts like he is.\" \"But fine, just tell me who the boss is and you can have it.\" \"Hey!\" \"That'd be me.\" \"This man is a peasant!\" \"I am the only one here of noble birth!\" \"Really?\" \"'Cause he's got more medals and a bigger hat, but...\" \" Thank you.\" \" You might got a lot of medals, but you put one of your little child hands on that tablet again, it'll be the last thing them tiny little mitts of yours ever touch.\" \"Why would you touch little Nippy?\" \"I can handle this, okay?\" \"You can handle nothing!\" \"You can barely speak, you fool!\" \"You know what?\" \"No problem.\" \"I'll give it to you.\" \"You see that?\" \"Oh, you're a spunky little fella!\" \"Very clever, Mr. Daley, getting them to fight amongst themselves.\" \"Yeah.\" \"I can't really take credit.\" \"It was Abraham Lincoln's idea.\" \"You know, a house divided can't...\" \" Doesn't do well.\" \" Yes, well, you should have saved yourself when you had the chance, because now I shall have the tremendous pleasure of killing you myself!\" \"What are you?\" \"I'm the night guard.\" \"No!\" \"Victory is ours!\" \"Yeah!\" \"That's what I'm talking about!\" \"Yeah!\" \"I'd say somebody found his moxie.\" \"The Battle of the Smithsonian.\" \"Perhaps the greatest battle the world will never know.\" \"We'll know.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Oh, man, I got an hour till sunrise.\" \"I got to get you guys back.\" \"In case you forgot, Gigantor, they don't want us there anymore.\" \"Well, I do.\" \"Hey, think you could hook us up with a ride?\" \"My pleasure, of course.\" \"Hang on a second.\" \"One last thing I got to take care of.\" \"Come on, boy!\" \"Come on, come on!\" \"Get in there!\" \"Feels good, right?\" \"You're welcome!\" \"Just get back inside by sunrise, okay?\" \"These are promising days, indeed.\" \"All right.\" \"Hey, come on, guys.\" \"Remember, stay with your buddy, all right?\" \"Good, good.\" \"Well, you're back where you belong.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Think so.\" \"I guess I should be going.\" \"Hey, Amelia.\" \"That thing that I was trying to tell you about earlier...\" \"There's not really an easy way to put this,\" \" but, in the morning...\" \" I know what's coming, Mr. Daley.\" \"I've always known.\" \"But it doesn't matter.\" \"You've given me the adventure of a lifetime in one night.\" \"And I have a feeling it's going to be a beautiful sunrise.\" \"Have fun.\" \"Thanks.\" \"I don't know about you fellas, but this old cowboy just got to second base.\" \" There she goes.\" \" Straight towards...\" \"Canada.\" \"She's heading to Canada.\" \"No, now she course-corrected.\" \"Here, head on downstairs, guys.\" \" All righty.\" \" Good night, Larry.\" \"Hey, boy, how's it going?\" \"Lawrence!\" \"Bless you for bringing them back.\" \"And might I say, a hearty well-done is in order.\" \"And may I also point out, they cannot hide in the basement forever.\" \"Yeah.\" \"No, I think I got that figured out.\" \" Really?\" \" Yeah.\" \"Sun come, dum-dum.\" \"Our moai friend is right.\" \"The dawn will soon be upon us.\" \"Hey, Teddy.\" \"Remember the other night you were saying something about the key to happiness?\" \" Did I?\" \" You said, \"The key to happiness is...\"\" \"And then the sun came up and you froze.\" \" I think I got it figured out.\" \" Yes?\" \"It's doing what you love, isn't it?\" \"With people you love.\" \"Actually, I was going to say \"physical exercise\", but the love thing's good, too.\" \" Lawrence!\" \" Yeah.\" \"Welcome home, son.\" \"Thanks.\" \"Well, folks, the wait is over.\" \"After two months of renovation, tonight, The Museum of Natural History reopens its doors to the public.\" \"As you can see, New Yorkers are flooding in, eager to see just what changes are in store.\" \"With its new, extended night hours, we're told the museum will be more lively than ever.\" \" Well, well, well, well!\" \" Hey.\" \"I see the uniform still fits after these long, long years.\" \"Yeah, yeah.\" \"Really hasn't been that long, but...\" \"So, to what do we owe this \"triumphant\" return?\" \"Not cut out for the \"corporate\" jungle after all.\" \"Got fired.\" \"No, actually, I sold my company.\" \"The world doth move in mysterious ways.\" \"One day, we've got to get rid of everything old, the next, a rich, anonymous donor gives a huge endowment.\" \"With a proviso:\" \"everything stays the same.\" \"So...\" \" Well, not exactly the same, obviously.\" \" No.\" \"Bully, lads and ladies, the name is Theodore Roosevelt, naturalist, Rough Rider and twenty-sixth President of these great United States.\" \"Come along, lad.\" \"The hunt is afoot.\" \"Lawrence.\" \"Hey, you dum-dums bring me gum-gum?\" \"My parents gave me this tablet some 3,000 years ago, entrusting me with one of my people's most prized possessions.\" \" Does it do anything?\" \" Do anything?\" \"Yeah.\" \"What's the point if it doesn't do anything?\" \"Tell 'em\" \"Actually, it has a magical power that brings all the exhibits to life.\" \"No, really, what's it do?\" \"Nothing.\" \"It's just for decoration.\" \"I knew it.\" \"This place is lame.\" \"This thing doesn't even look real.\" \"Seriously, dude, these animatronics suck.\" \" Mammoth?\" \" Yeah.\" \"Extinct!\" \" Today's technology is beyond me.\" \" I know.\" \"It's so lifelike.\" \" Yeah, yeah, yeah.\" \" Something else.\" \"You'll stick around a bit longer this time, or you gonna run away again when you get something better?\" \" I'm gonna stay.\" \" Stay, for a long time.\" \" Yeah.\" \" Yeah.\" \"Good. 'Cause, as night guards go, you're...\" \" What?\" \" The best.\" \"Excuse me.\" \"You, the toddler!\" \"Don't hug the displays.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"Hi.\" \"I don't mean to stare.\" \"I just...\" \"You look a lot like somebody I know, and...\" \"I get that a lot.\" \" Do you?\" \" Yeah.\" \"I guess I have that kind of face.\" \" Familiar.\" \" Yeah.\" \"You're not by any chance related to Amelia Earhart, are you?\" \" No.\" \" No.\" \" No, I don't think so.\" \" Of course you're not.\" \" I mean, I don't know.\" \"Maybe I'm...\" \" I just had to ask.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"She was that woman who flew across the Pacific.\" \" The Atlantic.\" \" Atlantic.\" \"Of course.\" \"First woman to fly across the Atlantic, and she received the Flying Cross, first woman to do that.\" \" That's very cool.\" \" Yeah, she was cool.\" \"Hey, you know what you should check out is the the Hall of Miniatures.\" \"Could you take me there?\" \"I'm always getting lost.\" \"Yeah, I know.\" \"Sure.\" \"Yeah, I'll show you.\" \"Come on.\" \"Thank you.\" \" I'm Larry Daley.\" \" Tess.\" \" Joseph, time for dinner!\" \" One second, Ma!\" \"Joey Motorola, you get down here for supper right now!\" \"I said one second, Ma!\" \"I really think I'm on to something here!\" \"Subtitles by LeapinLar\""], ["\"I should be able to do anything with all the things around me.\" \"I just have to use my head and the incantation.\" \"If I get hungry my incantation is \"Pipopa\" and the noodle shop will make a speedy delivery.\" \"When I get sleepy I flop out.\" \"If I lie down a while I'll be feeling fine by the next morning.\" \"You have it in you, too.\" \"This mysterious power.\" \"If you have a dream, then even a dream is more than just a dream.\" \"Hello, everyone.\" \"I'm a candidate to be queen of the wonderful magical world of Juraihelm.\" \"But she lost.\" \"My name's Ramia.\" \"Now I'd like to tell you about my boring, yet provoking situation.\" \"It all started because of Sasami Kawai, or Pretty Sammy.\" \"The more good deeds she does on Earth the closer Tsunami gets to becoming the true queen.\" \"This flower-loving girl this dimwitted girl is a candidate to be queen.\" \"Would you stand for this?\" \"You wouldn't, right?\" \"I won't either.\" \"Therefore!\" \"I swear I will overthrow Pretty Sammy!\" \"To put it in writing...\" \"This!\" \"Pretty Sammy, I'll get you!\" \"Ramia.\" \"Today I'll rip her to shreds and make her bawl like a baby!\" \"And you're going to dream up a plan right now, Rumiya!\" \"Huh?\" \"Who, me?\" \"Mid-Summer Santa\" \"Today's Sunday - my day off!\" \"So Misao and I are hanging around together all day!\" \"And there are no prep classes.\" \"Misao, look!\" \"It's 64 bit, next-generation hardware!\" \"With nothing special, but...\" \"a new puzzle game!\" \"Wow.\" \"And I got a high score!\" \"Wow.\" \"I'll play against Ryo-Ohki!\" \"He crushed me!\" \"Wow.\" \"Look, here's your horoscope by Miss Tokimi!\" \"People with your birth date have love, money and health!\" \"You're super-lucky in all areas!\" \"I'm glad.\" \"Look!\" \"Homework from my home economics class!\" \"Mom made it for me.\" \"Well, what do you think?\" \"Well?\" \"It looks wonderful!\" \"All right!\" \"But won't the teacher get mad?\" \"Huh?\" \"!\" \"You might be right, come to think of it.\" \"Sasami...\" \"I wonder if they have anything in common to talk about...\" \"I'm home!\" \"Hi, Misao.\" \"Over for a visit?\" \"Hello.\" \"Are you finished work, Dad?\" \"Yeah.\" \"It was pretty tough dropping those oxygen cylinders.\" \"But I brought down 3 all together, today.\" \"Oh, wow!\" \"Sasami, what does your dad do for a living?\" \"All kinds of things.\" \"Oh.\" \"Stop that, Sasami.\" \"You're embarrassing me.\" \"\"Why's that, Ginji?\"\" \"Help yourselves.\" \"Looks delicious!\" \"Huh?\" \"P-Professor Washu!\" \"Hi, Sasami.\" \"Right now I'm just Washu-chan.\" \"Oh, really?\" \"But my cake...!\" \"It was scrumptious!\" \"I'll give you 92 points today, Honoka!\" \"High score!\" \"My cake...!\" \" Huh?\" \" Let's split mine.\" \"Thank you, Misao!\" \"Well, maybe I'll watch TV for a bit.\" \"She sure is making herself at home...\" \"I'm a cake!\" \"Eat me.\" \"Eat me!\" \"Eat till you can eat no more, and I'll massacre you.\" \"N-No!\" \"I prefer spicy foods!\" \"What about it?\" \"!\" \"What a masterpiece!\" \"Japanese shows ain't that bad, huh, Johnny?\" \"My name's Ginji.\" \"I'm a cake!\" \"I'm a cake!\" \"Help!\" \"I lost my appetite.\" \"I'm scared, Sasami.\" \"Don't worry, Misao.\" \"It's just a show.\" \"But...\" \"Ginji!\" \"I'm scared!\" \"I'm scared!\" \"Honoka.\" \"I suddenly feel so happy.\" \"Isn't that great, Johnny?\" \"It's Ginji.\" \"Victory\" \"Aren't you done yet, Rumiya?\" \"Night is falling on the Earth.\" \"I want to use a magnificent plan of attack, today!\" \" Sis?\" \" Are you done?\" \"No, I can't think of anything.\" \"What's that?\" \"I couldn't hear.\" \"S-Stop, Sis...!\" \"There!\" \"Is that you up there, Ramia?\" \"Oh, Tsunami.\" \"What are you doing?\" \"Just watering the flowers.\" \"And you?\" \"Huh?\" \"!\" \"Uh, Rumiya asked me to help him with his studies.\" \"What?\" \"How admirable.\" \"But... uh...\" \"Oh, that reminds me.\" \"I was just going to look in on Sasami's progress, Ramia.\" \"If you'd like, why don't we watch together in my room?\" \"Oh, what a wonderful idea.\" \" Then shall we?\" \" Yes.\" \"Better think of something, Rumiya.\" \"I'll do my best, Sis.\" \"I was having so much fun up until a while ago.\" \"And now I'm completely alone, here.\" \"Help!\" \"Help me!\" \"La-la-la-la-la...\" \"Sasami?\" \"Can I join you?\" \"You sure can!\" \"The Lethal Flood Technique!\" \"Gee whiz, Dad!\" \"Sorry.\" \"What are you doing, Ryo-Ohki?\" \"I know.\" \"He wants us to wash him.\" \"All right.\" \"Come here.\" \"Now, now.\" \"Quit that struggling.\" \"Good!\" \"All done!\" \"Aren't you glad, Ryo-Ohki?\" \"You're all clean, now!\" \"Sasami!\" \"Misao's on the phone for you.\" \"Okay!\" \"Hello?\" \"Did you forget something here, Misao?\" \"Sasami...!\" \"What's wrong?\" \"Are you crying?\" \"Sorry, Sasami.\" \"I heard a strange noise.\" \"It sounds like someone's outside the window.\" \"I'm scared.\" \"Misao...!\" \"Mom's not coming home tonight.\" \"I'm all alone.\" \"I just wanted to hear your voice.\" \"Misao!\" \"I'll come right over to your house!\" \"Huh?\" \"Can I stay over?\" \"Yeah.\" \"Thanks!\" \"I'll be right over, so just hang on.\" \"Mom, I'm just going to...\" \"Go to Misao's house, right?\" \"Your bag's all packed.\" \"And here are your things for school tomorrow.\" \"Thanks, Mom and Dad!\" \"Let's go, Ryo-Ohki.\" \"What's wrong?\" \"Just a little head rush.\" \"Forget it; you're coming!\" \" Oh, Sasami?\" \" Yes?\" \"Um... are you going out in that charming outfit?\" \"Huh?\" \"I've got to get dressed!\" \"Hurry, Ryo-Ohki!\" \"What?\" \"Sasami's going out at this time of day?\" \"I doubt if it's for a walk.\" \"No, something must be up.\" \"And I've got to find out what it is!\" \"Yay!\" \"I'm here, Misao.\" \"Sasami!\" \"Everything's all right;\" \"I'm here now.\" \"Which one?\" \"Um...\" \"Maybe this one.\" \"Or this one?\" \"Maybe this.\" \"Or this?\" \"This one.\" \"No, this one.\" \"This one!\" \"Ugh!\" \"I lost!\" \"Can't win when the answer's written all over your face...\" \"Sasami is such a kind girl.\" \"She lost on purpose just to cheer Misao up.\" \"Yes, she is a kind girl.\" \"Now that Sasami's there, Misao would be fine even if a ghost came.\" \"That's right.\" \"Fool!\" \"As if a ghost would...!\" \"Rumiya!\" \"I just thought of a great plan!\" \"I call it, \"The Plan to Squelch Sammy with a Ghost. \"\" \"What's that mean?\" \"Quiet!\" \"Just have Misao transform to Misa.\" \"Aah!\" \" Sasami?\" \" Yeah?\" \"Thanks for coming over.\" \"Don't be silly; that's what friends are for.\" \"Can we hold hands?\" \"Yeah!\" \"Night, Misao.\" \"Night.\" \"What's this?\" \"Dad...\" \"Mom...\" \"Misao?\" \"Oh!\" \"Ryo-Ohki.\" \"Ryo-Ohki.\" \"What?\" \"Misao's gone.\" \"Probably gone to the bathroom.\" \"Huh?\" \"Is this a blackout or something...?\" \"Misao?\" \"Misao?\" \"Anybody would be scared here.\" \"M-Misao!\" \"What's wrong, Misao?\" \"Greetings, from the bathroom!\" \"Ryo-Ohki!\" \"A ghost!\" \"I saw a ghost!\" \" Ryo-Ohki, listen!\" \" A ghost?\" \"There's really a ghost!\" \"In the bathroom!\" \"It smiled at me-e-e!\" \"It's scary!\" \"It's so scary!\" \"Then why not transform into Pretty Sammy and get rid of it?\" \"You're right!\" \"I can use my magic!\" \"It's the first time I've been glad I'm magic!\" \" Here.\" \" Okay.\" \"Pretty Mutation Magical Recall!\" \"Magical Girl Pretty Sammy!\" \"You'll be safe, night or day!\" \"Ghosts are no problem!\" \"Ghosts are... no problem.\" \"Well, I'm STILL scared, though...\" \"Oh, it's noisy!\" \"A ghost!\" \"A ghost!\" \"Sammy!\" \"What are you doing, Misa?\" \"Why?\" \"Didn't my Secret Plan of Fear work on you?\" \"I get it!\" \"You conjured up the ghost!\" \"Bull's-eye, once again!\" \"And you made Misao disappear?\" \"Yes!\" \"I've got her tucked away.\" \"Where?\" \"!\" \"Where is she?\" \"!\" \"Want to see?\" \"Show me!\" \"Just a moment.\" \"Misao!\" \"Sammy... why am I...\" \"You'll never escape, Misao!\" \"M-My head...\" \"Misao!\" \"And there she was, you see?\" \"How come you're panting?\" \"I have my reasons!\" \"If you want to rescue Misao you'll have to fight my Love-love Monster!\" \"Ghost Girl!\" \"Love-love Monster Ghost Girl\" \"A... a ghost!\" \"Let her possess you, Sammy!\" \"Stupid manager!\" \"Idiot.\" \"Darn it.\" \"Huh?\" \"Huh?\" \"What?\" \"Santa?\" \"Think you got your seasons mixed up!\" \"You're a good man, Santa!\" \"Get away!\" \"This monster doesn't have a body!\" \"No!\" \"What am I supposed to do?\" \"I'll think of something.\" \"It's too late for that!\" \"I'll possess you!\" \"No!\" \"No, no, no!\" \"If I'm possessed, I'll start being bound by ghosts at night!\" \"And I'll get all kinds of letters of misfortune.\" \"And maybe I'll get hit by a car!\" \"I don't want that kind of life!\" \"I'm not listening, Sammy.\" \"See you in heaven.\" \"No!\" \"Huh?\" \"What?\" \"What's that sound?\" \"Jingle bells...?\" \"Merry Christmas!\" \"Santa's come out-of-season for the good, little magical girl.\" \"What are you doing, Professor Washu?\" \"What are you talking about?\" \"I'm Santa.\" \"What makes you Santa?\" \"Everyone knows it's Santa Claus who brings presents to good kids.\" \"Presents?\" \"That's right.\" \"Here's your present.\" \"What's this?\" \"This is an aerial chemical element fixation device.\" \"All you do is yell, \"Sammy Flash,\" and press this switch on its head.\" \"And, boom!\" \"It's amazing!\" \"This wonderful machine will make the monster develop a body!\" \"Oh, and one more present.\" \"What is this?\" \"An observation device to measure magic energy's numerical value.\" \"It really suits you, Sammy.\" \"Why are you doing this, Santa?\" \"This Santa likes researching things.\" \"Sammy!\" \"It's totally unfair to call someone for help!\" \"I didn't ask for help!\" \"Enough excuses!\" \"Ghost Girl!\" \"Get her!\" \"Okay, I'll look into this.\" \"Not fair!\" \"Sammy!\" \"Use that machine!\" \"Sammy Flash!\" \"Wow!\" \"Thanks, Professor Washu!\" \"I said, my name's Santa!\" \"Sammy!\" \"The Pretty Coquettish Bomber!\" \"Yeah!\" \"Converge, magic powers of justice!\" \"Fantastic!\" \"The magic's numerical value is higher than I imagined!\" \"Pretty...\" \"Coquettish...\" \"Bomber!\" \"You did it, Sammy!\" \"Count on me!\" \"Bravo!\" \"Wonderful!\" \"I've gathered some fantastic data.\" \"Thank you, Sammy.\" \"See you.\" \"Oh, yeah.\" \"Misa!\" \"Let Misao go!\" \"Misao!\" \"Sasami?\" \"I'm so glad you weren't hurt!\" \"Misa didn't do anything to you?\" \" What do you mean?\" \" Don't you remember anything?\" \"No, my head just hurts a little.\" \"Is that all?\" \"That's good.\" \"Sasami?\" \"Who's this \" Misa\" person you mentioned?\" \"Just forget it.\" \"Let's go back to your room.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Oh?\" \"Pretty Sammy must have done it again while I wasn't watching.\" \"Keep up the good work, Pretty Sammy!\" \"Who was that red-clad girl that came out of nowhere?\" \"W-Wasn't it Santa Claus?\" \"You idiot!\" \"Next week we'll send out even stronger Love-love Monsters!\" \"We'll squelch her!\" \"Just you wait, Sammy!\" \"To put it in writing...\" \"This!\" \"I'll show you, Sammy!\" \"Ramia.\" \"Misao, we're gonna be late!\" \"Hurry!\" \"Hurry!\" \"Sorry, Sasami.\" \"Oh?\" \"Huh?\" \"!\" \"A reindeer!\" \"What is it?\" \"Gee...\" \"I dunno.\" \"Well, shall we?\" \"Yeah!\" \"Once again, the girl you're watching isn't the real me.\" \"It's a girl that was made up for you and for our love.\" \"You like my honesty.\" \"That's what you say but it's an illusion.\" \"Deceiving others is a way of life.\" \"It's a woman's romance.\" \"I love you more than anyone.\" \"I want to show you a wonderful dream.\" \"I love you so much.\" \"I'm going to keep deceiving you.\" \"I'll make you happier than any other guy in the world.\" \"I accidentally find Pixy Misa's secret base and I head for the place right away!\" \"Misa, I won't let you get away with anything bad anymore!\" \"Pretty Sammy finally strikes seriously!\" \"Coming next:\" \"The Island of Love-love Monsters.\" \"Count on Sammy when it comes to magic incidents!\""], ["\"So are you and Syd really doing it?\" \"Yes, we are.\" \"And you actually like it?\" \"Yes.\" \"Yeah, so what, you just...\" \"you just changed?\" \"I don't know.\" \"I just... crossed a line that I guess I always had there for some reason.\" \"I don't know why.\" \"Also, I've realized I just...\" \"I can't have real emotional intimacy with somebody who hasn't suffered under patriarchy.\" \" [scoff]\" \" No, I'm serious.\" \"Oh, God.\" \"All these years it's just been...\" \"You're a lesbian because I don't give two fucks about patriarchy.\" \"Do you think it matters who you think about when you come?\" \"Like, if you think about men, you're straight, and if you think about women, you're gay.\" \"No.\" \"No?\" \"Mm-mm.\" \"I think people think about all kinds of things.\" \"You know who's been clogging up my mindscape lately?\" \"Who?\" \"Mr. Irons and his paddle.\" \"Oh, God.\" \"You fuck Mr. Irons in your fantasy?\" \"No, no.\" \"He's just there.\" \"He's watching me, telling me what to do.\" \"I'm really sorry about that.\" \"[laughing]\" \"I know, right?\" \"Wait.\" \"Your family is driving all the way here just to sign the high school papers?\" \"Uh, they don't really trust the U.S. Postal Service.\" \"What about FedEx?\" \"[chuckle] Okay, Colton, what... what... what's going on?\" \"Okay, so they were cool with me coming out here for a couple of weeks, right, to meet Rita and to meet you, but, you know, they, like we talked about, you know, I, you know,\" \"kind of decided that I want to stay for longer, and when I was talking to them on the phone the other day, maybe, I don't know,\" \"I guess they heard something in my voice, but, you know, they... now they want to meet both of you, you know, and... and I'm really sorry because I know I should have told you earlier,\" \"and I have that.\" \"That's my bad...\" \" Okay.\" \" ...but, you know, it's...\" \" Okay.\" \"It's good.\" \" ...this all happened so fast.\" \"Everything's going to be fine, so you can chill.\" \"Raquel:\" \"Okay, so, uh... who... who are we meeting, Mom and Dad?\" \"Well, yeah, Pappy, but I guess you can call him Pastor Gene\" \" or just Gene, you know.\" \" Okay.\" \"And I call Mama \"Mama,\"\" \"but you can call her Blossie,\" \" Okay.\" \" ...and, you know, my sister Becky and my brother Cliff are also going to be here.\" \"Okay.\" \"All right.\" \"Okay.\" \"Relax.\" \"Relax.\" \"And if it's okay with you guys,\" \"Pappy might need to hook up the RV to your septic.\" \"Super.\" \"So I wanted to just say up front that the fact that you won these sessions in an auction is a little bit of a problem.\" \"What?\" \"I mean, I don't...\" \"Sorry.\" \"Let me try again.\" \"So I think there's something in all of us, and this is what I said in my book, um, that's a spark, and the spark inside of us is like a boom!\" \"And the boom cries out for us and starts off \"I need help.\" \"I need help.\" \"\"I need to make a change.\" \"\"I need to make a change.\" \"[louder] I need to make a change,\"\" \"until it gets real big.\" \"And for you, for all intensive purposes, your spark was just handed to you at a school gala, so you didn't choose it.\" \"That's not my fault.\" \"It's not \"intensive purposes.\"\" \"Did you say \"intensive purposes\"?\" \"It's \"Intents and purposes.\"\" \" That's not true.\" \" I...\" \"Well, that you said it or...\" \"Are you pretty controlling?\" \"People say you're pretty controlling?\" \"No, I'm not controlling.\" \"I mean, I'm just honest, but...\" \"I mean, I maybe was a little controlling, but I'm not.\" \"I mean, I used to be.\" \"I used to have, you know, the perfect house and the perfect husband and these little kids' aluminum Bento boxes, you know, like, for lunches.\" \"And, I mean, I liked to compartmentalize, but I don't anymore, and I'm very...\" \"I'm out there.\" \"I'm living...\" \"I mean, it's a mess.\" \"Everything's blowing up everywhere.\" \"You know what it sounds like to me is a messy life is what we call clutter.\" \"And it sounds like, to me, Sadie, that there's just so much clutter.\" \"Sarah, but that's okay.\" \"But I just want to say something.\" \"I don't really get the thing back to the whole, like, winning the thing.\" \"You...\" \"You donated them.\" \"Now, that sounds hostile to me, so I feel like you are putting up a... a wall made of bricks and cement and all kinds of things so you can't get through to me and I can't get through to you.\" \"And by the end of our sessions together, we're going to knock down that wall, and we're going to see each other, and you're going to feel better.\" \"Oh, my goddess, oh, my goddess, oh, my goddess.\" \" Look, look, look, look.\" \" And you've never seen this?\" \"No, no.\" \"I just sent all my old photographs to this kookaburra artist, and she sent me back these.\" \" Oh, my God.\" \" [gasp]\" \"They regendered the whole photo.\" \"Oh, my God, is this Baby Davina?\" \"Look at that.\" \" Look at that face.\" \" Oh, so cute.\" \"Look at her.\" \"She's pretty.\" \"They changed my old striped shirt into a pinafore.\" \" Look at me.\" \" Look at my hair.\" \"Look at this.\" \"Let me see your teeth.\" \"They're not the same anymore.\" \"What's wrong with you?\" \"What are these?\" \"Other pictures, too.\" \"[gasp] Is that you?\" \"That's me.\" \"I'm happier now than I was back then.\" \" I'm going to do this.\" \" Oh, my God.\" \" Can I take one of these?\" \" Yeah.\" \"Hello.\" \"Hi.\" \"Hi.\" \"Uh, I'm sorry if this is weird, but I think you should be wearing this when his parents get here.\" \"What is that?\" \"It's just so that, you know, we present the right optics in this situazione.\" \"[sigh]\" \"Optics?\" \"Yeah.\" \"Um, you know, because look, hey, this thing is not worthy of you, but it is, uh, a family heirloom, so I'm ye old Jew on my Dad's side...\" \"That's the wrong finger.\" \"Okay, and... [chuckles] sorry.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"Is this your proposal to me?\" \"No.\" \"No, no.\" \"No, no.\" \"Hell, no.\" \"Okay.\" \"Um, this is, um, not... it's just a thing.\" \"It's a thing that goes on the finger while the people are here.\" \"I'm not putting it on my finger.\" \" No?\" \" Mm-mm.\" \"Okay.\" \"Listen.\" \"You should know, uh, that I already talked to the ring guy.\" \"We're mid-design on the real dealio, and I just...\" \"Look, this is just a temporary thing because these are conservative people.\" \"Why would you even care what they possibly think of us?\" \"We are good people.\" \"You know what I'm s...\" \"Like, now we're going to walk in like... feeling like we're liars?\" \"They're fucking...\" \"We are good people.\" \"We're not...\" \"We haven't done anything wrong.\" \"He's...\" \"He is lucky that he gets to stay here with us.\" \"Okay, I think you mean that we're lucky to have him.\" \"You ask me to put that on...\" \"Colton:\" \"Hey, they're here!\" \"Please, please, please, please, please.\" \"Oh, my God.\" \"Just...\" \"Back, back, back, back.\" \"Ho!\" \" Colton!\" \" Hey!\" \"Josh:\" \"Oh, my God.\" \"Wow.\" \"How are you?\" \"Whoa!\" \"There he is.\" \"There's my baby.\" \"Oh, so thin.\" \"You're skin and bones.\" \"My diet's a little different.\" \"Kind of a sweet tea.\" \"Ah.\" \"Hello, there, young man.\" \" It's good to see you.\" \" Good to see you, too.\" \"Hey, these guys, can I take them to the pool?\" \"Of course.\" \"Now don't run, and behave now.\" \" Go, go, go.\" \" Watch your step.\" \" Hi.\" \" Hi.\" \"I'm Josh Pfefferman.\" \"This is my fianc\u00e9e Raquel.\" \"Blessing to meet you.\" \"I have imagined this moment for so long.\" \"You know, Colton has obsessed his whole life\" \" about finding who his mom...\" \" Really?\" \" Careful of the step.\" \" Of course.\" \"There's levels here, Gene.\" \"You're, uh, you're all grown up, I see.\" \" Uh...\" \" In my mind,\" \"I still see that picture of you as a young boy.\" \"Oh, isn't that the truth?\" \"Oh, you guys have seen pictures of me?\" \"Oh, yes.\" \"Yes, we have.\" \"Syd:\" \"Full moon ritual tonight.\" \"Okay, the hosts:\" \"Leslie Mackinaw herself and her so-called land partner Zelda, who is also the White Witch of Echo Park.\" \"Ali:\" \"Uh-huh.\" \"Are you listening?\" \" Oh, yeah.\" \" Okay.\" \"I am very deep in this Facebook page.\" \"It is amazing.\" \"I'm listening.\" \"Oh, yeah.\" \"Oh, geez.\" \"Okay.\" \"I love you.\" \"Put it away.\" \"You're violating the code, which is that it is in the dark only.\" \"Not...\" \"Not for...\" \"Not meant for flossing?\" \"Please.\" \"Honestly.\" \"Why have you been hiding this from me?\" \"Because it's a nighttime only thing.\" \"That's never seen the light of day.\" \"It's very uncomfortable.\" \" I'm never taking it off.\" \" I'm comfortable...\" \"I'm wearing it to the full moon ritual.\" \"Look. \"Please bring your own ritual tools.\"\" \" Okay, that's...\" \" \"Knives, wands, chalices.\"\" \"That's not a ritual tool.\" \"Please, will you please stop touching me?\" \"Uhh!\" \"Well, I would love to go.\" \"We're going.\" \" But...\" \" Yeah?\" \"But what if I say something or do something stupid and then she doesn't let me into her program?\" \"Do you think she remembers you?\" \"I mean, it's likely.\" \"Okay.\" \"So we go.\" \"We, like, sneak around,\" \"I think be all sketchy in the background, kind of anonymous, behind the \"womyn\": wom-y-en.\" \"If we go, I think we have to say hi.\" \"Just, like, twiddle casually.\" \" Oh, hey.\" \" Oh, hey.\" \"Going to do everything with this now, so...\" \" Yeah, me, too.\" \" I'm going to do the New York Times crossword puzzle with a dick on.\" \"Ooh.\" \"I'm going to make tea with a dick on...\" \"English breakfast.\" \"I'm going to throw pebbles in a pond with a dick on.\" \"Skipping rocks with a dick on?\" \"Yeah, I'd like to have some feelings and watch the rain with a dick on.\" \"[laughter, chatter]\" \"Oh, they're having fun.\" \"I hear you got coyote out here.\" \" Mm.\" \" You allowed to hunt?\" \"Uh, I'm pretty sure it's hard to get a firearm in L.A.\" \"Oh, that's not true.\" \"I actually have no idea.\" \"See, that's Gene.\" \"He's a one-track hunting mind everywhere we go.\" \"Oh, cool.\" \"Are you a hunter?\" \" Mm-hmm.\" \" Yes, I am.\" \" That's nice.\" \" How about yourself?\" \" Raquel:\" \"Lemonade?\" \" Hi.\" \"Hello.\" \"Josh:\" \"Hi.\" \" Oh, hi.\" \" Does she know that...\" \"Whose, uh, mobile home is that out there?\" \" Josh:\" \"Hey.\" \"Hi.\" \" Hello.\" \"Uh, hi.\" \"This is Colton's family.\" \"Maura:\" \"Hi.\" \"I'm Pastor Gene.\" \"You must be Colton's meemaw.\" \"Yes, exactly.\" \"It's a pleasure to meet you.\" \"Pleasure to meet you, sir.\" \"Hello, I'm Blossie.\" \"I'm Colton's mama.\" \"Hi.\" \"Pleasure to meet you.\" \"Uh, welcome.\" \"You taken care of?\" \"Gene:\" \"Yes.\" \"Everything's wonderful.\" \"Make yourself at home.\" \"We're having snacks.\" \"Did you know where Tammy kept our family keepsakes?\" \"I'm looking for the photo albums.\" \"I don't know.\" \"She moved everything, so good luck.\" \"Uh, how long are you going to be here?\" \" As long as it takes.\" \" Okay.\" \"So, uh, everybody good?\" \" Mm-hmm.\" \" Just fine.\" \" Good.\" \" You going to eat?\" \" Yeah.\" \"Yeah.\" \" Okay.\" \"Cool.\" \"All right.\" \"Hey.\" \"Hi, pretty lady.\" \"How are you?\" \"Fine.\" \"Thank you.\" \" Super moped.\" \" Oh, thanks.\" \"Thank you so much.\" \"I'm sorry to meet here.\" \"It was, like, an emergency and...\" \"I gathered as much.\" \"I let the certificate expire, and I just really appreciate it.\" \"Are we at a business meeting?\" \" I'm sorry.\" \" Do you start all drug deals in parking lots with a handshake?\" \"Heh heh heh.\" \"Here you go.\" \"Now, this is two joints, okay?\" \" Mm-hmm.\" \" You've got to come in and let me write you another prescription.\" \"This is very illegal.\" \"I'm just doing this because you're Josh's hot sister.\" \"Is this the, um...\" \"I was hoping maybe...\" \"I forgot to ask if I could have the...\" \"You are acting like a straight-up junkie right now.\" \"The indica?\" \"That was the one that I...\" \" Yes, it is.\" \" Oh, thank you.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Of course.\" \"Oh, my God, that smells so good.\" \" Yeah.\" \" I really appreciate this.\" \"That's going to do you right.\" \"Just, like, go home, put on some music... some, like, Sade, something like that.\" \"How much do I owe you?\" \"Don't worry about it.\" \"I got it.\" \" Seriously?\" \" Yeah.\" \"It's for Josh.\" \"Josh hooks me up constantly, so I'm happy to hook his sister up.\" \"I really appreciate it.\" \" Don't worry about it.\" \" Thank you so much.\" \" You can owe me one.\" \" Yeah.\" \"Hey.\" \"Sorry.\" \"Uh, you want to go out sometime?\" \"You want to get a drink or something?\" \"No.\" \"Thank you, though.\" \"Is that 'cause you're gay?\" \"What?\" \"Josh said something about you being gay now.\" \"Is that why you don't want to get the drink?\" \"We could just get it as friends.\" \"You could tell me about being gay.\" \"I mean, how do you even know, really, if you're gay?\" \"I don't know.\" \"When you are in bed at night, are you thinking about getting your face in that puss, or are you thinking about that sweet-sweet D?\" \"I know for me,\" \"I'm thinking about that puss.\" \"Give me a call if you need any help figuring it out.\" \"Okay.\" \"Thanks again.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Remember, Sade.\" \"[laughing]\" \"Or some, like, roots reggae.\" \"[laughing] Got it.\" \"You know, actually, I'd have to say that our congregation is mid-sized.\" \" Yeah.\" \" It ebbs and flows as all things do, but...\" \" Raquel:\" \"Hmm.\" \" Josh:\" \"Huh.\" \"we do get a lot of support from our weekly broadcast.\" \"Do you have a program?\" \"TV show.\" \"Yes, indeed I do, and sometimes I...\" \"I even get recognized.\" \" Yes, it's true.\" \" People approach me at the Sizzler,\" \" what have you.\" \" Yes.\" \"Uh, Raquel's a rabbi.\" \"Yes, but I do not have a TV show.\" \"You know, we love the Jewish people.\" \"Have the utmost respect for them.\" \"Good.\" \"Jesus was a Jew.\" \"He was.\" \"We're Jewish.\" \"Oh.\" \"All of you are Jewish?\" \" Yeah.\" \" Oh.\" \"Colton's Jewish.\" \"Well, some Reform people would say he's Jewish.\" \"[laughing]\" \"No, he isn't, no.\" \"You're not, sweetie.\" \" Colton:\" \"Uh...\" \" No, you're not.\" \"Uh, I didn't even...\" \"I haven't even showed you my room yet.\" \"Your room?\" \"Yes.\" \"What a good idea.\" \" Yeah.\" \" Yeah, uh, let's do the tour.\" \"I'd love to see my baby's room.\" \"Go ahead.\" \"I'll just check on the kids.\" \" Are we going up?\" \" Okay.\" \"Cool.\" \"Are we going upstairs here?\" \" Yeah, let's, uh...\" \" Actually, no.\" \"I'm going to be in this room when the baby comes.\" \"You want to see this one first?\" \"The baby?\" \"What baby?\" \"Uh, we're...\" \"Josh and Raquel are having a baby.\" \"Very early on.\" \"That's so much responsibility.\" \"Are you going to have time for college applications?\" \"I mean, because I'm telling you the SATs alone nearly put me under.\" \"[chatter]\" \"Well, Rita's going to help.\" \"Rita will be a part of this?\" \"It's going to be a whole village.\" \"You talked to Rita about this?\" \"You don't have a problem with Rita, do you?\" \"Uh, no, no.\" \"I just...\" \"She's a complicated person.\" \"We don't have a problem, though.\" \"Yeah, she'll be involved.\" \"Well, we all have complications in our life.\" \"Right now I would like to see this room downstairs.\" \"Okay.\" \"Well, that's the basement.\" \"We could do that first, but Colton's room's up here.\" \" We could do this.\" \" Congratulations.\" \"You're going to have a baby.\" \"Oh.\" \"Yeah, yeah.\" \"We're having a baby.\" \"I hope you don't make the same mistake as last time.\" \"Um, wh-what are you talking about?\" \"I'm talking about Colton.\" \"I'm talking about Rita.\" \"Now a new baby.\" \"You left that baby.\" \"You abandoned him.\" \"I didn't...\" \"I didn't abandon Colton.\" \" Well, sure...\" \" I...\" \"I didn't know about Colton until a few months ago.\" \"Josh, don't lie to me.\" \"I can't believe that.\" \"I'm telling you I literally had no idea.\" \"I mean, she... she ran away and had the baby, like, I...\" \"She didn't tell anybody.\" \"I find this very hard to believe.\" \"What's your deal, man?\" \"Why are you, like, coming after me?\" \"I'm telling you I literally had no idea.\" \"Nobody knew.\" \" I...\" \" Excuse me.\" \"We knew.\" \"And I want to be very clear with you.\" \"No one abandoned anyone.\" \"What we did do is make a sizable contribution to your church to help that poor girl and pay her medical bills.\" \"[door closes]\" \"They fucking knew?\" \"Those...\" \"Do you have any idea how different my life would be?\" \"Everything would be different.\" \" If what, honey?\" \" If they hadn't lied.\" \"No, honey, everything in your life would have been different if Rita hadn't molested you.\" \"Okay.\" \"I'm so sick of everybody saying that shit.\" \" Because that is...\" \" Raquel...\" \" [knock on door]\" \" I loved her.\" \"Okay?\" \" Colton:\" \"Hey, guys...\" \" Give us five minutes!\" \"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.\" \"Do not yell at him.\" \"Hey, hey.\" \"Get in, get in, get in.\" \"Sorry, Colton.\" \"There's...\" \"Uhh.\" \"Get in.\" \"Get in here.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"Uh...\" \"I'm really sorry, but they're packing up the RV, and they said they can make space for me if you want.\" \"This is...\" \"This is fucking insane right now.\" \"Raquel:\" \"It is...\" \"Do you...\" \"Do you want to go with them?\" \"Do you want me to go?\" \"I just want to do what's right.\" \"I want to do what's best for you.\" \"What...\" \"You're a grown man.\" \"What do you want?\" \"I...\" \"I think you guys got a really good thing going on with the baby, and, Raquel, I'm...\" \"I'm really sorry.\" \"Raquel, uh...\" \"I don't know, man.\" \"I don't...\" \"I don't know.\" \"I...\" \"I...\" \"I'm just...\" \"I'm going to give you some space, man.\" \"I...\" \"I'm really sorry.\" \"Okay.\" \"[sigh]\" \"What do I do?\" \"What am I supposed to do?\" \"I...\" \"This...\" \"Uh...\" \"This feels really bad.\" \"I'm...\" \"I'm really stressed out.\" \"I just know that that... those feelings... can't be good for a baby.\" \" [chatter] - ** [drums]\" \"To those who came before, wherever they may be.\" \" Hear, hear.\" \" Hear, hear.\" \" That's her.\" \" Which one?\" \"She's the one holding court, the one who you think she is.\" \"Who is that girl?\" \"Is that her girlfriend or her daughter?\" \"I don't know.\" \" She's, like, 16.\" \" She's...\" \"Hey.\" \"Did you go out with Sailor?\" \"Uh, yeah.\" \"Why?\" \"I'm her ex.\" \"Right.\" \"Yeah, of course.\" \"No, I...\" \"Yeah.\" \"I recognize you.\" \"God, everybody used to fuck everybody else, or else they're thinking about it, or it's going to happen pretty soon.\" \" What, now?\" \" That's so true.\" \"Something like that.\" \"I met you at UCLA.\" \"You're Mort Pfefferman's kid.\" \"Maura.\" \"But yeah.\" \"Are you going to come study with me, the big bad dyke?\" \"Uh, I...\" \"I hope so, yes.\" \"I'm...\" \"I'm Ali.\" \"This is my girlfriend Syd.\" \" Hey.\" \" This is Bella.\" \"Uh, what are you teaching right now, Leslie?\" \"Uh, well, I don't really teach.\" \"I like to talk about things I care about to people who are ready.\" \"Well, I'm ready.\" \"Shelly:\" \"Hon?\" \"Dolly?\" \"Hi.\" \"Oh, good.\" \"I was worried.\" \"[sniffle]\" \"What's the matter?\" \"What's the matter?\" \"Um, Josh knows everything.\" \"He knows about...\" \"He knows about Rita.\" \"He knows about the money.\" \" Oh, my God.\" \" Yeah.\" \" What did you say?\" \" Everything.\" \"It just came out.\" \"Are you okay?\" \"[sigh] I feel horrible.\" \"You have nothing to feel horrible about.\" \"Please.\" \"Please, we were protecting our boy, our Joshie.\" \"And...\" \"And look at him now.\" \"He's with a rabbi, for Christ's sake.\" \"Come on, I'll make you a cup of coffee.\" \"We'll get a little schnapps.\" \"Maybe a little schnapps.\" \"Come on.\" \" Hey, hon.\" \" Yeah.\" \"I'm going to go.\" \"What?\" \"You can't go.\" \"You just got here.\" \"What do you mean?\" \"We have to talk.\" \"You can't go.\" \"This doesn't work, and you know that.\" \"We're broken.\" \"How dare you do this to me?\" \"Twice in my lifetime,\" \"I have to put up with you deciding that I'm not good enough.\" \"It's not about that.\" \"It's not about you're not good enough.\" \"You have nowhere to go.\" \"I'll be fine.\" \"I'm good.\" \"I'm going to pack.\" \"** [drum beat]\" \"The hunter's moon is the last moon in the light of the year before we cross over.\" \"Then we honor the things that we have hunted, the things that we have killed but have given us life.\" \"That is so violent, but it's ours.\" \"Force and power for each of us.\" \"Mm.\" \"Safe trip.\" \"You smell so good.\" \"Oh, thank you.\" \"It's shampoo.\" \"Now you have good luck with that new little one.\" \"It's going to be so much light into your life.\" \" Mm.\" \" So much light.\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"Bye, Raquel.\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* And He *\" \"Both: * And He shall lift you up *\" \"* Higher and higher * [harmony] * And He shall lift you up *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"One last check.\" \"I just, uh, want to make sure this... is the way you want?\" \"* And He shall lift you up *\" \"* Higher and higher *\" \"If you want me to stay, just...\" \" say so.\" \" * ...\" \"lift you up *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* And He shall lift you up *\" \"* Higher and higher *\" \"* And He shall lift you up *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \" [engine starts] - * And He *\" \"* And He shall lift you up *\" \"* Higher and higher * [harmony] * And He shall lift you up *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"* And He shall lift you up *\" \" [horn honking] - * Higher and higher * [harmony] * And He shall lift you up *\" \"Hello!\" \"Can someone open the front gate, please?\" \"* Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord *\" \"Hello!\" \"Could someone please help me and open the front gate, please?\" \"Please help me!\" \"[honk]\" \"* Higher and higher * [harmony] * And He shall lift you up *\" \"Can someone open the fucking front gate?\" \"[honk honk]\" \"So sorry, Mrs. P!\" \" [honk]\" \" Open it!\""], ["\"( applause )\" \"( applause dies down )\" \"( strikes organ chord )\" \"( laughter )\" \"AND NOW...\" \"IT'S... ( Sousa's \"Liberty Bell March\" playing )\" \"MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUSES.\" \"( music ends with fart )\" \"Announcer:\" \"THE ADVENTURES OF BIGGLES.\" \"PART ONE: \"BIGGLES DICTATESA LETTER. \"\" \"MISS BLADDER, TAKE A LETTER.\" \"YES, SENOR BIGGLES.\" \"DON'T CALL ME \"SENOR\"!\" \"OR GROUP CAPTAIN BIGGLES\" \"OR MARY BIGGLES IF I'M DRESSED AS MY WIFE\" \"BUT NEVER SENOR!\" \"SORRY.\" \"I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO SPAIN.\" \"YOU WENT TO IBIZA LAST YEAR.\" \"THAT'S STILL NO GROUNDS FOR CALLING ME SENOR\" \"OR \"DON BEEG-LES,\" FOR THAT MATTER.\" \"( laughter )\" \"RIGHT.\" \"DEAR KING HAAKON...\" \"\"OF NORWAY,\" IS THAT?\" \"JUST PUT DOWN WHAT I SAY.\" \"DO I PUT THAT DOWN?\" \"COURSE YOU DON'T PUT THAT DOWN!\" \"WELL, WHAT ABOUT THAT?\" \"LOOK!\" \"DON'T PUT THAT DOWN.\" \"JUST PUT DOWN...\" \"WAIT A MO, WAIT A MO.\" \"NOW, WHEN I'VE GOT THESE ANTLERS ON...\" \"WHEN I'VE GOT THESE ANTLERS ON\" \"I AM DICTATING\" \"AND WHEN I TAKE THEM OFF, I'M NOT DICTATING.\" \"( typing ) \"I'M NOT DICTATING.\"\" \"WHAT?\" \"READ THAT BACK.\" \"\"DEAR KING HAAKON, I'M NOT DICTATING.\" \"WHAT?\"\" \"NO, NO, NO, NO, YOU LOOPY BROTHEL INMATE!\" \"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.\" \"I'M NOT A COURTESAN.\" \"OH, OH, COURTESAN-- OH, AREN'T WE GRAND?\" \"HARLOT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR US, EH?\" \"PARAMOUR, CONCUBINE, FILLE DE JOIE\" \"THAT'S WHAT WE ARE NOT.\" \"WELL, LISTEN TO ME, MY FINE FELLOW\" \"YOU ARE A BIT OF TAIL\" \"THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.\" \"I AM NOT, YOU DEMENTED FICTIONAL CHARACTER.\" \"ALGY SAYS YOU ARE.\" \"HE SAYS YOU'RE NO BETTER THAN YOU SHOULD BE.\" \"AND HOW WOULD HE KNOW?\" \"AND JUST WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?\" \"ARE YOU CALLING\" \"MY OLD FICTIONAL COMRADE-IN-ARMS A FAIRY?\" \"FAIRY!\" \"POOF'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ALGY, IS IT?\" \"HE'S GOT TO BE A BLEEDIN' FAIRY.\" \"MINCING OLD R.A.F. QUEEN.\" \"ALGY, I HAVE TO SEE YOU.\" \"Man ( over intercom ):\" \"Righto.\" \"WHAT HO, EVERYONE.\" \"ARE YOU GAY?\" \"I SHOULD BALLY WELL SAY SO, OLD FRUIT.\" \"( laughter )\" \"UGH!\" \"DEAR KING HAAKON...\" \"OH.\" \"DEAR KING HAAKON\" \"JUST A LINE TO THANK YOU FOR THE EELS.\" \"MARY THOUGHT THEY WERE REALLY SCRUMMY, COMMA\" \"SO DID I, FULL STOP.\" \"I'VE JUST HEARD THAT ALGY WAS A POOF, EXCLAMATION MARK.\" \"WHAT WOULD CAPTAIN W.E. JOHNS HAVE SAID, QUESTION MARK.\" \"SORRY TO MENCH, BUT IF YOU'VE FINISHED WITH THE LAWN EDGER\" \"COULD YOU POP IT IN THE POST?\" \"LOVE, BIGGLES, ALGY DECEASED, AND GINGER.\" \"GINGER?\" \"WHAT?\" \"RHYMING SLANG-- GINGER BEER.\" \"OH.\" \"GINGER.\" \"Ginger ( over intercom ):\" \"hello, sweetie.\" \"I HAVE TO SEE YOU.\" \"( laughter )\" \"YES, BIGGLES?\" \"ARE YOU A POOF?\" \"I SHOULD SAY NOT!\" \"THANK GOD FOR THAT.\" \"GOOD LAD, STOUT FELLOW, SALT OF THE EARTH, BACKBONE OF ENGLAND.\" \"FUNNY, HE LOOKS LIKE A POOF.\" \"DEAR PRINCESS MARGARET...\" \"HELLO.\" \"GET BACK IN THE CUPBOARD, YOU PANTOMIMETIC ROYAL PERSON!\" \"LEMON CURRY?\" \"DEAR REAL PRINCESS MARGARET\" \"THANK YOU FOR THE EELS, FULL STOP.\" \"THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS\" \"AND UNMISTAKABLY REGAL, FULL STOP.\" \"SORRY TO MENCH, BUT IF YOU'VE FINISHED WITH THE HAIRDRYER\" \"COULD YOU POP IT IN THE POST?\" \"YOURS FICTIONALLY, BIGGLES.\" \"OH, P.S.\" \" SEE YOU AT THE SAXE- COBURGS' CANASTA EVENING.\" \"THAT SHOULD PUZZLE HER.\" \"SI, SENOR BEEG-LES.\" \"SILENCE, NAUGHTY LADY OF THE NIGHT!\" \"NEXT WEEK, PART TWO:\" \"\"BIGGLES FLIES UNDONE. \"\" \"( machine guns rattle )\" \"( squeals )\" \"UGH!\" \"( bleats )\" \"( sproing )\" \"( tires screeching )\" \"( autos crashing )\" \"MEANWHILE, NOT VERY FAR AWA Y...\" \"Man:\" \"CLIMBING\" \" THE WORLD'S LONELIEST SPORT\" \"WHERE HARDSHIP AND PHILOSOPHY GO HAND IN GLOVE.\" \"AND HERE, ANOTHER BRITISH EXPEDITION ATTEMPTING TO BE\" \"THE FIRST MAN TO SUCCESSFULLY CLIMB\" \"THE NORTH FACE OF THE UXBRIDGE ROAD.\" \"( laughter )\" \"THIS FOUR-MAN ROPE HAS BEEN CLIMBING TREMENDOUSLY.\" \"BBC CAMERAS WERE THERE TO FILM EVERY INCH.\" \"Man 2:\" \"THE MAJOR ASSAULT ON THE UXBRIDGE ROAD HAS BEEN GOING ON\" \"FOR ABOUT THREE WEEKS\" \"REALLY EVER SINCE THEY ESTABLISHED BASE CAMP\" \"HERE AT THE JUNCTION OF WILLESDEN ROAD.\" \"FROM THERE THEY CLIMBED STEADILY TO ESTABLISH CAMP TWO\" \"OUTSIDE LEWIS'S, AND IT'S TAKEN THEM ANOTHER THREE DAYS\" \"TO ESTABLISH CAMP THREE HERE OUTSIDE THE POST OFFICE.\" \"WELL, THEY'VE SPENT A GOOD NIGHT IN THERE LAST NIGHT\" \"IN PREPARATION FOR THE FINAL ASSAULT TODAY.\" \"THE LEADER OF THE EXPEDITION IS 29-YEAR-OLD BERT TAGG\" \"A LOCAL HEADMASTER AND MOTHER OF THREE.\" \"BERT, HOW'S IT GOING?\" \"IT'S A BIT GRIPPING, IS THIS, CHRIS.\" \"I'VE GOT TO TRY AND REACH THAT BUS STOP\" \"IN AN HOUR OR SO\" \"AND I'M DOING IT BY...\" \"DAMN...\" \"I'M DOING IT BY LAYBACK UP THIS GUTTER\" \"SO I'M KIND OF GUTTERING\" \"AND LAYING BACK AT THE SAME TIME\" \"AND PHILOSOPHIZING.\" \"UH, BERT, SOME PEOPLE SAY THIS IS CRAZY.\" \"AYE, WELL, THEY SAID CRIPPEN WAS CRAZY, DIDN'T THEY?\" \"WELL, CRIPPEN WAS CRAZY.\" \"OH, WELL, THERE YOU ARE, THEN.\" \"EH, JOHN?\" \"I'M SENDING YOU DOWN\" \"THIS CARABINER ON WHITE.\" \"LEMON CURRY?\" \"NOW, YOU SEE, HE'S PUTTING IN A PEG DOWN THERE\" \"BECAUSE I'M QUITE A WAY UP NOW\" \"AND IF I COME UNSTUCK HERE\" \"I GO DOWN QUITE A LONG WAY.\" \"( chuckles )\" \"SUCH QUIET COURAGE IS TYPICAL\" \"OF THE WAY THESE BRAVE CHAPS SHRUG OFF DANGER.\" \"LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU'VE GOT TO ADMIRE\" \"THE SKILL THAT GOES INTO IT.\" \"( screams )\" \"( men screaming )\" \"( laughter )\" \"( gale winds roaring )\" \"OH, IT'S TERRIBLE UP ON DECK.\" \"UP ON DECK?\" \"YEAH, ON DECK IT'S DIABOLICAL WEATHER.\" \"UH, WHAT DECK, DEAR?\" \"THE DECK\" \" THE DECK OF THE LIFEBOAT.\" \"THIS ISN'T A LIFEBOAT, DEAR.\" \"THIS IS 24 PARKER STREET.\" \"THIS IS THE NEWHAVEN LIFEBOAT.\" \"NO, IT'S NOT, DEAR.\" \"( laughter )\" \"( wind roars )\" \"( birds chirping, wind is still )\" \"( door silences wind )\" \"YOU'RE RIGHT.\" \"THIS ISN'T A LIFEBOAT AT ALL.\" \"NO, I WOULDN'T LIVE HERE IF IT WAS.\" \"DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN FOR A MINUTE AND COLLECT MY WITS?\" \"NO, YOU DO THAT.\" \"I'LL MAKE A NICE CUP OF TEA.\" \"THANKS VERY MUCH.\" \"( wind roars )\" \"OOH, IT'S A WILD NIGHT UP TOP.\" \"YOUR TURN ON DECK SOON, CHARLIE.\" \"IT'S NOT A LIFEBOAT, FRANK.\" \"WHAT?\" \"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?\" \"IT'S NOT A LIFEBOAT;\" \"IT'S THIS LADY'S HOUSE.\" \"( wind roars )\" \"( wind is still, birds chirping )\" \"CAPTAIN!\" \"CAPTAIN, AHOY THERE!\" \"Frank:\" \"AHOY THERE!\" \"AHOY THERE!\" \"AHOY THERE!\" \"CAPTAIN!\" \"WHO'S THAT SHOUTING?\" \"THERE'S A MAN OUTSIDE NUMBER 24.\" \"TRY IT ON THE FIVE-INCH, GLADYS.\" \"I CANT, I'VE GOT THAT FIXED ON THE BAILEYS AT NUMBER 13.\" \"THEIR NEW LODGER MOVES IN TODAY.\" \"ALL RIGHT, HOLD 13 ON THE FIVE-INCH\" \"AND TRANSFER THE CARTWRIGHTS TO THE DIGITAL SCANNER.\" \"OH, OKAY.\" \"HOLD ON!\" \"MRS. PETTIGREW'S COMING BACK FROM THE DOCTOR'S.\" \"OOH, BRING HER UP ON TWO.\" \"( laughter )\" \"WHAT'S THE DURATION RATING ON THE OSCILLATOR?\" \"48.47.\" \"WELL, THAT'S A LONG TIME\" \"FOR SOMEONE WHO'S JUST HAD A ROUTINE CHECKUP.\" \"YES, HER PULSE RATE'S 146.\" \"OOH, ZOOM IN ON THE 16-MIL AND HOLD HER, ENID.\" \"ROGER, GLADYS.\" \"I'LL TRY AND GET HER ON THE 12-INCH.\" \"MOVE THE CURTAIN, ENID.\" \"THANK YOU, LOVE.\" \"YES, IT'S ONE OF THOSE SELF-RIGHTING MODELS.\" \"NEWHAVEN WAS ABOUT THE FIRST PLACE\" \"IN THE COUNTRY TO GET ONE.\" \"WHAT'S THE DISPLACEMENT\" \"ON ONE OF THEM JOBS, THEN?\" \"OH, ABOUT 140, 150...\" \"WHO'S FOR FRUIT CAKE?\" \"Men:\" \"OH, YES, PLEASE.\" \"YES?\" \"RIGHT, MACAROONS...\" \"THAT'S TWO DOZEN FRUIT CAKES, HALF A DOZEN MACAROONS.\" \"WON'T BE A JIFFY, THEN.\" \"( gale winds roaring )\" \"YOO-HOO!\" \"MRS. EDWARDS!\" \"HELLO.\" \"HELLO, LOVE.\" \"I WANT TWO DOZEN FRUIT CAKES\" \"AND HALF A DOZEN MACAROONS.\" \"OH, SORRY, LOVE, NO MACAROONS.\" \"HOW ABOUT A NICE VANILLA SPONGE?\" \"YES, THAT'D BE LOVELY.\" \"RIGHTO.\" \"( ship's horn blares )\" \"OOH, THERE'S THAT NICE HERRING TRAWLER\" \"COME FOR THEIR KUP KAKES\" \" EXCUSE ME.\" \"RIGHTO.\" \"HELLO!\" \"CAPTAIN SMITH!\" \"Man:\" \"HELLO!\" \"KUP KAKES TO STARBOARD!\" \"COMING!\" \"HEAD OUT THERE!\" \"IF YOU WANT I'LL GET YOUR THINGS.\" \"OH, YES, THROW 'EM IN.\" \"I'LL PAY YOU\" \"AT THE END OF THE WEEK, THEN, ALL RIGHT?\" \"OKAY, RIGHTO.\" \"ALL RIGHT.\" \"Chorus:\" \"RULE,BRITANNIA...\" \"OOH, IT'S THE ARK ROYAL, DORIS!\" \"HAVE YOU GOT THEIR ROCK BUNS READY?\" \"( ship's horn blares )\" \"HANG ON!\" \"HERE WE ARE, FIVE FOR THEM\" \"AND FIVE FOR H.M.S. EAGLE.\" \"RIGHTO.\" \"( grunting )\" \"YES?\" \"H.M.S. DEFIANT, TWO SET TEAS, PLEASE.\" \"TWO SET TEAS, DORIS.\" \"THAT'LL BE 48 PENCE.\" \"HERE WE ARE, THANK YOU.\" \"BY THE WAY, DO YOU DO LUNCHES?\" \"NO, MORNING COFFEES AND TEAS ONLY.\" \"RIGHTO, DEAR.\" \"( laughter )\" \"( dramatic musicplays )\" \"GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF STORAGEJARS.\" \"ON TONIGHT'S PROGRAM\" \"MIKOS ANTONIARKIS, THE GREEK REBEL LEADER\" \"WHO SEIZED POWER IN ATHENS THIS MORNING\" \"TELLS US WHAT HE KEEPS IN STORAGE JARS.\" \"( dramatic chord blares )\" \"FROM STRIFE-TORN BOLIVIA\" \"RONALD RODGERS REPORTS ON STORAGE JARS THERE.\" \"( dramatic chord blares )\" \"AND CLOSER TO HOME\" \"THE FIRST DRAMATIC PICTURES OF THE MASS JAILBREAK\" \"NEAR THE STORAGE JAR FACTORY IN MAIDENHEAD.\" \"ALL THIS AND MORE IN STORAGEJARS.\" \"THIS IS LA PAZ, BOLIVIA.\" \"BEHIND ME, YOU CAN HEAR THE THUD OF MORTAR\" \"AND THE HIGH-PITCHED WHINE OF ROCKETS\" \"AS THE BATTLE FOR CONTROL OF THIS VOLATILE REPUBLIC SHAKES\" \"THE FOUNDATIONS OF THIS OLD CITY.\" \"BUT WHATEVER THEIR POLITICAL INCLINATIONS\" \"THESE BOLIVIANS ARE ALL KEEN USERS OF STORAGE JARS.\" \"HERE THE LARGEST SIZE IS USED FOR RICE AND FOR MANGOS\" \"A BIG LOCAL CROP.\" \"AND UNLIKE MOST REVOLUTIONARY SOUTH AMERICAN STATES\" \"THEY'VE AN INTERMEDIARY SIZE\" \"IN BETWEEN THE TWO-POUND AND FIVE-POUND JARS.\" \"THIS GIVES THIS POOR-BUT-PROUD PEOPLE\" \"A USEFUL JAR FOR APRICOTS, PLUMS AND STOCK CUBES.\" \"THE SMALLEST JAR, THIS LITTLE TWO-OUNCE JAR\" \"FOR SWEETS, CHOCOLATES AND EVEN LITTLE SHALLOTS.\" \"NO LONGER USED IN THE WEST\" \"IT REMAINS HERE AS AN UNSPOKEN MONUMENT TO THE DAYS\" \"WHEN LA PAZ KNEW BETTER TIMES.\" \"RONALD RODGERS, STORAGEJARS, LA PAZ.\" \"Announcer:\" \"IN LONDON, THE PRIME MINISTER MET OFFICIALS\" \"FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF THE ENVIRONMENT TO DISCUSS... ( mechanical clicking, whirring )\" \"A CASSETTE TAPE RECORDER IS TO REPLACE\" \"THE SALON QUARTETSAND TRIOS\" \"WHICH HA VE PLA YED BESIDE THE POTTED PALMS OFMANCHESTER... ( loud scraping ) ...HAS CAUSED A SWITCH TO TAPED MUSIC\" \"WHICH WILL BE RELA YED OVER A NEW PUBLICADDRESS SYSTEM\" \"REPLACING ONE WHICH RELA YED BOTH MUSICAND THE... ( wooden popping )\" \"STOCK MARKET PRICES HIT RECORD LEVELS\" \"ON THE LAST DA Y OF THE YEAR.\" \"THE FINANCIAL TIMES INDEX ROSE 3.7 POINTS TO 476.5... ( whining )\" \"( pop )\" \"( whining )\" \"( pop ) ...BUT THE BBC HAS REPORTED\" \"THAT RADIO FREE SOLENT, A PIRATE STATION\" \"WAS MARKING THE FIRST BIRTHDA Y OF THE... ( shrewishly ):\" \"HENRY!\" \"TURN THAT TELEVISION OFF!\" \"YOU KNOW IT'S BAD FOR YOUR EYES!\" \"( laughter )\" \"( shuts TV off )\" \"AH, THAT'S BETTER.\" \"HENRY, WILL YOU STOP SITTING AROUND?\" \"YES, DEAR.\" \"Wife:\" \"THERE'S AN ENTIRE TV STUDIO\" \"WAITING AROUND FOR YOU TO DO THE NEXT LINK!\" \"( door opens, closes )\" \"Wife:\" \"AND WHEN YOU'VE GOT THAT DONE\" \"I'VE GONE SOME MORE WORK FOR YOU!\" \"Henry:\" \"YES, DEAR.\" \"Wife:\" \"HENRY, DO YOU HEAR ME?\" \"HENRY!\" \"HENRY, GET A MOVE ON!\" \"NOW, YOU SOD!\" \"THAT'S BETTER.\" \"HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO, HUT-TWO!\" \"( loud canned cheering )\" \"HELLO, I'M THE GOOD FAIRY FROM PROGRAM CONTROL\" \"WHERE WE'RE ALL GRATEFUL FOR YOUR WORK ON THIS LINK\" \"SO MUCH SO THAT I'M HERE TO RELEASE YOU\" \"FROM THE EVIL SPELL YOU'VE BEEN UNDER.\" \"HUH?\" \"( smooches )\" \"HMM, WELL, IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK THE FIRST TIME.\" \"( smooching )\" \"( croaks )\" \"( croaking ):\" \"THANK YOU, THANK YOU.\" \"NO, NO NEED TO.\" \"YOU SEE, IT'S ALL IN A DAY'S WORK FOR PROGRAM CONTROL.\" \"( romantic musicplays )\" \"HELLO, THE SHOW SO FAR...\" \"WELL, IT ALL STARTED WITH THE ORGANIST LOSING HIS CLOTHES\" \"AS HE SAT DOWN AT THE ORGAN\" \"AND AFTER THIS HAD HAPPENED, UH\" \"AND WE HAD SEEN THE TITLES OF THE SHOW, WE...\" \"WE SAW BIGGLES DICTATING A LETTER TO HIS SECRETARY\" \"WHO THOUGHT HE WAS SPANISH\" \"AND WHOM HE REFERRED TO AS A \"HARLOT\"\" \"AND A \"WOMAN OF THE NIGHT\"\" \"ALTHOUGH SHE PREFERRED TO BE CALLED A \"COURTESAN.\"\" \"( chuckles weakly )\" \"( laughter )\" \"UH, THEN WE SAW SOME PEOPLE\" \"TRYING TO CLIMB A ROAD IN UXBRIDGE\" \"AND THEN THERE WERE SOME CARTOONS AND...\" \"AND THEN SOME LIFEBOAT MEN CAME INTO A WOMAN'S SITTING ROOM\" \"AND, UH, AFTER A BIT\" \"THE WOMAN WENT OUT TO BUY SOME, UH, CAKES ON A LIFEBOAT.\" \"AND THEN, UH, A N...\" \"A NAVAL OFFICER JUMPED INTO THE SEA.\" \"( light laughter )\" \"UH, THEN WE SAW A MAN TELLING US ABOUT STORAGE JARS FROM BOLIVIA\" \"AND THEN THERE WERE SOME MORE CARTOONS.\" \"AND THEN A...\" \"A MAN TOLD US\" \"ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SHOW SO FAR\" \"AND A GREAT HAMMER CAME AND HIT HIM ON THE HEAD.\" \"( laughter )\" \"I DON'T REMEMBER THAT.\" \"LEMON CURRY?\" \"( Greek string musicplaying )\" \"( music continues )\" \"( laughter )\" \"( ringing bell )\" \"GOOD MORNING, SIR.\" \"GOOD MORNING.\" \"UM...\" \"I WAS SITTING\" \"IN THE PUBLIC LIBRARY IN THURMOND STREET JUST NOW\" \"SKIMMING THROUGH ROGUE HERRIES BY HORACE WALPOLE\" \"WHEN I, UM, SUDDENLY CAME OVER ALL PECKISH.\" \"PECKISH, SIR?\" \"ESURIENT.\" \"EH?\" \"EEE, I WERE ALL HUNGRY, LIKE.\" \"OH, HUNGRY.\" \"IN A NUTSHELL.\" \"SO I THOUGHT TO MYSELF\" \"A LITTLE FERMENTED CURD WOULD DO THE TRICK\" \"SO I CURTAILED MY WALPOLLING ACTIVITIES, SALLIED FORTH\" \"AND INFILTRATED YOUR PLACE OF PURVEYANCE\" \"TO NEGOTIATE THE VENDING OF SOME CHEESY COMESTIBLES.\" \"COME AGAIN?\" \"I WANT TO BUY SOME CHEESE!\" \"AH...\" \"I THOUGHT YOU WERE COMPLAINING ABOUT THE MUSIC.\" \"OH, HEAVEN FORBID.\" \"I AM ONE WHO DELIGHTS\" \"IN ALL MANIFESTATIONS OF THE TERPSICHOREAN MUSE.\" \"SORRY.\" \"I LIKE A NICE DANCE\" \"YOU'RE FORCED TO.\" \"ANYWAY.\" \"WHO SAID THAT?\" \"NOW, MY GOOD MAN, SOME CHEESE, PLEASE.\" \"YES, CERTAINLY, SIR.\" \"WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?\" \"WELL, UH, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE RED LEICESTER?\" \"I'M AFRAID WE'RE FRESH OUT OF RED LEICESTER, SIR.\" \"NEVER MIND.\" \"HOW ARE YOU ON TILSIT?\" \"NEVER AT THE END OF THE WEEK, SIR.\" \"ALWAYS GET IT FRESH FIRST THING ON MONDAY.\" \"TISH, TISH.\" \"NO MATTER, UM...\" \"WELL, FOUR OUNCES OF CAERPHILLY, THEN, IF YOU PLEASE\" \"STOUT YEOMAN.\" \"AH, WELL, IT'S BEEN ON ORDER FOR TWO WEEKS, SIR.\" \"I WAS EXPECTING IT THIS MORNING.\" \"YES, IT'S NOT MY DAY, IS IT?\" \"UH, BEL PAESE?\" \"SORRY.\" \"RED WINDSOR?\" \"UH, NORMALLY, SIR, YES...\" \"BUT TODAY THE VAN BROKE DOWN.\" \"AH...\" \"UH, STILTON?\" \"SORRY.\" \"GRUYERE, EMMENTAL?\" \"NO.\" \"ANY NORWEGIAN JARLSBERGER?\" \"NO.\" \"LIPTAUER?\" \"NO.\" \"LANCASHIRE?\" \"NO.\" \"WHITE STILTON?\" \"NO.\" \"DANISH BLUE?\" \"NO.\" \"DOUBLE GLOUCESTER?\" \"NO.\" \"CHESHIRE?\" \"NO.\" \"ANY DORSET BLUE VINNEY?\" \"NO.\" \"BRIE, ROQUEFORT\" \"PONT-L'EVEQUE, PORT SALUT, SAVOYARD\" \"SAINT-PAULIN, CARRE-DE-L'EST\" \"BOURSIN, BRESSE-BLEUE, PERLE DE CHAMPAGNE\" \"CAMEMBERT?\" \"AH!\" \"WE DO HAVE SOME CAMEMBERT.\" \"YOU DO.\" \"EXCELLENT.\" \"IT'S A BIT RUNNY, SIR.\" \"OH, I...\" \"I LIKE IT RUNNY.\" \"WELL, AS A MATTER OF FACT, IT'S...\" \"IT'S VERY RUNNY, SIR.\" \"NO MATTER, NO MATTER\" \"HAND OVER LE FROMAGE DE LA BELLE FRANCE\" \"QUI S'APPELLE CAMEMBERT\" \"S'IL VOUS PLAIT.\" \"I THINK IT'S RUNNIER THAN YOU LIKE IT, SIR.\" \"I DON'T CARE\" \"HOW EXCREMENTALLY RUNNY IT IS;\" \"HAND IT OVER WITH ALL SPEED.\" \"YES, SIR.\" \"OH...\" \"WHAT?\" \"THE CAT'S EATEN IT.\" \"HAS HE?\" \"SHE, SIR.\" \"GOUDA?\" \"NO.\" \"EDAM?\" \"NO.\" \"CAITHNESS?\" \"NO.\" \"SMOKED AUSTRIAN?\" \"NO.\" \"SAGE DERBY?\" \"NO, SIR.\" \"YOU DO HAVE SOME CHEESE, DO YOU?\" \"CERTAINLY, SIR-- IT'S A CHEESE SHOP, SIR.\" \"WE'VE GOT...\" \"NO, NO, NO, DON'T TELL ME.\" \"I'M KEEN TO GUESS.\" \"FAIR ENOUGH.\" \"WENSLEYDALE?\" \"YES, SIR.\" \"SPLENDID.\" \"WELL, I'LL HAVE SOME OF THAT THEN, PLEASE.\" \"OH, I'M SORRY, SIR\" \"I THOUGHT YOU WERE REFERRING TO ME-- MR. WENSLEYDALE.\" \"GORGONZOLA?\" \"NO.\" \"PARMESAN?\" \"NO.\" \"MOZZARELLA?\" \"NO.\" \"PIPPO CREME?\" \"NO.\" \"ANY DANISH FIMBOE?\" \"NO.\" \"CZECHOSLOVAKIAN SHEEP'S MILK CHEESE?\" \"NO.\" \"VENEZUELAN BEAVER CHEESE?\" \"NOT TODAY, SIR, NO.\" \"WELL, LET'S KEEP IT SIMPLE.\" \"HOW ABOUT CHEDDAR?\" \"WELL, I'M AFRAID WE DON'T GET MUCH CALL FOR IT\" \"AROUND THESE PARTS, SIR.\" \"MUCH CALL?\" \"!\" \"IT'S THE MOST POPULAR CHEESE IN THE WORLD!\" \"NOT ROUND THESE PARTS, SIR.\" \"AND PRAY, WHAT IS THE MOST POPULAR CHEESE\" \"ROUND THESE PARTS?\" \"ILCHESTER, SIR.\" \"I SEE.\" \"YES, SIR, IT'S QUITE STAGGERINGLY POPULAR\" \"IN THE MANOR, SQUIRE.\" \"IS IT?\" \"OUR NUMBER-ONE SELLER.\" \"IS IT?\" \"YES, SIR.\" \"ILCHESTER, EH?\" \"RIGHT.\" \"OKAY, I'M GAME.\" \"\"HAVE YOU GOT ANY?\" HE ASKED\" \"EXPECTING THE ANSWER \"NO.\"\" \"I'LL HAVE A LOOK, SIR.\" \"N...\" \"NO.\" \"IT'S NOT MUCH OF A CHEESE SHOP, REALLY, IS IT?\" \"FINEST IN THE DISTRICT, SIR.\" \"AND WHAT LEADS YOU TO THAT CONCLUSION?\" \"WELL, IT'S SO CLEAN.\" \"WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY UNCONTAMINATED BY CHEESE.\" \"YOU HAVEN'T ASKED ME ABOUT LIMBURGER, SIR.\" \"IS IT WORTH IT?\" \"COULD BE.\" \"( music continues on )\" \"OKAY, HAVE YOU...\" \"WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY DANCING UP?\" \"!\" \"( music stops )\" \"I TOLD YOU SO.\" \"HAVE YOU GOT ANY LIMBURGER?\" \"NO.\" \"NO\" \" THAT FIGURES.\" \"IT WAS PRETTY PREDICTABLE, REALLY.\" \"IT WAS AN ACT OF PURE OPTIMISM\" \"TO HAVE POSED THE QUESTION IN THE FIRST PLACE.\" \"TELL ME SOMETHING\" \"DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEESE AT ALL?\" \"YES, SIR.\" \"NOW, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU THAT QUESTION ONCE MORE\" \"AND IF YOU SAY \"NO\"\" \"I AM GOING TO SHOOT YOU THROUGH THE HEAD.\" \"NOW, DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEESE AT ALL?\" \"NO.\" \"( gunshot )\" \"WHAT A SENSELESS WASTE OF HUMAN LIFE.\" \"( dramatic musicplaying )\" \"HUGH WALPOLE'S ROGUE CHEDDAR\" \"ONE OF THE FIRST OF THE CHEESE WESTERNS\" \"TO BE LATER FOLLOWED BY GUNFIGHTAT GRUYERE CORRAL\" \"ILCHESTER '73\" \"AND THE CHEESE WHO SHOT LIBERTY VALANCE.\" \"( laughter )\" \"WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT OF WESTERNS\" \"I WANT TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK\" \"AT ONE OF MY FAVORITE FILM DIRECTORS\" \"( sniffs ) SAM PECKINPAH, THE EXPATRIATE FROM FRESNO, CALIFORNIA.\" \"IN HIS EARLIEST FILMS, MAJOR DUNDEE\" \"( sniffs ) THE WILD BUNCH AND STRAW DOGS\" \"HE SHOWED HIS PREDILECTION FOR THE UTTERLY TRUTHFUL\" \"AND VERY SEXUALLY AROUSING PORTRAYAL OF VIOLENCE\" \"( sniffs ) IN ITS STARKEST FORM.\" \"IN HIS LATEST FILM\" \"PECKINPAH HAS MOVED INTO THE CALMER AND MORE LYRICAL WATERS\" \"OF JULIAN SLADE'S SALAD DA YS.\" \"( loud laughter )\" \"( playing lilting piano piece )\" \"Man:\" \"HELLO, EVERYBODY.\" \"ALL:\" \"HELLO, LIONEL.\" \"I SAY, WHAT A SIMPLY SUPER DAY.\" \"ALL:\" \"GOSH, YES.\" \"Woman:\" \"IT'S SO...\" \"YOU KNOW, SUNNY.\" \"YES, ISN'T IT?\" \"I SAY, ANYONE FOR TENNIS?\" \"OH, SUPER!\" \"WHAT FUN!\" \"I SAY, LIONEL, CATCH.\" \"( gasps )\" \"( loud laughter )\" \"OH, CRIKEY!\" \"( laughter )\" \"( screaming )\" \"( loud laughter )\" \"PRETTY STRONG MEAT THERE FROM... ( sniffs ) SAM PECKINPAH.\" \"( rapid gunfire )\" \"( gasping )\" \"[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION and AE TELEVISION NETWORKS\" \"Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH educational Foundation]\" \"( Sousa's \"Liberty Bell March\" playing )\" \"( music ends with fart )\" \"THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO DENY THE LASTAPOLOGY.\" \"IT IS VERY HAPPYAT HOME\" \"AND BBC2 IS BOUND TO GO THROUGH THIS PHASE.\" \"SO FROM ALL OF US HERE, GOOD NIGHT, SLEEP WELL\" \"AND HA VEAN ABSOLUTELY SUPER DA Y TOMORROW.\" \"KISS, KISS.\" \"WE'VE JUST HEARD\" \"THAT AN EXPLOSION IN THE KITCHENS OF THE HOUSE OF LORDS\" \"HAS RESULTED IN THE BREAKAGE OF 17 STORAGE JARS.\" \"POLICE HAVE RULED OUT FOUL PLAY.\" \"( laughter )\" \"LEMON CURRY?\" \"( laughter )\" \"UM, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE, UH...\" \"THE, UH...\" \"PAUSE\" \"ONLY I'M AFRAID THE SHOW IS A COUPLE OF MINUTES SHORT\" \"THIS WEEK.\" \"YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THE SHOW'S AREN'T REALLY QUITE AS, UH...\" \"AS LONG AS THEY OUGHT TO BE.\" \"( laughter )\" \"BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?\" \"( laughter )\" \"UM, LOOK, THERE'S NOT REALLY A...\" \"A GREAT DEAL OF POINT\" \"IN YOUR SORT OF HANGING ON AT YOUR END\" \"BECAUSE I'M AFRAID THERE AREN'T ANY MORE JOKES OR ANYTHING.\" \"( laughter )\""], ["\"# Oh, Tokyo #\" \"#They got some saki and sashimi and some clean sheets #\" \"# Oh, come on, oh #\" \"# Come on, oh Come on, oh #\" \"#Yeah, Tokyo's the town that I love the best #\" \"# East, maybe east and west Maybe west #\" \"Forgetabout the twain It'll driveyouinsane\" \"Andteachyou things youneverknewbefore\" \"(Ends)\" \"Just a high buff, please.\" \"No polish.\" \" You have very strong hands, sir.\" \" Oh, thankyou, Klinger.\" \"My father gave them to me for graduation.\" \"He had to.\" \"Mom gave me a pen and pencil set.\" \"I sure wish I was going with you.\" \"Tokyo's the greatest.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Injust a few short hours, these hands will be... hopelessly in love with someyoung lady ofthe geisha persuasion.\" \" Mm, that runs into money.\" \" No, not really.\" \"A full evening with aJapanese hostess comes to only about $30.\" \"Ofcourse, batteries are extra.\" \"Very nice.\" \"You really do a goodjob, Klinger.\" \"Well, I'm notjust another pretty face.\" \"(Trapper) Mmm.\" \"You're a rat for not taking me to Tokyo with you.\" \"I'm a married man, honey.\" \"I only go out with girls who don't know that.\" \"Hmph.\" \"They're offagain.\" \"Only one thing on their pleasure-depraved minds:\" \" debauchery, lust.\" \" What was that, Frank?\" \"Fine ambassadors for the medical profession.\" \"First they'll check into some sleazy little hotel... probably shower, freshen up.\" \"Like people ofthat type do.\" \"And then they'll go down to the bar... a dark little pickup place, and there'll be those girls... with tight satin skirts perched up on high bar stools with their legs crossed... and these two lechers will slither up to them and, you know.\" \"What, Frank?\" \"What do I know?\" \"Hey, what areyou going to miss around here the least?\" \"I think looking down and seeing a rat using my shoelace for dental floss.\" \"You?\" \"Be nice to go for three days without amputating anything.\" \"Ah.\" \"Three days without shaking hands with somebody's gall bladder.\" \"Foryour divine help in granting us this sabbatical... we give thanks, O Lord.\" \"You rang?\" \"I didn't know he made house calls.\" \"Well, Tokyo, hereyou come, I see.\" \" We're offto see the wizard.\" \" And who's that?\" \"How do we know?\" \"We haven't met heryet.\" \"I hate to interfere with your rest and relaxation...\" \"I Chuckles I but I do have a short shopping list from some ofthe gang.\" \"And ofcourse the fiilthy lucre to pay for same.\" \" What do we got here?\" \" Oh, the usual-- cameras, lenses, watches.\" \"A training bra?\" \" Can't be for anybodywe know.\" \" Klinger.\" \"Understandably, there's some gaps in my education.\" \"What exactly is a training bra?\" \"Just like an ordinary one, only it has two little wheels in back.\" \"Well, have a nice trip, boys.\" \"Be good.\" \"And ifyou can't be good, be careful.\" \"Aren't we lucky to have such a nice Father?\" \"It's for the trip.\" \"Oh, I thoughtyou were signaling a left and a right turn.\" \"I'll have to remember that.\" \"Why don'tyou watch where the hell\" \"Oh, I'm sorry, Father.\" \"I thoughtyou were a regular person.\" \"quite all right.\" \"Areyou guys going to be at the Daichi Hotel?\" \"I may have to call you in case things startjumping back here at the ranch.\" \"We're kind ofoffthe Daichi, Henry.\" \"Too near the railroad.\" \"Noisy.\" \"They asked you not to come back, right?\" \"They said we were too loud.\" \"Some ofthe guests complained they couldn't hear the railroad.\" \"Either ofyou clowns know Yamashida Street in Tokyo?\" \"Yeah, sure.\" \"It runs parallel to the Ginza.\" \"That's right.\" \"There's aJapanese restaurant right on the corner.\" \"Hey, how about that?\" \"They've got aJapanese restaurant in Tokyo.\" \"And there's a book shop next door.\" \" Oh, yeah?\" \" Yeah.\" \"Now, they've got this package for me.\" \"Just give 'em this, 34 bucks, and sayyou're Orville Carver.\" \"I Chuckles I Who's Orville Carver, Henry?\" \"Well, they think I am.\" \"But they've never seen me... so they'll think either one ofyou guys is.\" \"What's\" \" What's in the package, Henry?\" \"Japanese prints.\" \"Old ones.\" \"I mean, some things never change.\" \"Ifyou get my drift.\" \"Henry, you have all the subtlety ofa community bedpan.\" \"Just get the prints.\" \" Excuse me, sirs.\" \"You got a shopping list, Radar?\" \"You want us to buyyou a new pair ofglasses at the dime store?\" \"How about another pair of Dr. Dentons?\" \" I hear they came out with a new power flap.\" \" Sign here, Colonel.\" \"Radar, I spent the entire morning signing my name.\" \"Why didn'tyou have me sign this while I was signing... all those other things I was signing my name to, which I didn't know...\" \" why I was signing them either.\" \" Signing.\" \"Sir, this is new business.\" \"A whole truckload ofplasmajust rolled in.\" \"Ah, great!\" \"Terrifiic.\" \"Every time we get a truckload ofplasma, we get a truckload ofwounded to pump it into.\" \"Let's go, Radar.\" \"We'll have a bunch ofshot-up kids showing up soon.\" \"Won't need this.\" \"Better suit up, guys.\" \"Whateveryou say, Orville.\" \"I Horn Honking I\" \"I Honking I\" \"I Trapperl Come on.\" \"Close that.\" \"Please remember the sponge count, girls.\" \" You too, Mr. Kwang.\" \" Yes, Major.\" \"I should be in Tokyo now up to my pectorals in warm water... surfacing only occasionally to be fed raw fiish... by a pretty little \"Orienta.\"\" \" Give me the heavier silk.\" \" I'm sorry, Doctor.\" \"Here.\" \"Boy, I'd sure love to send my hips out for a walk.\" \"Let's go, Nurse.\" \"Don't make a big thing out ofthis.\" \" (Hawkeye) Okay, wrap this one togo, Mr. Kwang.\" \" Yes, Doctor.\" \"Hello, toots.\" \"What areyou doing after the war?\" \"Don't be a wise guy, sir.\" \"Hiya.\" \"This guy's got a simple laceration.\" \"He can wait.\" \"I'm closing a routine flesh wound here.\" \" Henry, who's on triage?\" \" Hold it.\" \"I've got a bowel that's talking back to me here.\" \" Here.\" \" I didn't ask for this.\" \" I thoughtyou would need it.\" \" Then I probably do.\" \" Frankvolunteered.\" \" Figures.\" \"Frankwould volunteer for a fiiring squad.\" \" Or to be in front ofit.\" \" Or both.\" \"Colonel, I protest this attack on Major Burns' character in his absence.\" \"Actually, we're attacking his absence ofcharacter.\" \"No kidding, Henry.\" \"We got to start getting our casualties in here in the right priority.\" \" No question.\" \" You can do this, Major.\" \" I'm not sterile.\" \" Congratulations.\" \"(Frank)Okay, men.\" \"Hustle, hustle, hustle.\" \"Let'smoveit.\" \"Let'smoveit.\" \"And back here on the double!\" \"Father, this is a medical situation.\" \"We're busy in here.\" \"Oh, I'm just wetting his lips, Major.\" \" Well, wet 'em somewhere else.\" \" Frank, what areyou doing?\" \"What doyou mean?\" \"I'm doing my duty, that's what I'm doing.\" \"Oh, really?\" \"Got a good ingrown toenail case?\" \"Anybodywith adenoids?\" \"Diaper rash?\" \"Get offthis bus, Captain.\" \"The purpose oftriage, Major, is to select patients for immediate surgery.\" \"Oh, you teaching me medicine now?\" \"I Snorts I That's rich.\" \"Why doyou keep sending us cases that can wait?\" \"Now, listen, hotshot.\" \"I'm a pretty fair doctor myself.\" \" Ask any ofmy patients.\" \" We can't dig people upjust for that.\" \"This man's got a chest wound.\" \"He ought to be in O.R. right now.\" \"He happens to be Chinese.\" \"Then we'll operate with chopsticks.\" \" Corpsman, get this guy inside.\" \" Now, don'tyou dare, and that's an order.\" \"I'm busy now, Frank.\" \"I'll takeyour order later.\" \"I remind you, Captain Pierce, army standard triage procedure... is as follows:\" \"American wounded fiirst, allies second, enemy last-- repeat, last.\" \"Frank, that man is bleeding more than anybody in here... with the possible exception ofyour nose ifyou don't get out ofmyway.\" \"Let's go.\" \"Get him inside.\" \"Whatyou're doing is mutiny.\" \"I'm in command ofthis bus.\" \"Mutinyon the Bus\" \" It was a B-movie.\" \"They couldn't afford a bounty.\" \"AllenJenkins played the bus driver.\" \"(Man OverP.A.) Attention, allpersonnel.\" \"Battleactionhas terminated.\" \"Noincoming wounded.\" \"ColoneIBlake commends the unit andinvites everyone tohavea drink\" \"Dutch treat.\" \" Hawk, coffee's up.\" \" Fine.\" \"Pour it in my ear.\" \" Come on.\" \" Don't want any.\" \"I'll take two lumps with mine.\" \"Ahh.\" \"I got a casualty count before we left O.R.\" \"You want to know how many cases we handled in the last 36 hours?\" \"No, not really.\" \"473.\" \"I think that's an all-timer.\" \"We did, um, 1 8 laporotomies, 21 busted femurs...\" \" 16bowelresections\" \" Captain, can we put a lid on the shop talk, please?\" \"You know, for once I agree with him.\" \" I said that.\" \" I know.\" \"Let me have some more ofthat sugar, only this time no coffee.\" \" I've got to talk toy'all.\" \" Sorry, Henry.\" \"We've thought it over, and we're quitting.\" \"Yeah, we got a better offer from anotherwar\" \"Saturdays and Sundays off, and we don't have to do windows.\" \" Read this.\" \" Read this.\" \"Read this.\" \"Well, blow my nose.\" \"Colonel, is this true?\" \"Radar took the call.\" \"It came in on the radio.\" \"It's from the Chinese.\" \"The Chinese called us?\" \"They're probably dying for some American takeout food.\" \"No, they've got nine shot-up G.I.s on their side ofthe line... and they need more attention than the Chinese can handle.\" \"So they're willing tohave us come andget 'em.\" \"Hereare the conditions-- one vehicle, driver, doctors, corpsmen only.\" \"No guns, not even sidearms.\" \"The pickup point is a place called...\" \"Rainbow Bridge.\" \"It's 50 miles inside their territory.\" \" It's a trap!\" \" Absolutely.\" \"They're savages.\" \"I saywe should go.\" \"When areyou going to learn about Chinese treachery?\" \"Didn't Pearl Harbor teach you anything?\" \"It could be a trap, Trap.\" \"Oh, yes.\" \"Well, I'm afraid this is whatyou call your command decision.\" \"It's \"Ionely at the top\" time.\" \"Strictly something foryour leader.\" \" Well, Henry?\" \" Oh, golly.\" \"Whateveryou people decide is fline with me.\" \" Have a drink.\" \" I All Chattering I\" \"Wait.Just a minute.\" \"Hold it, hold it, hold it.\" \"We are all doctors, with one notable exception.\" \"Wehaveno choice but togopick them up.\" \"He's right.\" \"The Chinese have no antibiotics... no real surgical setup.\" \"Theirway oftreating a simple fracture is by amputation.\" \"Well, boo-hoo for the Chinese.\" \"They're pretty clever when theywant to be.\" \"They invented gunpowder, spaghetti, pigtails\" \"Little Feetfor Women, by Louisa MayAlcott.\" \"The major's point is that they're trying to suck us into a situation...\" \" and set us up for a wipeout.\" \" Spaghetti?\" \"A map of Rainbow Bridge, sir.\" \" There it is in blue.\" \" Right next to Boardwalk and Park Place.\" \"This thing here that looks like somebody's belly is China.\" \"That can't be 20 miles from their border.\" \"Jumpin' butterballs.\" \"Right in the middle oftheyellow horde's ball park.\" \" (Hawkeye)Frank?\" \" Hmm?\" \"Ifyou say \"yellow horde\" one more time while the war is still in motion...\" \"I'm gonna cut outyour tongue and use it for a pen wiper.\" \"You still won't face reality, will you?\" \"Perfect ambush country.\" \"Knock a few MASH doctors off... and break down the morale ofour brave freckle-faced kids at the front.\" \"Can I please say something?\" \" Anything but \"yellow horde.\"\" \" That's his.\" \"I'm not unfamiliar with the Chinese approach to war.\" \"Her father fought in France in World War I.\" \"Ambush to one side, I thinkwe must consider the possibility ofcapture... torture, brainwashing and, yes, even rape.\" \" Rape a doctor?\" \" I'll hit him with my purse.\" \"Radar, could I get a cup ofcoffee, please?\" \"Yes, Colonel.\" \"Anybody else?\" \"How aboutyou, ma'am, sir?\" \"I don't know.\" \"Going up there without any protection mightjust be asking for it.\" \"We know the Chinese are more decent with ourwounded than the North Koreans.\" \" Yeah, they know we give theirwounded a break.\" \" I think it's a real offer.\" \"Yeah, but ifit's not, ifyou guys get killed...\" \"I'll never hear the end ofit.\" \"Cream without sugar.\" \"Sugarwithout cream.\" \"And blackwithout cream and no sugar.\" \"Henry?\" \"Radar, I'll need a driver and a corpsman.\" \" Volunteers, sir?\" \" Thankyou, Radar.\" \"I knew I could count on you.\" \"(Frank)ColoneIBlake, I wouldlike togo onrecord\" \" We would.\" \" That's right.\" \"She and me.\" \"We.\" \"You have made a disastrous decision.\" \"What doyou want?\" \"It's his fiirst one.\" \"He'll get better.\" \"Henry.\" \" I Radarl Uh, sir?\" \" Yo.\" \"Uh, excuse me, but I thinkyou volunteered me a little quick there.\" \"They're a pair offools for going.\" \"Grandstand play, that's what it is.\" \" Mock heroics.\" \" I've never seen anything \"mocker.\"\" \"Then again\" \"Can I be frank, Frank?\" \"I feel that ifwe absolutely have to, we can be honest with each other.\" \"Then I thinkyou should consider going along.\" \"It could mean a citation, maybe even a promotion.\" \"But, uh, what about the danger?\" \"I've got to be honest-- I'm afraid ofdeath.\" \"Nobody's crazy about it, Frank.\" \"But sometimes it's necessary.\" \"There is another consideration:\" \"I'm a married man.\" \"No kidding?\" \"I'd forgotten.\" \"You haven't mentioned her for three or four hours.\" \"Talking about mywife is really hitting me below the belt at a time like this.\" \"Frank, there isn't a man in this war who isn't afraid.\" \"Including me.\" \"But whatyou've got to do is harness... that great mass of cowardly energyyou have.\" \"Margaret, you're so good for me.\" \"Youjust have to talk, and it gets my gumption up.\" \"You'rejust a big grown-up boy, aren'tyou?\" \" Take a gun along, Frank.\" \" What?\" \"Just in case.\" \" But they said not to, not even sidearms.\" \"Who said, Frank?\" \"The Chinese?\" \"Are we taking orders from the Chinese now, Frank?\" \"It was my mother's.\" \"Dad gave it to her on theirwedding night.\" \"He must have loved her very much.\" \"\"To my little shot from her big shot.\" \"\"Your loving husband...\" \"Lt. Colonel Alvin F. Houlihan, regular army.\"\" \"Keep it hidden, Frank.\" \"Nobody has to know.\" \"Ifl shouldn't come back, l\" \"Kiss me, Frank.\" \"You'd better put the gun on safety.\" \"Come on, George.\" \"How we doin', Trap?\" \"We got a ton ofstuff.\" \"We could stay on the road forweeks.\" \"Suits me.\" \"I don't want to open on Broadway until we're ready.\" \"Just stay on this route, Radar, and nothing will happen toyou.\" \" Yes, sir.\" \" You're gonna be fline, Radar.\" \"The Chinese are very fond ofminiatures.\" \"Cut it out, sir!\" \"I'm no scareder than you are!\" \"Corporal Klinger, volunteering for corpsman duty, sir.\" \" Really, Klinger?\" \" (Hawkeye) Terrifiic.\" \"What the hell?\" \"Maybe I can get out for bravery.\" \"I'm sure not making it for \"nuts-ery.\"\" \"Come on.\" \"I'll showyou the map.\" \"Hypocrites at 3:00, over.\" \"Colonel Blake.\" \"Major Burns is here to volunteer... for this extremely dangerous and patriotic mission.\" \" Is that right, Frank?\" \" You heard me.\" \"Welcome aboard, Frank.\" \"We knewyou'd want to be where the action is, ya big monkey.\" \"Ifl don't come back, honey, be sure that our son Henry gets a good education.\" \"Oh-- Stop it!\" \"As for me, I think Ralph Bellamy said it best when he said...\" \"\"Ifl can't get the girl, at least get me more money.\"\" \"Time's wasting, guys.\" \" Good luck.\" \" I'm not going.\" \"Holdit, boys!\" \"Just want to wishyouall thebest.\" \" Right on the ball.\" \" Lord, bless this mission ofmercy.\" \"Protect these brave men... and return them safely with their charges, amen.\" \" Thanks, Father.\" \" He's reallyvery good, isn't he?\" \" Tops.\" \" I feel guilty.\" \"We tried to get Pat O'Brien.\" \" I Engine Starts I\" \" I Blowing Whistle I Roll 'em!\" \"(Acoustic Guitar)\" \"Oh, Tokyo\" \"#They got some sake and sashimi and some clean sheets #\" \"Oh, come on, oh Come on, oh\" \"Come on, oh\" \"Tokyo's the town thatllove thebest\" \"East, maybe eastandwest maybe west\" \"Forgetabout the twain It'll driveyouinsane\" \"Andteachyou things youneverknewbefore\" \"I No Audible Dialogue I\" \"Okay, keepyour eyes open.\" \"We're getting close.\" \"Okay, stop, stop.\" \"I Brakes Screech I\" \"I think our table is ready.\" \"Radar, you and Klinger hang back.\" \"Those are Russian burp guns.\" \"They fiire 30 rounds a second.\" \" Thankyou, Dr. Morale.\" \" It's a good thing I brought a piece.\" \" Piece ofwhat, Frank?\" \" A gun, yajerk.\" \"I got it stuck in my belt.\" \"Frank, ifthey fiind that gun on you, they're gonna play mah-jongg with our teeth later.\" \"Frank, areyou out of what's left ofyour mind?\" \"Now, ifthey start anything, I'll take out the offiicer...\" \" and you disarm the ones with the guns.\" \" I Nervous Chuckle I\" \"Biteyour Mao Tse-tung.\" \" Keep it out ofsight.\" \" I'd like to see mywife again.\" \"I'd like to see anybody's wife again.\" \"I'm Dr. Lin Tan, Army ofthe People's Republic.\" \"I'm-l'm Dr. Pierce.\" \" Uh, Dr. Burns.\" \" Dr. Maclntryre.\" \"Uh, we're doctors too-- all three ofus-- we three.\" \"Hi.\" \"Here's a list ofyourwounded.\" \"All require more medical attention than we can provide.\" \" You speakvery good English, Doctor.\" \" University ofIllinois.\" \"No kidding?\" \"Our commanding offiicer went to Illinois.\" \"There's no need for us to get friendly here.\" \"Uh, Henry Blake.\" \"Uh, about 6'3\"... narrow shoulders, big hips, sort ofshaped like a pear.\" \"We'd better do it.\" \"Ifyou have observed our conditions, the procedure is as follows:\" \"You willbringyour vehicle acrossbridgeslowly.\" \" I Chinese I\" \" I Rifles Cockl\" \" Frank!\" \" Come on, let's have it.\" \" Have what?\" \"Give it to them, Frank, before they give us a .32-caliber enema.\" \"What's the matterwith you guys?\" \"You gonna side with me or the R-E-D?\" \"Frank, the R-E-D speaks English better than Y-O-U do.\" \"You have violated the agreed conditions.\" \"Yourwounded will remain with us.\" \"I Chinese I\" \" Doctor, hold it!\" \" Wait a minute!\" \"Look, you're doing something decent in the middle ofa giant indecency.\" \"Don't endanger nine men Just because some idiot... wants to do his General Custer impersonation.\" \"Yeah, Doctor.\" \"Don't blow it now.\" \"Is it not enough that your planes harass us day and night?\" \"Itmakesitimpossible forme to treatmyownpeople.\" \"We make a civilized gesture, and you respond by coming here with a gun... ready to shoot us down.\" \"All right, Frank.\" \"Come on, give it up.\" \"What the hell is that?\" \"Comes in a box ofCrackerJacks.\" \"It's also a whistle.\" \"I Chinese I\" \"Radar, Klinger, come on!\" \"I Hawkeye I Get up there and get some, will you, Frank?\" \"Okay.\" \" I Trapperl Frank, come on.\" \" Yeah, all right.\" \"# Oh, Tokyo #\" \"#They got some sake and sashimi #\" \"#And some clean sheets #\" \"# Oh, come on, oh #\" \"Boy, I don't mind telling you now, boy...\" \"I was really scared on that bridge.\" \"I hear ifthey takeyou prisoner, they hityou in places that are better left un-hit.\" \"Oh, you guys were really great with those casualties, though.\" \"You know, I was thinking I'd like to be a doctor when I get back to the real world.\" \"But I don't like being around sick people that much, so I guess that would be a drawback.\" \"I'm, uh, packing your pajamas.\" \"Maybe I shouldn't even bother, huh?\" \"You guys are really something.\" \"I don't know howyou do it.\" \"I mean, 1 6 hours ofsurgery-- 36 hours before that.\" \"A trip to the bridge and back, and nowyou're going to Tokyo.\" \"Well... ifyou ask me, you guys are like Supermen.\" \"You're all set.\" \"I Whispering I Good night, Supermen.\""], ["\"Hey, baby.\" \"Where are you going with that ass?\" \" Come here.\" \" We're talking to you.\" \" Slow down, bitch.\" \" We just wanna have a good time.\" \"You know you want some of this.\" \" Bitch, you know it's gonna happen.\" \" Yeah.\" \" Hey, Callie.\" \"It's just us.\" \" Goddammit, Zach.\" \"Shit!\" \"Callie!\" \"Perfect.\" \"That's exactly how I want it to sound in Pasadena.\" \"It's just horrible.\" \"Baritones, someone among you was singing a B flat, of all inappropriate notes.\" \"And there was a certain tenor who's sharp on the G.\" \"A lot.\" \"I can only pray to Jesus you know who you are, Evan.\" \"Lose the emotion, Dennis.\" \"That's touching, but no one cares.\" \"OK.\" \"Sadly for our audiences, who have paid $25 to hear us, we do not have time to work on that tonight.\" \"But please, and I am begging you from a place of raw desperation, learn your parts this weekend.\" \"For them, if not for me.\" \"Dismissed.\" \"David.\" \"Hey.\" \"Are you going to Evan's open house tomorrow?\" \"No.\" \"I'd love to, but I can't.\" \"It won't be one of those scenes where everyone ends up naked in the pool and you have to deal with the image of their soggy pubic hair forever.\" \"Well, that's good.\" \"Yeah, it's just I'm going away.\" \" Well, I'm sure he'll have another.\" \" I hope so.\" \" Cos I'd really love to go.\" \" OK.\" \"Well, I'll see you next week.\" \"Shut up.\" \"My mom's a really light sleeper.\" \"Sorry.\" \"That was...\" \"It was a really great one.\" \"It was?\" \" How were yours?\" \" Good.\" \"Just good?\" \"Both?\" \"It was just one, but it was good.\" \"It was very good.\" \"I think we can do better.\" \" Are you tired?\" \" It's really late.\" \"I was thinking I'd sleep over.\" \"I don't know.\" \"I guess.\" \"Isn't it cool?\" \"Yeah.\" \"Fuck it.\" \"Don't go to the bathroom, cos my mom gets up to pee five hundred times a night.\" \"Now I have to pee.\" \"Just go out the window.\" \"That's what Nate did when this was his room.\" \"Just try to avoid the avocado tree, cos we eat those.\" \"Just do it.\" \" Almost there.\" \" My ass is killing me.\" \" Sciatica?\" \" No.\" \"It's used to being nestled in a nice soft car seat for this trip.\" \"I just love the fresh air.\" \"It smells a lot like dog crap.\" \"We had a little dog years ago.\" \"A terrier we got for Nate when I was pregnant with David, so he wouldn't be jealous.\" \"Yippee, he called him.\" \"But he had some kind of rare heart defect, so the day we came home with David,\" \"Yippee crawled under Nate's bed and died.\" \"That's how my last husband went.\" \"Heart defect.\" \"Jogged five miles every morning, then one day, pouf.\" \" 46 years old.\" \" That's awful.\" \"It's better than with my first husband.\" \"Melanoma at 25.\" \"Then it was in and out of the hospital for ten years, chemo three times.\" \"That was hard.\" \" I really loved him.\" \" I'm so sorry.\" \"When did you remarry?\" \"Well, there was one in between the two that died.\" \"He was just a dog.\" \"He tried to sleep with every single one of my girlfriends.\" \"He'll probably live to be 100, screwing other people's wives the whole time.\" \"Son of a bitch.\" \" I'm so sorry.\" \" It's OK.\" \"It is funny.\" \"I never thought of myself as lucky having only buried one husband.\" \"Lucky, unlucky, I don't know.\" \"I'm unlucky I ran through three husbands.\" \"I'm lucky I got to retire early off the insurance.\" \"I'm unlucky my son set fire to the house.\" \"I'm lucky I never had a urinary tract infection.\" \"I don't even care if it works out fair in the end.\" \"I'm sure it doesn't.\" \"I still have to haul my own ass out of bed in the morning.\" \"I went to this...\" \"I took a kind of seminar that was about that.\" \"Oh, EST?\" \"Lifespring?\" \" The Plan?\" \" The Plan.\" \"My daughter was into that for years.\" \"She was a group leader.\" \"She inspired thousands of people to change their lives.\" \"Now she's hoarding firearms in a compound in Montana.\" \"No!\" \"She's always been very susceptible to group mentality.\" \"Maybe I could have given her a stronger sense of self, but you know, I did my best.\" \" Some things are just genetic.\" \" What are you gonna do?\" \"Can't you get a de-programmer to go and rescue her?\" \"You know what?\" \"She's an adult.\" \"I mean, it's her life now.\" \"Maybe I screwed her up, maybe I didn't.\" \"My son turned out fine.\" \" How are your kids?\" \" Fine.\" \"I think.\" \"I have to go.\" \"I have a job interview in two hours and I have to shower.\" \" What kind of job?\" \" As an accountant for a chain of drycleaners.\" \" I've always been good with books.\" \" Sounds fun.\" \"I know, but I need the extra income and it's good for me to get out.\" \" You're out right now.\" \" That's true.\" \"It'd be better to go to breakfast.\" \"The French Marketplace has a $3.99 special.\" \"She was running from a group of boys who were whistling... and she got scared that they were following her into a parking structure, so she ran into the street.\" \"The car was speeding.\" \"It was dark.\" \"I'm so sorry.\" \"Did they catch the boys?\" \"They were the ones who called the ambulance.\" \"They were her friends.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"I don't quite understand.\" \"They were just playing around.\" \"They were all in a state of shock that a woman could be terrified by a group of men chasing her at night.\" \"Of course you don't think it's your friends.\" \"When they saw her running they tried calling her name, but it was too late.\" \"It was an accident.\" \"Carol?\" \" I'm here with your cake.\" \" Thanks.\" \"Just pass it in here.\" \"In where?\" \" Are you OK?\" \" I need my cake in a safe, white place today.\" \"Did something happen?\" \"I had a very upsetting conference call with Kate Hudson's people.\" \"It's unbelievably demeaning to have these little girls in their $800 shoes, who grew up watching music videos, telling me what a movie is.\" \"I've been in this business for 20 years.\" \"I've worked with Stallone, Ellen Barkin, Melanie fucking Griffith.\" \"My work is everything to me.\" \"I haven't even had a life.\" \"I'm on the set dealing with everyone else's crisis.\" \"Roping in the director, firing the writer, wrangling the star.\" \"And who takes care of me?\" \"Who even wants to take care of me?\" \"That sounds really hard.\" \"It's so bright out here.\" \"Careful, Lisa.\" \"These sheets are new from Pratesi.\" \"Do you have your cake towel?\" \"It's in here.\" \"OK, I'll come back later for the cake plate.\" \" I still need my poopy shake at two.\" \" Right.\" \"Lisa, honey, your husband's car was parked in the driveway again last night.\" \"He doesn't understand how much of a problem this is.\" \"I'm sure he thought you wouldn't need to get out.\" \" What if I did?\" \" You would have called us.\" \"No, I don't wanna bother you in your private time at home.\" \"No.\" \" I'll tell him.\" \" It's not that challenging to find street parking.\" \"Is it a snake or some kind of tropical vine?\" \"It's kind of a combination of Maori, Ta Moko and also Japanese kanji for wisdom, I think.\" \" This, right here.\" \" Oh, my.\" \" I thought you were going to an interview.\" \" I decided that job wasn't really me.\" \"Well, there's eggs and bacon in the fridge and I think there's still some frozen waffles.\" \" They've been there since 1992.\" \" That's not true.\" \"They're perfectly fresh.\" \"I'll take a waffle.\" \"Let's say you've just met someone a month or so ago, and after a few weeks of exchanging messages, you finally get together for a nice activity, like a hike, for example, and you have a delightful time and you think the other person did too.\" \"How long would you wait to call the person to set up another date?\" \" Who called who first?\" \" Is this another boyfriend?\" \"No, it is not, and I don't appreciate that tone.\" \"I did, originally.\" \"Wait.\" \"It's his turn.\" \"It's really bad to be, like, begging for it.\" \"The waffles are in the toaster.\" \"Nice to meet you, dear.\" \"You don't want to eat those.\" \"I can make you some toast.\" \"That's OK.\" \"I'll grab something on the way to work.\" \"Do you want to see A Clockwork Orange tomorrow?\" \"Russell says it's mandatory viewing for all humans.\" \" I can't.\" \"We're playing at the Snell.\" \" Really?\" \" What time do you guys go on?\" \" We probably won't start till 11.\" \" OK.\" \" But it may not be that fun for you.\" \" I have these other friends coming.\" \" So?\" \"Can't I meet them?\" \"I don't think you really want to.\" \"OK.\" \"But Friday's awesome if you wanna see the movie then.\" \"No, it's only tomorrow.\" \"Friday's Eyes Wide Shut.\" \" You wanna see that?\" \" I did.\" \"OK.\" \"So we'll do something else.\" \"\"...private balconies, invigorating pool and jacuzzi,\" \"\"gourmet cuisine and an array of activities\" \"\"are some of the pleasures awaiting our guests\" \"\"at the romantic refuge that is Los Lomos.\"\" \"I hope there's shuffleboard.\" \"I'm serious.\" \"They had it at this place in Santa Barbara when we were kids.\" \"I really had a knack for it.\" \"It's the only thing I could ever beat Nate at.\" \"\"The picturesque village nearby offers visitors sophisticated restaurants,\" \"\"art galleries, antique and specialty shops.\"\" \"I just wanna sit by the pool and drink pi\u00f1a coladas all day.\" \"If you like pi\u00f1a coladas And getting caught in the...\" \"Whoops.\" \"Does that count?\" \" Yes.\" \"You owe me a dollar.\" \" But I stopped.\" \" I stopped.\" \" All right. 50 cents.\" \"I should get a dollar every time you say \"calorie\" or \"carb\".\" \" How often do I say those?\" \" A lot.\" \"More than I sing.\" \"I don't think so.\" \"In fact, we've just taken the animal portion of life and in terms of animal evolution, there's been some great new work over the last few years that's really been able to uncover a story of how this great diversity of animal life we share the planet with has come about.\" \"And it turns out that of a million or so species of animals that scientists have given names to, there are really only eight different body plans.\" \" What you doing?\" \" Pumping.\" \"Moo!\" \"Thanks for helping me feel even sexier than I already do at this moment.\" \"You're crazy.\" \"You couldn't be more beautiful.\" \"You're like a fountain of life.\" \"Is she still sleeping?\" \"Carol sneak in and slip her some cognac?\" \"Hardly.\" \"She missed her nap because I had to use the blender all morning.\" \" Where did you park?\" \" In the street.\" \" She could have gotten out this morning.\" \" Of course.\" \"She has trouble driving in reverse so it makes her nervous to have cars in the driveway.\" \"She doesn't want people to think she drives an American car.\" \"Whatever.\" \"Let's do our part for peace.\" \" Hi, homos.\" \" That's my son.\" \"You can't have him.\" \" Fudgepackers.\" \" Pillow biters.\" \"I thought this was a family place.\" \" Butt pirates.\" \" Twinkletoes.\" \" Faggoty-ass faggots.\" \" Disgusting.\" \"Honey, you better turn over.\" \"Here's some shade for you right here, honey.\" \"Don't worry about him.\" \"He can sleep through a dirty bomb.\" \" Don't get up.\" \" I need the exercise.\" \"All we've done since we got here is eat.\" \"The food's not that good.\" \"That's too bad.\" \"I heard the aqua hip-hop class is terrific, if you can get yourself into the pool at 7:30am.\" \" Thanks for the tip.\" \" I'm Sheila, by the way.\" \"Hi.\" \"Hey, smile.\" \" Are you ready for your pi\u00f1a colada?\" \" God, no.\" \"They'll really think we're gay.\" \" We can't have that.\" \" I think people here are uncomfortable with it.\" \"Like who?\" \"Wasn't that lady over there nice to you?\" \"We have an aerobics date tomorrow morning and then we're going to the beauty parlour.\" \"I'll just take a beer.\" \"Not lite.\" \" Would you mind taking a picture of us?\" \" Yeah.\" \"Smile.\" \"I'm glad you called.\" \"I was on the verge of getting an impulse haircut.\" \" Those never work out.\" \" Who do you use?\" \"I have to find someone.\" \" I just go to Supercuts.\" \" You can't do that.\" \"Bettina!\" \"A woman's hair is the gateway to her sensuality.\" \"Not the hair on her head, honey.\" \" What do you think?\" \" I think you should try it on.\" \" No, it's for you.\" \" That's not exactly my style.\" \"Sweetie, I say this with a heart full of love, but your style could use a shot of adrenaline.\" \" I like a classic look.\" \" Try it.\" \"Just for fun.\" \" Nice!\" \" I don't know.\" \" Isn't it a little trendy?\" \" Are you kidding me?\" \"It's perfect.\" \"And 30% off.\" \"OK.\" \"Now try the gold silk number.\" \" I'm so psyched for Valerie Doane.\" \" She's not coming this semester.\" \" That's the reason I took this course.\" \" Yeah, you and everybody.\" \"But she got a travel grant so now she's in Israel and we have some other guy coming.\" \" That sucks.\" \"This place is fucking lame.\" \" It's just one class.\" \"Nothing's turning out to be as good as it looked in the catalogue.\" \" Who's this other guy?\" \" Oliver Something-Something.\" \"Olivier Castro-Staal.\" \"He's supposed to be awesome.\" \"Really?\" \"I heard he was kind of on his own trip.\" \"Well, Valerie Doane's incoherent.\" \"I took a seminar with her at BAMF.\" \"It was garbage.\" \"Was that him?\" \"This is the wrong room.\" \"Are you here for Form And Space?\" \" This is the right room.\" \" It's a studio class.\" \" The catalogue said lecture.\" \" That's bullshit.\" \"I don't do lectures, so this is going to be a studio class.\" \"If anyone needs a lecture, for whatever reason people have, then go now.\" \"I won't be offended.\" \" You can just talk.\" \" I need a lecture to balance my course load.\" \"OK.\" \"We're gonna make art in this class.\" \"I'll put \"lecture\" on the forms for people who need lecture and \"studio\" for people who need studio.\" \"And that's it.\" \"If this upsets your sense of order then you can go now.\" \"I won't be offended.\" \"But go now, so we don't have to deal with ambivalence in this room.\" \"Ambivalence is poison for art.\" \"If I see anyone tormented over some decision this way or that way,\" \"I will be offended and I will throw you out for the sake of the class.\" \"Good.\" \"That was a bad vibe.\" \"OK, there are no easels in this stupid room, so everyone get on the floor.\" \"Get on the floor!\" \" Do you have your drawing pads?\" \" We thought it was a lecture.\" \"Take one and pass it.\" \"If you have a pencil, you're lucky.\" \"If you only have a pen, you're luckier.\" \"You have five minutes to draw a picture of the day in your life that was the most horrible.\" \" Go.\" \" What do you mean, a picture of the day?\" \"Go, I said.\" \" She juiced yet?\" \" Yeah, just about.\" \" You file that certificate?\" \" Claire's gonna do it tomorrow.\" \"Stupid kids.\" \"Doesn't it seem like she really panicked, though?\" \"Maybe something happened to her before.\" \"I don't know.\" \"Vanessa gets scared all the time.\" \"Even when she's out with the kids, she gets it.\" \"Ask Lisa.\" \"I'm not sure Lisa gets it much.\" \"She doesn't wear high heels or tight skirts.\" \"Vanessa says she gets it even when she's wearing sweat pants.\" \" But you know, she's pretty hot.\" \" Lisa's hot.\" \"Yeah, Lisa's hot.\" \"I just...\" \"I don't wanna talk about your wife like that.\" \"When does it stop sounding weird that someone's your wife?\" \"Vanessa felt like my wife already when we were 16 years old.\" \"Hey, listen, Nate.\" \"The first year of marriage for most people is the hardest.\" \"Especially with a baby on top too.\" \"That can be tough for anyone.\" \"No, it's great.\" \" It is.\" \"I'm totally into it.\" \" I'm just saying...\" \"Even if sometimes you're not, that's normal.\" \"I'm into it.\" \"Come in.\" \"Are you feeling better?\" \" You're a little late with this.\" \" I had to go and get more Psyllium.\" \"Oh, God.\" \"The baby's here.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"We haven't quite figured out the childcare thing.\" \"I tried to call Nate's mom, but I guess she was hurt when I got angry about the peanut butter.\" \"It really could have made Maya sick.\" \"Sweetie, I'm sorry.\" \"You know I love your little girl, and Nate's fine, but I can't get into all this.\" \"OK.\" \"Let's talk about dinner.\" \"Marlo's assistant said she is only eating raw foods.\" \"I really feel that you are not being sensitive to me at all.\" \" I thought you wanted to talk about dinner.\" \" Oh, God, Lisa.\" \"I've obviously had a very difficult morning and you're all about your own agenda.\" \" I didn't mean...\" \" Rushing me so you can deal with your baby.\" \"She's fine.\" \"I don't have to deal with her at all.\" \"Well, I really felt that earlier, when I was in a lot of pain.\" \"But the baby was crying, that was clearly your priority.\" \" No one was watching her.\" \" That is not my problem!\" \"When I hired you for this job, you were totally unencumbered.\" \"And now there's Nate and his dirty car and her and her needs and...\" \"They have not affected my cooking.\" \"They have affected your ability to support me emotionally.\" \"And you live in my house!\" \"What should I do, put Maya up for adoption?\" \"I've discussed this with my therapist and she's very concerned by the way that I allow you to treat me because I require and I fucking deserve a lot more attention.\" \"And you know what?\" \"I will not feel ashamed about that.\" \"If I'd known you were hiring me to be your wet nurse, I'd have asked for health insurance.\" \"Where are you going?\" \"Lisa!\" \"Goddammit!\" \"The moment was when my friend OD'd.\" \"Write down your favourite artist.\" \"In fact, everyone do this.\" \"Is it Kandinsky?\" \"Let's see.\" \"Because you're using Kandinsky's language.\" \"It's the same with most of these drawings.\" \"We despise ourself so much that we consider our own point of view as trivial.\" \"But that's bullshit.\" \"That's your father talking.\" \"Or whatever bad teachers you had before me.\" \"You with the red hair, who did you write?\" \"Hopper?\" \" No, I wrote Modigliani.\" \" Were you lying?\" \"No, but I also wrote Nan Goldin because I'm more into photography.\" \"When did you see the Hopper show at MOCA?\" \" Last week.\" \" OK, that's exactly what I'm saying.\" \"She sees 50 paintings by Hopper, she starts to draw like him because it's easier than drawing from the eye inside.\" \"Yeah, but artists get influenced by art.\" \"It's part of the process.\" \"Until you locate the inside eye, it's all bullshit.\" \"It's like a colouring book.\" \"Every work you make has to be a surprise to the earth, a seeing that never happened before.\" \"Because it's what happens when exactly what is inside of you confronts exactly what is outside of you.\" \"OK, next.\" \"Definitely.\" \"And the black suit and the cocktail dress.\" \" I'm not buying anything.\" \" Why not?\" \" Nothing was perfect.\" \" Nothing in life is perfect.\" \"That makes it easy to stay within a budget.\" \"If you don't buy this black suit, I'm gonna buy it for you.\" \"That is the sweetest thing I've ever heard.\" \"But I'd just return it and give you the money.\" \"Fine.\" \"I'm gonna go back for the sandals.\" \" Where did you find this?\" \" Leave it there.\" \"They'll take care of it.\" \"I know, but it seems so rude.\" \"Wonderful colour for you.\" \"How much?\" \"Too much.\" \" What are you doing?\" \" One of my little pleasures.\" \" Bettina!\" \" It's only fair.\" \"If they're gonna charge $350 for a piece of fabric that cost 20 bucks to make, they should lose a few.\" \" You want one?\" \" I certainly do not.\" \"It would be a great help to me if you tried to look a little less suspicious.\" \"Fortunately women of our age are invisible, so we can really get away with murder.\" \"What?\" \"I don't wanna go to the stupid fiesta barbecue.\" \"Come on, it'll be fun.\" \"What's fun about standing around with a bunch of straight people shaking maracas?\" \" There's a mariachi band.\" \" Can't there be one other gay couple?\" \"Some lesbians from the Bay Area.\" \" That kid in the pool was gay.\" \" The 11-year-old?\" \"David, relax.\" \"You're letting this matter too much.\" \"Sorry, but sometimes I just get exhausted by the running commentary in my head about how to be.\" \"Is this shirt too tight, is that gesture too flamboyant, who am I offending just by being here?\" \"Maybe you're beyond all that but I'd have thought you'd at least understand.\" \"It'd be nice on vacation to not have to deal with that.\" \"So don't.\" \"Offend people.\" \"Who cares?\" \"We paid for our room, right?\" \" I can't just turn it on and off.\" \" Maybe you should try.\" \"No one gets a break from their reality.\" \"Mexican food gives me the runs.\" \" What about what Frank said?\" \" It makes me feel like I have the runs.\" \"No, about us being less isolated.\" \"I'm not doing a limbo contest.\" \" That's Hawaiian.\" \" Good.\" \"But if there is one, you'd be a fool not to enter it.\" \"You know you'd win.\" \"Makes you look 20.\" \"Get it.\" \" Do I wanna look 20?\" \" OK, it makes you look 30.\" \"For $15 I could buy a bag of groceries.\" \"But a bag of groceries doesn't make you wanna look at yourself.\" \"Excuse me.\" \"I'd like to get this.\" \"Flirtation.\" \"Let me see if we have any left.\" \"It's very popular.\" \"We may be out.\" \"She found it.\" \"No, sorry, wrong one.\" \"Keep looking.\" \" We're all sold out.\" \" All right, then.\" \" Thank you so much.\" \" Bye.\" \"Thank you.\" \"David!\" \"Salsa!\" \"Come on!\" \"What do you wanna do for dinner?\" \"Go to that cheesy town?\" \"It's just outlet malls.\" \"The room service menu looked like heaven.\" \" Good, let's go.\" \" If we don't have to drive, we can get drunk.\" \" What's going on?\" \" I quit.\" \" We have to move.\" \" What?\" \"I would rather live on the street and beg for rice with a bowl than spend one more night under this roof.\" \"All right, what happened?\" \"She just unleashed so much insanity at us.\" \"It's not good for Maya to be around that kind of hostile dementia.\" \"If I wanted that for her, I'd live with my mother.\" \" I'm not sure Maya's in touch...\" \" She's very absorbent!\" \"OK.\" \"I kinda wish we could have talked this through before you quit.\" \" Did you actually quit?\" \" Yes.\" \"We have to leave tomorrow morning.\" \"What were you thinking?\" \"That we'd just stay at my mom's?\" \"Yeah, for now.\" \"It's not the worst thing that could ever happen, is it?\" \"No.\" \"It's not the best thing that ever happened either.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"I snapped.\" \"My humanity just rose up.\" \"Come here.\" \"OK.\" \"All right.\" \"Oh, my God!\" \"These walls are like paper.\" \"So fucking what?\" \"We're on vacation, dammit.\" \"And we're gay in here!\" \"Come on, cowboy, bring 'em on home!\" \"We're having some hot man-on-man love action!\" \"Hold it.\" \"You sing, I sing.\" \"You're losing your pillow.\" \" Dammit.\" \" Would you be careful?\" \" Sorry.\" \" Lisa, you're carrying too much.\" \"It's fine.\" \"I didn't realise how tall it was.\" \"I don't know how much of David's furniture you need, but he has some lovely pieces.\" \"We don't really have anything.\" \"Just that rocking chair.\" \"It's a much better space than Carol's.\" \"It's bigger.\" \"Yeah.\" \"There's no kitchen.\" \"You can cook in the house whenever you like.\" \" Thanks.\" \" It won't be for too long, Ruth.\" \"I'm happy to have you.\" \"Ruth, you can pick her up.\" \" Nice lipstick, Mom.\" \" Thank you, dear.\" \"It's new.\" \"When you're done, put down your charcoal.\" \"OK.\" \"This is it.\" \"Can you see why this is good?\" \" Because it's in her own language.\" \" Yes.\" \"But the way I tell if something is good is...\" \"Does it make me wanna throw up?\" \"This drawing instantly makes me feel nauseous.\" \"You can tell if something is truthful even if you don't understand it if it affects your body.\" \"Your liver and bowels are more important as an artist than your eyes because they are so far away from your brain.\" \"I don't know.\" \"I think it seems kinda obvious.\" \"Because you're embarrassed by yourself.\" \"In the beginning if you hate something it's good, because you don't recognise the beauty of your own truth.\" \"You're used to being a normal pathetic human who does only what other people want.\" \"But what the other people really want is to fuck you and make money off you and hang in their living room with their fancy security system.\" \"Like this.\" \"Who did you make this to please?\" \"Me?\" \"Your mother?\" \"Your boyfriend?\" \"Does anyone feel sick from this?\" \"No.\" \"So who the fuck cares?\" \"I'm a friend of Callie's and I was there the night she died.\" \"I wanted to speak because I really loved her and I wanted to talk about who she was to me, to us, which is this brave, brazen, totally heroic person.\" \"This rock-climbing, body-surfing, back-talking truth-or-dare champion.\" \"I never even once saw her scared... before.\" \"I guess what I really wanna say to her is... we were just pretending to be this thing that we're not...\" \"I don't think.\" \"And then she was this thing that she's not...\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"When she saw that it was us, she had this look like...\" \"\"How could this be you?\"\" \"Mrs Mortimer?\" \"I'm sorry, but I just didn't know what to say.\" \" What?\" \" The mother, Mrs Mortimer.\" \"I didn't know what to say to her.\" \"You didn't really have to say anything.\" \"I didn't.\" \"Yeah, but like...\" \"Hug her, don't hug her.\" \"You know, I freeze up.\" \"You can't think about it.\" \"You just have to really be there with them.\" \"Just be present.\" \" I don't think I can.\" \" Sure you can.\" \"No.\" \"Downstairs, it's just a body.\" \"But up here, like this young girl, she's someone's sister and someone's daughter and I can't help but to think, \"What if it was Julio?\" \"Or Vanessa, even?\"\" \"You know, and I just can't...\" \"You don't ever think, \"What if it was Maya or Lisa?\"\" \"I don't, actually.\" \"Not them.\" \"I can't bring them in here with me, you know.\" \"I just want them to be what's good about life.\" \"That way I can come in here and deal with what isn't.\" \"Well, you're lucky, then.\" \" How did it go last night?\" \" Awesome.\" \"I mean, we screwed up a lot but no one noticed.\" \"It was fucking loud.\" \"Everyone was walking around with cocktail napkins in their ears.\" \"So, listen.\" \"I wanna talk about this whole \"seeing other people\" thing.\" \"OK.\" \"I'm not that into it.\" \"OK.\" \"I mean, it makes me feel weird.\" \"If people are into each other, that should be pretty much enough, you know.\" \"At some point, yeah.\" \" What do you mean?\" \" Like when it gets really serious or whatever.\" \" When does that usually happen for you?\" \" It depends.\" \"OK, well, how about after a couple of months?\" \" You mean like us now?\" \" Yeah.\" \"I don't know.\" \" OK.\" \" I mean, do you?\" \"Well, yeah, that's what I'm saying.\" \"It's just not really my thing to sleep around.\" \"I'm not sleeping around.\" \"I just mean that...\" \"I'm kind of a one-at-a-time sexual person, I think.\" \"So...\" \"What do you think?\" \"I don't think I'm there.\" \"Just not at this exact point in time.\" \"Well, why not?\" \"Is it cos you like someone else better?\" \"No.\" \"So totally not.\" \"It's just it kind of has to be more organic for me.\" \"Not some kind of contract or whatever.\" \"It has to evolve.\" \"But I'm not saying it won't.\" \"It so totally could.\" \"Not for me.\" \"Not when it's like, \"You can't come hear me play cos some other girl's there.\"\" \"Yeah.\" \"OK.\" \" OK.\" \" So that's, like, it for you?\" \"I guess.\" \"Well, can I have a hug or something?\" \"No.\" \"I'm just gonna go.\" \"Remember us?\" \"You called about needing a signature on the admissions form.\" \"Hey, what are you doing?\" \"Nothing, just watching this.\" \"OK.\" \"But you can watch with us.\" \" Isn't Maya sleeping?\" \" She doesn't mind the TV if it's low.\" \"I have a million things I need to ask you.\" \" Like what?\" \" When do you want to do the childproofing?\" \"How shall we deal with Maya while I look for a job?\" \" I don't know how to start thinking...\" \" Then don't.\" \"Not yet.\" \"Take a break.\" \"We're not paying rent.\" \" Yeah, but we can't stay here forever.\" \" No, but we can relax for a few days.\" \"OK.\" \"I need to talk to you about vaccinating.\" \"I downloaded a ton of information.\" \"I'm still against it but you haven't really weighed in.\" \"God knows your mother wants it.\" \"Print it out.\" \"I'll look at it later.\" \"OK.\" \"Are you coming?\" \"OK, yeah.\" \"I do.\" \"I wanna hear it.\" \"OK.\" \" That's me.\" \" You sound good.\" \"Yes, I happen to have a very nice voice.\" \" I never said you didn't.\" \" Practically.\" \"I just don't like it when you sing at me.\" \"Shit.\" \"We're supposed to be going against traffic.\" \"There must be an accident.\" \"Looks like it might be picking up.\" \"Not much.\" \"Who knows when we're gonna be home now?\" \" Maybe we shouldn't have stopped for food.\" \" It's lucky we did.\" \"We're gonna get home too late to make anything.\" \" It's not my fault.\" \" You spent an hour at the Mikasa store.\" \"I gotta do laundry tonight.\" \"My uniform stinks.\" \"I really need to learn this.\" \"These are cold.\" \"English\""], ["\"Strange not seeing your name up there.\" \"\"To improve is to change...\"\" \"\"To perfect is to change often.\"\" \"You know your Churchill.\" \"Inscribed on the watch you gave me\" \" when I left for Glendon Hill.\" \" Was it?\" \" Nancy arranges all the gifts.\" \" She knows you well.\" \" As much as I'm enjoying this little...\" \" I got you two more votes.\" \"Partridge and Krauss.\" \"Is this Raymond's way of extending an olive branch?\" \" It's a start.\" \" Two votes is a twig.\" \"It's not a branch.\" \" Which is why I'm here.\" \" Well, the vote is at 5:00.\" \" We have less than three hours.\" \" Two hours and 49 minutes.\" \" We have made more happen in less.\" \" Is that the watch?\" \" No, it's nicer.\" \" So why did Raymond have a change of heart?\" \"If the government grinds to a halt, that benefits no one.\" \"We want the president focused on China, not distracted by furloughs and protests.\" \"You take direction from Jacqueline.\" \"She's not gonna like that very much.\" \" Bossing you around?\" \" Having me around.\" \"I don't blame her.\" \"Ashleigh will start the interview with questions about how you and your husband met, your early marriage.\" \" Fine.\" \" Then she'll move on to more specific\" \" questions about your recent transition.\" \" All right.\" \"She's gonna ask about you having no children.\" \"I thought we agreed to take that off the table.\" \"We did, but they insisted.\" \"Now, I can speak to Ashleigh directly and...\" \"No, no.\" \"It's fine.\" \"I've been asked the question before.\" \" I know how to answer it.\" \" It'll be quick and painless.\" \"I'll confirm that with Ashleigh when she gets here.\" \" I like it.\" \" Maybe something less neutral.\" \"I'm sure you'll look good in whatever you choose.\" \"I'll be downstairs.\" \"Disori owes you for the overpass funding you secured.\" \" Yes, he does.\" \" I'll call him.\" \" Where's Doug?\" \" He's doing the rounds.\" \"Making sure our hard ones stay hard.\" \"Birch and Womack are doing the same.\" \"But we're still 15 short.\" \"I've got relationships with most of these folks.\" \"Money's not enough.\" \"I already tried the D-trip route.\" \"Retirement age is the main sticking point?\" \" Old people vote.\" \" I'll target the AARP.\" \" That'll take most of the heat off.\" \" We're wasting time.\" \" I gotta get to work.\" \" Take Remy with you.\" \"Shouldn't we divide and conquer?\" \"It's harder to say no twice than once.\" \"I'll stay out of your way.\" \"Like you did on the watershed act?\" \"We're on the same side of the fence.\" \"You're late to the party.\" \"Think of Remy as the guy who shows up with a six-pack after the liquor stores close.\" \" Who's on your plate?\" \" Donald Blythe.\" \"Do you really think that's the best use of your time?\" \"If I can get him to turn his people.\" \"A lot of eggs to put in one basket.\" \"We only have one basket.\" \"Jacqueline, may I use your office,\" \" for old time's sake?\" \" I serve at the pleasure of the vice president.\" \"Two hours and 17 minutes.\" \"Normally all I need to sway Donald Blythe is patience and time, neither of which I have right now.\" \"Tick tock.\" \" Donald.\" \"Good to see you.\" \" Mr. Vice President.\" \"Please, it's always Frank to you.\" \"I came because you asked me, but don't mistake that for false hope.\" \"If you have other people to lobby, you should.\" \" Ten minutes.\" \" It won't change anything.\" \"Well, at the very least, enjoy the free coffee.\" \" I don't drink caffeine.\" \" Then decaf.\" \" Still has caffeine.\" \" Well, enjoy the free oxygen.\" \"It gets stuffy over there in the Longworth building.\" \" Coffee for me, and...\" \" Seltzer water, if you have it.\" \"I'm sure we do.\" \"Now, I can understand if you might hold a grudge.\" \"I don't hold grudges, Frank.\" \"I just don't negotiate with people who are fundamentally deceptive.\" \"I never lied to you, Donald.\" \"You promised to seek my counsel, which you never once did.\" \"We had to move the education bill in a direction I knew would make you unhappy.\" \" I saw no reason to frustrate...\" \" You eviscerated the unions.\" \" You federalized performance standards.\" \" If we hadn't done that, the bill would've been dead in the water.\" \"Now you want to cut the pathetic level of funding you did manage to pass.\" \"Isn't some funding better than none?\" \"A flatline will send a louder message than life support.\" \"Look, I'm impressed with the little coalition you've cobbled together,\" \" but we...\" \" Not so little.\" \"Twenty-eight votes.\" \" And you need them all.\" \" Well, really only half.\" \" Half of zero is still zero.\" \" I had to pull every trick in the book to get entitlement through the Senate.\" \"If it fails in the House, we don't get a round two.\" \"This is a one-time deal.\" \"It should never have passed the Senate to begin with.\" \"Can we start over?\" \"May I offer you an apology?\" \"Deaf ears, Frank.\" \"I withdrew myself from the education fight and that is my cross to bear.\" \"But I will be damned if I will make the same mistake twice.\" \"This sort of stubbornness makes you no better than the tea party.\" \" Except for the fact...\" \" that we happen to be right.\" \"Just a few more minutes, Donald.\" \"You haven't even had your seltzer yet.\" \"They have seven other data centers spread across the Northeast.\" \" Those aren't good odds.\" \" Well, if we can access one,\" \"I should be able to talk to the other seven.\" \"They all look like that.\" \" Fort Knox wrapped in a nuclear bunker.\" \" How do we get in?\" \"Well, we don't.\" \"You do.\" \"What...?\" \"How?\" \"What's my reason?\" \"You're writing a story on cyberterrorism.\" \"It's free publicity.\" \" If they're so secure...\" \" They give tours all the time.\" \" Mostly to prospective clients.\" \" Then why haven't you done it yourself?\" \"Because I run a white hat firm.\" \"And if I were to show up in the tour logs before a breach, it would raise alarms.\" \"OK.\" \"Once I'm in?\" \"These are what servers look like.\" \"If you can get inside one of these cages, you will have this.\" \"You slide it into the server.\" \"Voil\u00e0.\" \" It's that simple?\" \" Yeah.\" \"Well, your part, not mine.\" \" Code's extremely complex.\" \" How do I do it without them noticing?\" \"You get good at anything.\" \"Practice makes perfect.\" \"We've got a problem.\" \"Everyone, stop what you're doing, head into the nearest office and shut the door.\" \"You, stay exactly where you are.\" \"Retirement age is a done deal.\" \"I might be able to redistribute some appropriations...\" \"That's not what I'm after.\" \"You can't fix a wrecked car with new hubcaps.\" \"How about a sister bill?\" \"One that focuses entirely on education.\" \"My coalition is fighting for the integrity of the party.\" \"We're not just focused on education...\" \"I'm sorry, Donald.\" \"Excuse me.\" \"Nancy, I said no interrup...\" \"When?\" \"But the vote is in less than an hour.\" \"I...\" \"I don't care what protocol...\" \"Quarantine.\" \"There's white powder in the mail.\" \" We're locked in?\" \" Sir!\" \"Close the door now!\" \" Look, I have to...\" \" Now, sir!\" \"Please!\" \" I should call my wife.\" \" And I should call Claire.\" \" Should I tell Connor?\" \" No.\" \"It's better the press doesn't know.\" \"Field tests should come in before the vote.\" \"Soon as the tally's in,\" \" I'll come home.\" \" How's it looking?\" \"Shaky.\" \"We may lose this one.\" \"That could make for a tough interview.\" \"Well, I didn't want to do it in the first place.\" \"Well, we're committed now.\" \"I better get back to the holy crusader.\" \"Let me know as soon as the tests have cleared.\" \"If we're lucky, it'll be anthrax.\" \"I won't live long enough to see the bill fail.\" \" Don't say that.\" \" We're gonna be fine.\" \"How many of these quarantines we been through?\" \" I've lost count.\" \"  Wish me luck with Donald.\" \"Heels crossed.\" \" It's ripping the caucus apart.\" \" Of course.\" \"We took a united stand on our version of the bill.\" \" Some of us have to stay on our feet.\" \" This is about party unity.\" \" It's about abandoning our base.\" \" No.\" \"That's what the freeze is.\" \"Our base doesn't benefit from sword rattling.\" \"It gets left bleeding on the field.\" \"My district has the third largest number of seniors in the country.\" \"If we raise the age of retirement, the AARP will raise hell.\" \"I spoke with the president of the AARP this morning.\" \"They'll be receiving a 45 million dollar endowment next week.\" \"Voters will still revolt.\" \"The midterms are gonna be ugly.\" \"Many, and I can speak for myself...\" \"The choice is between immediate discontinuation of services and an age bump five years from now.\" \"You're comparing theoretical discomfort to imminent pain.\" \"I just feel like we're losing touch with our core values.\" \"The education bill was a good example.\" \"We all followed Frank's lead, hoping it would buy us\" \" traction with the Republicans.\" \" Would you excuse me?\" \"Just one moment.\" \" Does the press know?\" \" Not yet.\" \"Can you keep in touch with him?\" \"I need to pummel our lunch guests into submission.\" \"You got 'em close, but relax.\" \"Listen more.\" \"They want their hands held, not someone in their face.\" \"I know how to whip votes.\" \"Best caviar in DC, ladies and gentlemen.\" \" We can't let you pay for that.\" \" Then don't eat it.\" \"But if you do, I won't tell anyone.\" \"You were saying about the education bill...\" \"No, Marjory, honey.\" \"Remember, we just talked about it.\" \"I was telling you...\" \"Right.\" \"Nothing to worry about.\" \"If you have any questions, ask Molly.\" \"She knows what's going on.\" \"I will call as soon as I know anything.\" \"I love you.\" \"How's Marjory?\" \" She's OK.\" \" Long call.\" \"You know, she... gets emotional.\" \"Molly took a semester off to be at home.\" \"I told her she needs to head back in the spring.\" \"I don't want her mother dragging her down.\" \" Must be hard on you.\" \" Harder on the girls, I think.\" \" Is she lucid?\" \" About half the time.\" \"Just enough to be aware of how quickly she's going.\" \"It's awful.\" \"I feel terrible saying it, but part of me is looking forward to her not being lucid.\" \"At least then she won't realize what's happening.\" \"I should have thought of this before.\" \"Appeal to the heart, not the brain.\" \"Forgive my ignorance, but has there been any progress with research?\" \"Some.\" \"Genetic testing, vascular manipulation.\" \"But it's slow.\" \"They won't come up with anything in time for Marjory.\" \"We're focusing on quality of life.\" \"Look, I know you have work to do, so...\" \"I'm no longer the whip.\" \"That's Jacqueline's job.\" \"I just agreed to meet with you because we have a history.\" \"She would be tougher to say no to.\" \"But it still would've been a \"no.\"\" \" Yes.\" \" I admire your convictions, Donald.\" \"You're a rare breed nowadays.\" \"It didn't sound that way when you were comparing us to the tea party.\" \"I was being unfair.\" \"You're not a reactionary.\" \"You're a progressive.\" \" I see where this is going.\" \" How do you mean?\" \"When you've been in the wasteland as long as I have, you become immune to flattery.\" \"I know you think I'm fundamentally deceptive, but I am capable of a genuine compliment.\" \"Then I will take it as one, but it won't soften my resolve.\" \"If it did, you wouldn't deserve the compliment in the first place.\" \"If you vote no, I won't hold it against you.\" \"We are all in this together through the midterms.\" \"But, if you stick with me, we can show both the Republicans and the American people that we are capable of more than stagnation.\" \"And that's worth something, even if it hurts.\" \"Who can I count on?\" \"Copy that.\" \"The fact that there's still a door between us, I take as a bad sign.\" \"One tested negative, one inconclusive, sir.\" \"That means we have to take the samples to the lab.\" \" So how much longer?\" \" Another three or four hours.\" \"We have an important vote going to the floor.\" \"I have to be talking to my people.\" \"The vote is delayed, sir.\" \"We're evacuating this side of the Capitol.\" \" So no vote?\" \" Not until we get the all-clear.\" \" Good things happen to good people.\" \" Another thing, sir.\" \"All cell phone service, WiFi, land lines, we'll be blocking them, in case there's a legitimate security threat.\" \" I need to be able to call my wife!\" \" I apologize, sir.\" \" We can have someone notify her.\" \" No, it needs to be me.\" \"She gets very anxious if she doesn't recognize the voice.\" \"Congressman, I have strict instructions not...\" \"Figure it out, unless you want me to get the White House involved.\" \"I'll find a way, sir.\" \"There are advantages to being vice president.\" \"Ma'am, we'll have to ask you to remain up here for a little while.\" \" Is it the quarantine?\" \" The Capitol is being evacuated.\" \"We expect everything to be fine.\" \"It's just standard procedure.\" \"You won't be able to get through.\" \"Communication's being jammed.\" \" You mean I can't even speak to Francis?\" \" Not until the all-clear.\" \" How long?\" \"\" \" Four hours is the estimate right now.\" \" We're supposed to tape in 25 minutes.\" \"\" \" Nothing we can do.\" \" You OK?\" \" Yes.\" \"I'll go talk to Emma.\" \"No, I'm fine.\" \"Thank you.\" \"Em.\" \" So we might have a problem.\" \" It's all over the news.\" \" Yeah, it could be a while.\" \" Can we get audio from the vice president?\" \"Communications are being jammed until the evacuation's over.\" \" Have you spoken to Ashleigh?\" \" She thinks we should get a sat truck down here and wait and go live.\" \"I can't guarantee when that'll be.\" \"The vice president is quarantined in the Capitol and we have an exclusive.\" \"The network will broadcast whenever the hell we tell them to.\" \"They're holding off until you get here.\" \"You should do the interview solo.\" \" I'd rather wait.\" \" Who knows whether we'll win the vote?\" \"If we lose, I don't want my face on national television.\" \" This could be a silver lining.\" \"  I don't know, Francis.\" \" I'm sure you'll be terrific.\" \"  Let me run it past Connor.\" \"OK.\" \"Thank you, we're done.\" \" Sir, we were able to get Mrs. Blythe.\" \" Donald.\" \" Marjory?\" \" Hello?\" \" Yes, it's me, sweetheart.\" \"  It's hard to hear you.\" \" We're still stuck inside the office.\" \"  What office?\" \"At the Capitol.\" \"It's going to be a little while longer.\" \"But why are you there?\" \"It's Sunday.\" \" No, it's Friday, sweetheart.\" \"  Donald?\" \" I'm here.\" \"  Who is this man with me?\" \"He's a police officer.\" \"They're using walkie-talkies so we can speak.\" \" Who am I talking to?\" \"\" \" It's your husband, ma'am.\" \" I'm not married.\" \" It's me.\" \"It's Donald.\" \"Turn it off.\" \"I don't know that man.\" \" Marjory!\" \"\" \" She went to the other room, sir.\" \"OK, thank you.\" \" If you could stay with her, please?\" \"\" \" Yes, sir.\" \"Drink?\" \"Sure.\" \"Why not?\" \"For all we know, it could be midnight before he's out.\" \" He still needs to manage the vote.\" \"\" \" We're fine if it's 2am.\" \"When everyone's asleep.\" \" People would stay up for this.\" \" The whole point was primetime.\" \" Then we do it tomorrow.\" \" We've already set aside half a day for this.\" \"The vice president can't rearrange his schedule for an interview.\" \" I don't see any other options.\" \" I spoke to Francis over the radio.\" \" We think I should do it alone.\" \" Just you?\" \"Mrs. Underwood and Ashleigh, one-on-one.\" \"Maybe we can broadcast his voice...\" \"Francis doesn't want the entire interview to be about the quarantine.\" \"Neither do I. That's just spectacle.\" \"The quarantine is news.\" \"We have an opportunity...\" \" We're done.\" \" What?\" \" Cancel the interview.\" \"No reschedule.\" \" Come on.\" \"Please, pack up everything and leave.\" \"OK, let me call Ashleigh.\" \"I thought I'd get used to it, but no.\" \"Hurts every time.\" \"You spend 30 years with someone and then they don't have a damn clue who you are.\" \"Oh...\" \"I really shouldn't.\" \"If we never did anything we shouldn't do, we'd never feel good about doing the things we should.\" \" Excellent point.\" \" If these are our last moments on Earth,\" \"I don't know about you, but I'd rather go out with a buzz on.\" \"To Marjory.\" \" You love her dearly.\" \" More than anything.\" \"I can't imagine what I'd do without Claire, or if she didn't remember who I was.\" \" Hopefully you'll never have to.\" \" It makes me angry that you do.\" \" That anybody does.\" \" No sense being angry over what you can't change.\" \"How much funding does Alzheimer's research get?\" \"Just under 500 million.\" \"Well, I'm no expert, but that sounds inadequate to me.\" \"It is.\" \"For every $100 we allocate to research,\" \" we spend nearly $30,000 on care.\" \" We oughta change that.\" \"I tried.\" \"My bill didn't even leave committee.\" \" Who opposed it?\" \" Howard Webb.\" \" Appropriations.\" \" He didn't even put it to a vote.\" \" I've never been fond of Howard.\" \" That makes two of us.\" \" What was his argument?\" \" He didn't feel he owed me one.\" \"\"Fiscally irresponsible,\" is all he said.\" \"Walk me through the specifics of your bill.\" \" I see what you're doing.\" \" Doing what?\" \" You're disgusting, Frank.\" \" Excuse me.\" \" Using my wife.\" \" Donald, what are you saying?\" \"You think I'll give in on entitlement if you slap some extra Alzheimer's funding\" \" on the table?\" \" I was not suggesting that at all.\" \" Bullshit, Frank.\" \" You think as little of me as you want, but I do not barter with people's health.\" \"Then why are you trying to raise the age of retirement?\" \"Medical research we can afford.\" \"Medicare we can't.\" \" There are realities, Donald.\" \" Don't talk down to me about realities.\" \"My wife is dying!\" \"That's a reality!\" \"Other people will die, too, if your package succeeds!\" \"That's a reality!\" \"Goddamn it, I wish I wasn't stuck\" \" in this fucking room with you!\" \" Donald.\" \"I'm done talking!\" \" One more time.\" \" I've got it.\" \"I want it to sound more natural.\" \"Francis and I wanted to devote our lives to public service.\" \"And we didn't feel that we could both do that and be the parents we wanted to be.\" \"And by making that choice, it allows more time for us\" \" to be in the service of others.\" \" Good, that sounds good.\" \"We need you, Mrs. Underwood.\" \"Keep Derek at the Capitol.\" \"I want quotes from evacuees and Homeland Security.\" \"And Sarah should be finishing that history of biohazard scares.\" \"I'll be there soon.\" \" I have to go.\" \" No.\" \"We're not done yet.\" \"This is a major story.\" \"I'll come back tomorrow.\" \"Come here two days in a row and this is how patterns emerge.\" \"The FBI likes patterns.\" \"And we do not give the FBI what the FBI likes.\" \"I can't disappear all day in the middle of...\" \" I have eight reporters out in the field.\" \" Stop!\" \" Tell me why I purchased Cashew.\" \" I don't know.\" \"Companionship?\" \"Yes.\" \"But more importantly, a reminder that I am never more than one wrong move away from life in a cage.\" \"You stay.\" \"I'm gonna walk you through every line of code I intend to write, every attempt I make to breach the wall.\" \"If we get caught, you don't get to plead ignorance.\" \"We go down together.\" \"I didn't sign up for Bonnie and Clyde.\" \"You need me for this one thing.\" \"Just like I need you.\" \"But whatever you've done before me...\" \"You know where I live, and you know who I am.\" \"Sit down.\" \"The sooner we start, the sooner we finish.\" \"The Capitol is still on lockdown as hazmat crews continue a thorough sweep of the building.\" \"Earlier this morning, a white powder-like\" \" substance was found in a package mailed to the office of Majority Whip Jacqueline Sharp.\" \" Are we free to go?\" \" Almost, sir.\" \"Less than an hour.\" \" I've got a message from your wife.\" \"\" \" What is it?\" \"She's doing the interview live, right now.\" \"...Congressman Donald Blythe and 14 of Ms. Sharp's staff.\" \"Mrs. Underwood, I so appreciate you taking the time to speak with us today in what I am certain is a very stressful situation.\" \" Thank you, Ashleigh.\" \" Have you spoken with your husband today?\" \"Yes, I did, and he's in very good spirits, and in good hands with the Secret Service.\" \"Of course, he's very disappointed he couldn't be here.\" \"Well, our thoughts are with him and everyone else quarantined\" \" at the Capitol today.\" \" Thank you.\" \"I'd like to begin with Claire Underwood before you met your husband, in Texas.\" \" And I have a couple of pictures.\" \" Oh, no.\" \"Yes.\" \"Oh, my goodness.\" \"That was Red.\" \" An accomplished rider?\" \" An enthusiast.\" \" This one's from a couple of years later.\" \" Oh, my goodness.\" \"You like those penny loafers?\" \"Those are won...\" \"Those are two very different girls.\" \"Which one are you more comfortable being?\" \"My family's ranch, that was home for me.\" \"You didn't like the prep school?\" \"No, I think I preferred the dirt.\" \"You grew up in Dallas, though.\" \"Highland Park.\" \"Yes.\" \"My father, well, he was a businessman, so we lived in the city.\" \"But we're ranchers.\" \"I mean, we go back three generations, our family.\" \"Your parents were very wealthy.\" \"We were comfortable, yes.\" \"They made sure I wanted for nothing.\" \"It was a very happy childhood.\" \"What is your most vivid memory from that time?\" \"My most vivid memory?\" \"Wow.\" \"Um...\" \"Probably, when I was about nine or ten, my father took me to Dealey Plaza where Kennedy was shot.\" \"And he said, \"Claire, a great man died here.\"\" \"And I remember not fully comprehending the meaning of death yet.\" \"And I asked him how he died and he told me.\" \"And I remember feeling so sad, so angry.\" \"It seemed so unfair.\" \"I started to cry, and my daddy picked me up and he wrapped his arms around me and he said, \"Don't be sad, sweetheart.\" \"He made the world a better place, but sometimes that comes at a price.\"\" \"I guess that was the most vivid memory.\" \" We're only eight votes away.\" \" I'm sorry, I made up my mind.\" \"Me too.\" \"I gotta stick to my guns on this one.\" \"You would rather let the government shut down...\" \"Don't put that on us because we're on the ass-end of the whip list.\" \"Don't get us wrong.\" \"We have a lot of respect for you, Jackie.\" \"You're doing a fine job since Frank's gone.\" \"Different styles, but a fine job.\" \"Excuse us just a moment.\" \" They're not taking me seriously.\" \" Because you're not Frank.\" \" You mean because I'm not a man.\" \" No, I mean Frank.\" \"They're used to being offered something.\" \"Ask them what they want.\" \"Paul needs help with the waste treatment facility.\" \"You're being just as condescending as they are.\" \"Take some good advice when you get it.\" \"I was right earlier, wasn't I?\" \"Paul, Remy tells me you need a waste treatment plant.\" \"We've had some trouble getting matching federal funds.\" \"Ben, you mentioned once a winery museum in your district.\" \"We are making some great wines in Long Island these days.\" \"I've tried some.\" \"It tastes like piss compared to what we have in Napa.\" \"The sort of piss that belongs in Paul's waste treatment plant.\" \" Jackie...\" \" We have a possible terror attack, and you're holding out your plates for more pork?\" \"You should be ashamed of yourselves.\" \"In my caucus, people are rewarded for good behavior, not trading their votes for ransom.\" \"When we walk in there, I expect the both of you to vote yes without a moment's hesitation.\" \"Thank you for your change of heart.\" \"Six more to go.\" \"You left Texas and spent the last two years of high school at the prestigious Phillips Academy.\" \" And then onto Radcliffe.\" \" Yes.\" \"Where you would meet the future vice president.\" \"Back then, just a dashing law student.\" \"I never dreamed he would become vice president, of course.\" \"Some people think that your marriage may be a bit more calculated than you let on.\" \"That perhaps he needed your family's money.\" \" No, that's just not true.\" \" Your father did contribute an awful lot\" \" to his campaign.\" \" Yes, he did, because he believed in Francis.\" \"Would he have won that campaign had it not been for your father's contributions?\" \"I don't know.\" \"I mean, it certainly helped.\" \"But I like to think that it was Francis's ideas and leadership that convinced voters, not just TV commercials.\" \" You've been married 27 years.\" \" That's right.\" \"You were just in school.\" \"I mean, you married so young.\" \"We did, but when you've found the one...\" \"Well, Francis was the one.\" \" You call him Francis.\" \" Back home they call him Frank, still.\" \"But he likes that I call him Francis.\" \"He said that it makes him sound more sophisticated.\" \" Is it hard being a politician's wife?\" \" It's thrilling.\" \" Not without its challenges.\" \" Always in the background.\" \"Subsuming your goals for his goals.\" \"Well, I don't see it that way.\" \"We're two very independent people who have chosen to live our lives together.\" \"I support him.\" \"He supports me.\" \"Which, you know, goes back to the political partnership.\" \"My husband happens to be a politician.\" \"And I happen to do political work.\" \"But our partnership extends far beyond that.\" \"Children.\" \"Was that a sacrifice?\" \"Because you haven't had any.\" \"Francis and I wanted to devote our lives to public service.\" \"And we didn't feel that we could both do that and be the parents we wanted to be.\" \"So we made the choice.\" \" We've heard that answer before.\" \" Sorry?\" \"You have given the exact same answer in previous interviews.\" \"Because it's the truth.\" \"Forgive me, but career and timing, those are often very convenient answers.\" \"It is true that whatever it takes for people to get from \"maybe\" to \"yes\"\" \" never arrived for me.\" \" Never felt the pressure?\" \"No... maternal instinct?\" \" No.\" \" And it was a choice?\" \"It wasn't because you couldn't have any?\" \"Francis and I did what was right for us.\" \"Because it is unusual, I mean, even now, for politicians at the executive level not to have children.\" \"Yes, it is.\" \"In your husband's second congressional campaign, there was a Republican, a pro-family candidate, who made some pretty unsettling accusations.\" \"Well, Francis is a Southern Democrat.\" \"We have thick skins.\" \"He suggested, in order to keep your husband's political career on track...\" \"Children are the center of many people's lives.\" \"And I think they just want to make sure that their representatives will fight for their children's dreams.\" \"And Francis has again and again proven that he will.\" \"And he will continue to do so as vice president.\" \"He claimed that you may have been pregnant during the campaign.\" \"Was there a pregnancy?\" \"Have you ever been pregnant?\" \" Break.\" \"Now.\" \" That's not gonna happen.\" \"Yes.\" \" During the campaign?\" \" Before.\" \" Was it a miscarriage?\" \" No.\" \"Did you...\" \"Did you terminate the pregnancy?\" \"If I said yes, my husband's political career would be in jeopardy.\" \"My faith would be questioned.\" \"Likely, my life would be threatened.\" \"But I won't feel ashamed.\" \"Yes, I was pregnant.\" \"And, yes, I had an abortion.\" \" Can you excuse me for one moment?\" \" Of course.\" \"We'll have more of our live interview with Claire Underwood in a moment.\" \"That took a lot of guts.\" \"Yes, it did.\" \"No.\" \"It'll look like I am ashamed.\" \"I'm not.\" \"And I won't.\" \"Nothing you can say will make this any better.\" \" I'd rather deal with...\" \" I'm not going to run from this.\" \"She's going to ask why you had the abortion.\" \"I haven't had one.\" \"I've had three.\" \"Three?\" \"No, you need to stick to one.\" \" OK.\" \"Fine.\" \" Tell me what you'll say.\" \"Well, I can't use the real reason.\" \"The first two, I was a teenager and I was reckless.\" \"What about the third?\" \"Well, the article that she showed, it's right.\" \"I was on the pill, it didn't work.\" \"We talked about having the baby,\" \" and then we decided against it.\" \" Why?\" \" Because we were focused on the campaign.\" \" How many weeks in?\" \" Sixteen.\" \" You can't say any of this.\" \"Go upstairs.\" \"I'll deal with Ashleigh.\" \"If we're going to continue, we've got about 20 seconds.\" \" Connor, I...\" \" Please trust me.\" \"You'll be making a big mistake.\" \"Are you willing to discuss the circumstances...\" \"I became pregnant as a result of a sexual assault.\" \" Are you saying that you... you were...\" \" Raped.\" \"You've never spoken publicly about this before.\" \"No one ever asked.\" \"Can you tell us what happened?\" \"It was college.\" \"A classmate.\" \"We were dating and it happened on a...\" \"We had a fight, and he forced himself on me.\" \"Did you tell anybody about it, I mean, did he...?\" \" Was he charged?\" \" No.\" \"Because at the time I felt that I was somehow at fault.\" \"I knew I wasn't.\" \"But I just didn't want to be stared at.\" \"I didn't want to be known as the girl who got raped.\" \"And when I became pregnant, I wasn't gonna drop out of school.\" \"I wasn't going to let this man ruin my life.\" \"So I made a choice.\" \"I ended it.\" \"But if you never told anybody about it, the assailant could still be out there.\" \"Can you tell us anything about him?\" \"I saw him for the first time in almost 30 years just a few months ago.\" \"Where?\" \"At a commissioning ceremony that Francis and I attended.\" \" Did you speak to him?\" \" Briefly.\" \" Francis pinned stars on him.\" \" He was being commissioned?\" \"General Dalton McGinnis.\" \"And for the record, Francis has always known about the assault, he just didn't know the name.\" \"And he's been nothing but supportive all these years.\" \"We're gonna have to reach out to the general for a response to what you just said.\" \"Would you mind if we took a quick break?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"We'll be right back with Mrs. Claire Underwood.\" \"Take all the time you need.\" \"The lab tests all came back negative, sir.\" \" What was it?\" \" Talcum powder laced with flour.\" \"It was pesticide from the wheat that gave us the false positive.\" \" So are we free to go?\" \" Yes, sir.\" \" Nancy!\" \"Tell them I'm on my way down.\" \" I already did.\" \" Mind if I use your phone?\" \" Of course.\" \"And Donald, I'm gonna get you that research funding, no matter how the vote goes.\" \"It's your call, because I'm still voting against it.\" \" I understand.\" \" You have a brave wife, Frank.\" \"So do you, Donald.\" \" Frank!\" \" How did you do?\" \"We're down four.\" \"How about Blythe?\" \" He won't budge.\" \" What did you offer him?\" \"Alzheimer's research.\" \"He was insulted.\" \" The vote's in 45 minutes.\" \" I need to get to Claire.\" \" Who should I call from the car?\" \" We have exhausted our options.\" \"It's Blythe's people or it won't pass.\" \" They're too loyal to him.\" \" Hey, go.\" \"I'll figure it out.\" \" I can stay if you need me.\" \" No, get to your wife.\" \"I know where to find you.\" \"Nancy!\" \"I need every ream of paper you have!\" \"And get me dollies!\" \"Almost done.\" \"Twenty more minutes.\" \"I hate lying.\" \" Did he do it?\" \" Yes.\" \" Then don't feel bad.\" \" What if he denies it?\" \"Then we'll cross that bridge.\" \" Connor?\" \" Give us one more minute.\" \"We have a young woman on the phone, a private.\" \"She says she was also assaulted by the general.\" \"Two years ago.\" \"She wants to share her story, but she won't give her name.\" \"We can't put her on if she's anonymous.\" \" You want me to convince her?\" \" She's frightened.\" \"Is she still on the phone?\" \"I've never told anyone.\" \"It took me almost half my life before I could say anything.\" \"But you can say something now.\" \"I don't know.\" \"Just think of how many others there must have been.\" \"But you want me to talk.\" \"Well, would you have called if you didn't want to?\" \"I didn't think I'd have to use my name.\" \"Listen, I understand you're afraid of the consequence.\" \"I'm a private.\" \"He's a general.\" \"And my husband is the vice president of the United States.\" \"We will protect you.\" \"I promise you that.\" \"What's your name?\" \"Private Megan Hennessey.\" \" What is this?\" \" The names of every person in America who will lose home care when the freeze sets in.\" \"Who will lose half their welfare benefits.\" \"Who will go on furlough.\" \"Who will lose their student loans, transportation services, post-combat counseling.\" \"Shall I go on?\" \"This is about the big picture, Jacqueline.\" \"This picture looks pretty big to me.\" \"I can't vote for the package.\" \"Then don't.\" \"Just get four of your people to do it.\" \"And then, work with me after we avoid the freeze.\" \"I'm not Frank Underwood.\" \"At least two other girls that same year.\" \"If that was true for all the years he's served...\" \" It's just staggering.\" \"  And I've felt so helpless.\" \"And he keeps rising in the ranks.\" \"The system protects him.\" \"Why do you think no one has ever reported him?\" \"Do you want to join her?\" \" We know it won't do anything.\" \"No.\" \"Chain of command.\" \"It's inexcusable that you're willing to put your life on the line to defend our freedom, and yet you don't feel the freedom to come forward.\" \"I love my country, and I love serving in the Marines.\" \"But not like this.\" \"Private Hennessey, thank you for your courage in joining us tonight.\" \"It was Mrs. Underwood who gave me the courage.\" \"Mrs. Underwood, thank you for your honesty.\" \"Sir, your wife is on the phone.\" \"You've given us a great deal to think about.\" \"Thank you, Ashleigh.\" \"And that concludes our live one-on-one exclusive interview with Claire Underwood.\" \"You can watch the entire interview on our website.\" \"And as always, we invite you to give us your thoughts and your comments on Facebook and on Twitter.\" \"But for now, thanks for watching and good night.\" \"And we're out.\" \"This is going to make waves like you never imagined.\" \"Thank you.\" \" Where's Carter?\" \" You'll be reporting to me now.\" \" And who are you?\" \" Carter's boss.\" \"You're doing good work, Gavin.\" \"But you can't be assaulting the target.\" \"That could compromise us.\" \"I don't even know why you're going after this guy.\" \"He's small-time.\" \" That's not your concern.\" \" He couldn't write a line of code to save his life.\" \"He intends to commit an act of cyberterrorism.\" \"Well, that's intention, not capability.\" \"He's not a real threat.\" \"Maybe Carter talked things out with you.\" \"I won't.\" \" How much longer?\" \" Until what?\" \" Until I can stop.\" \" You prefer prison?\" \"I've given you eight child pornographers, three botnet masters.\" \"But you still haven't given us AVunit.\" \"I told Carter I don't know where he is.\" \" Yes, you do.\" \" I don't.\" \"Nobody does.\" \"Then what about your friends in Dec Sec?\" \"I'm not giving you my friends.\" \"Then you can keep doing this.\" \"You're a productive asset, Gavin.\" \"But the moment you stop being productive, no lawyer can help you.\" \"I wish we had the real thing right now.\" \" Always prepared.\" \" Francis.\" \" I've missed this.\" \" So have I.\" \"Shouldn't you be on the phone getting your accolades?\" \"They can wait till tomorrow.\" \"Sing me something.\" \" What do you want to hear?\" \" Anything.\""], ["\"Hello.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"I had to go, okay?\" \"Because I have to introduce the ten stories.\" \"I told you this before.\" \"We'll talk about this when you get home, all right?\" \"I'm late enough as it is.\" \"Ten commandments, ten stories, all right?\" \"You knew what you were getting into\" \"When you married me.\" \"This is what I do.\" \"Hello?\" \"Hello?\" \"Unbelievable.\" \"Hi, I'm Jeff Reigert.\" \"Okay, good.\" \"So I've got the ten commandments over there,\" \"And I'm gonna give you ten stories.\" \"Each one of them correlates to one of the commandments.\" \"So let's get right into it.\" \"Sorry I was late, by the way.\" \"Long story short, my wife\" \"You know, I'm not gonna go into this.\" \"All right, long story short,\" \"My wife and I were at Bed Bath and Beyond.\" \"We'd agreed to go in beforehand\" \"Because she wanted to buy a hand blender and leave.\" \"I mean, we weren't gonna make a big day shopping, because\" \"You know what?\" \"I'm not gonna get into this.\" \"This is just gonna get me really upset.\" \"And besides, you didn't-- you didn't come here\" \"To listen to my shit, all right?\" \"I came here to give you these ten stories,\" \"And we're already running a little bit late,\" \"So why don't we just do it to it, right?\" \"Let's get this party started.\" \"Story number one.\" \"Okay, is it on?\" \"Hey, everybody, it's me, Stephen,\" \"Logging my first-ever solo jump!\" \"are you nervous?\" \"Nah, are you joking, Kelly?\" \"I'm more nervous about us getting married.\" \"Bring it on!\" \"aw, you're nervous!\" \"Wow!\" \"Look at how high up we are!\" \"It's like that line from the movie titanic.\" \"\"I want you to draw me like one of your French girls,\" \"\"wearing this,\" \"Wearing only this.\"\" \"Okay, let's do it to it.\" \"Let's get this party started.\" \"Whoo!\" \"Uh, excuse me.\" \"Forgot his chute.\" \"please tell me you're goofing.\" \"No, I don't goof.\" \"Oh, god!\" \"Stephen!\" \"Stephen!\" \"Stephen, oh, my god!\" \"Are you okay?\" \"Oh, god!\" \"Are you okay?\" \"No, not really.\" \"his vitals are all okay.\" \"But his body is so deeply embedded into the ground\" \"That any movement at all\" \"Would kill him.\" \"Well, what am I supposed to do?\" \"I mean, just\" \"Just leave my fiance here in the ground?\" \"Yes.\" \"But other than that, I suggest that you both try\" \"To go about your normal routine.\" \"Okay?\" \"We good?\" \"Stay out of the sun.\" \"Ooh, you know what would be fun for us, hon?\" \"There's a jazz show coming to town tomorrow,\" \"And we could\" \"Never mind.\" \"Sorry, what'd you say?\" \"Nothing.\" \"I said, \"how's it going, babe?\"\" \"Awful,\" \"Fucking awful.\" \"Okay, we're live in 30 seconds, Louis.\" \"How are the wedding plans coming, by the way?\" \"Good.\" \"Yeah, we were gonna get married\" \"At my parents' beach house in--in Bar Harbor\" \"Oh, god, I love Bar Harbor.\" \"I know.\" \"It's so nice.\" \"But now it looks like it's gonna be happening here.\" \"Uh-huh.\" \"Yeah, he'll be, you know, there,\" \"And I'll be\" \"I promised myself I wouldn't cry.\" \"Shh, shh, shh.\" \"No, no, no.\" \"It's okay.\" \"It's okay.\" \"God, you smell good.\" \"Is that coffee breath?\" \"Okay, in five, four...\" \"Tell me later.\" \"Three, two\" \"Thanks, Jim.\" \"I'm here in a field outside of Holmesdale,\" \"Where Stephen Montgomery has been stuck here\" \"In the ground for the past two months.\" \"I'm sure you're aware\" \"That you've become quite a sensation,\" \"A hero of sorts.\" \"You have any words of wisdom\" \"For your growing group of fans?\" \"No, not really.\" \"No, not really.\" \"He's a man of few words but many followers,\" \"Whether it be the kids that line up day and night\" \"To catch a glimpse of him\" \"Or 12-year-old Dorothy Sheen,\" \"Whose Halloween costume this year\" \"Is just a little bit underground.\" \"I'm Stephen Montgomery.\" \"If you move me, I'll die.\" \"Even Governor Hutchins was catching Montgomery fever.\" \"We're gonna do to unemployment\" \"What Stephen Montgomery did to his body.\" \"We're gonna bury it in the ground\" \"And make sure it doesn't move.\" \"I'm gonna give it to you straight, kid,\" \"Because that's my style.\" \"You're not funny.\" \"Your act is stale.\" \"You will never make it in this town.\" \"Now, get out of my office.\" \"How do people like that get in here?\" \"She said she had an appointment.\" \"It won't happen again.\" \"Better not.\" \"Sir, Stephen Montgomery on line one.\" \"Stephen,\" \"Fielding Barnes.\" \"I want to make you a TV star.\" \"What do you say?\" \"Don't you knock, Fred?\" \"I would, but if I knock like everybody else,\" \"How would you know it's me?\" \"Where's Stephen?\" \"Right here where he always is.\" \"hey, Stephen.\" \"I got two tickets to the world series.\" \"You want to go?\" \"No, not really.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I can't move, Fred.\" \"And if I did, I'd most likely die.\" \"# two feet firm in the ground. # # ain't no turning around. # # no, not really. # # my time is coming to town, # # and there ain't no shaking it. #\" \"we're all dying to know, does your character ever get it on with Carol?\" \"Look, I don't want to give too much away here.\" \"But I will say this:\" \"Probably not, for obvious reasons.\" \"# eyes on the stars and head in the clouds. # # love in the sun. # # no losing allowed. #\" \"Two years ago, I didn't have a chance in this industry.\" \"When the Montgomery show hit,\" \"Every agent in town called me.\" \"The world just kind of takes you on a ride.\" \"You just sit back.\" \"I mean, I have to.\" \"Can't really move.\" \"# ooh, ooh, ah!\" \"# # two feet firm in the ground. # # no, not really. #\" \"I just started to use this instrument right here.\" \"I'm a trailblazer, biatch.\" \"I don't even want to think what my torso could do.\" \"I think it's pretty safe to say I'm the Marlon Brando of heads.\" \"America loves my shit, dog.\" \"Stephen Montgomery:\" \"Hero, superstar,\" \"God.\" \"This just in:\" \"Tragedy strikes in Texas as a group of teens\" \"Intentionally jumps out of a plane without parachutes.\" \"Obviously a copycat incident,\" \"They were imitating the man they worshipped as a god,\" \"Stephen Montgomery.\" \"Details and reaction at 11:00.\" \"turn that shit off!\" \"Stephen, what is going on here?\" \"Who are all these people?\" \"Kelly, it's not what you think.\" \"How's it going, baby?\" \"Kelly, wait a second.\" \"Kelly, wait!\" \"Wait!\" \"Ah!\" \"I can't move!\" \"Damn it, I can't move!\" \"Oh!\" \"Ahh!\" \"I think I'm allergic to shrimp.\" \"Louis!\" \"Louis.\" \"Kelly?\" \"I have no one to turn to.\" \"Shh.\" \"Look, it's okay.\" \"Listen to me.\" \"I'm gonna take care of you now.\" \"Really?\" \"Sure.\" \"Come on.\" \"# lift me up into the heavens. # # you lift me up beyond the sky. # okay, going up in five...\" \"Look out.\" \"Four, three...\" \"What does a monkey at the zoo\" \"Have in common with a fig newton?\" \"Nothing, right?\" \"Think again.\" \"They're both sometimes brown.\" \"Stephen, I have bad news.\" \"The show's cancelled.\" \"The ratings have been slipping,\" \"And your offscreen antics in the tabloids\" \"Haven't been helping.\" \"I thought she was 18.\" \"Doesn't matter, Stephen.\" \"She was your niece.\" \"I thought she was once removed.\" \"Doesn't matter, Stephen.\" \"You had sex with her.\" \"I thought I was fingering her.\" \"It feels the same to her.\" \"Don't you get it, Stephen?\" \"Well, then, shit, fielding.\" \"Get me another jo--what have you got lined up for me?\" \"I've got nothing, Stephen.\" \"Let's face it.\" \"The majority of jobs are for actors\" \"Who can get off the floor without dying.\" \"I--Stephen, I don't make the rules.\" \"That's the climate of the marketplace these days.\" \"I--I--I got to get this.\" \"I got--hello!\" \"Johnny Frankel,\" \"My favorite client, who's stuck in an elevator.\" \"What's up, man?\" \"But listen, you got to decide quickly,\" \"Because at the end of the day,\" \"Let's not jerk each other off here.\" \"You're not going to be stuck on that elevator forever.\" \"You know that.\" \"What happened to Stephen Montgomery?\" \"For the past three years,\" \"Stephen has stayed out of the limelight,\" \"Choosing a quiet life\" \"Stuck in the ground-- always.\" \"I used to like him,\" \"And now I hate him.\" \"Wow.\" \"Thank you so much, Louis.\" \"And that's all the news for tonight.\" \"I'm Bream Benson.\" \"And I'm Jim Stansel.\" \"Good night.\" \"See how that works?\" \"That was the first one, and now we have nine more,\" \"The total being ten.\" \"And you know what ten is.\" \"Ten is.\" \"Tennis?\" \"Tennis, anyone?\" \"It's like I can't even reserve a court\" \"Unless it's a holiday weekend.\" \"Anyway, let's do the second story, shall we?\" \"No, no, don't help me or anything.\" \"Oh, I--I didn't know you were here.\" \"Of course you didn't.\" \"God forbid you notice anybody but yourself.\" \"Gretchen\" \"Jeff, don't test me today, okay?\" \"You will lose.\" \"Did you see that?\" \"Am I crazy?\" \"I didn't know she was here.\" \"God, she's getting to the point where, literally,\" \"There isn't a thing that I can do that's\" \"We used to talk about how we'd never fight like that.\" \"We used to laugh at those people.\" \"I would break a blood vessel, I would laugh so hard.\" \"You know how they say laughter's the best medicine?\" \"No, I would need medicine\" \"To put on my broken blood vessel.\" \"That's how hard I was laughing.\" \"It was a topical ointment.\" \"I don't remember what it was called.\" \"It's been so many years\" \"Since I laughed so hard and broke a blood vessel\" \"That I would even need the ointment.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"I don't mean to burden you with this\" \"Oxydine Three.\" \"Oxydine Three, that's what-- that was what\" \"The name of the ointment.\" \"Anyway, let's get back to our ten stories.\" \"Here we go with number two,\" \"The duck, the deuce,\" \"Number two.\" \"Poop.\" \"Hola.\" \"Como esta?\" \"Estoy bien.\" \"Hola.\" \"Como esta?\" \"Estoy bien.\" \"Estoy bien.\" \"Te quiero, mi amor.\" \"Brushing up on your spanish?\" \"Yes.\" \"Wait a minute.\" \"Si.\" \"Ooh, that was very good.\" \"Sounds just like my nanny.\" \"Gracias.\" \"Mm-mm, that wasn't as good.\" \"You had me at \"si,\"\" \"But then you lost me at \"gracias.\"\" \"Anyway, I want you to meet Tony.\" \"He's gonna be filling in for you\" \"While you're in Mejico all summer.\" \"Very good, Oliver.\" \"You used the native pronunciation,\" \"Which includes the \"x\" having an \"h\" sound.\" \"Mejico.\" \"See how much fun we have together, Gloria?\" \"When are you gonna get over yourself\" \"And go out with me already?\" \"I wish I felt that way, but I don't.\" \"Well, you can't blame a gal for trying every day\" \"For five years.\" \"At any rate, I want you to meet Tony,\" \"Your temporary replacement.\" \"Hey, how's it going?\" \"Oh, didn't see you there.\" \"Oh.\" \"Hello.\" \"Sorry, is that better?\" \"Much.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Well, the filing system is over here.\" \"I've written down the instructions\" \"For the voice mail here.\" \"And if you need anything, you can call me\" \"Gloria, relax.\" \"Take your vacation.\" \"Go wild.\" \"Have fun.\" \"Tony can handle things.\" \"Right, Tony?\" \"Yup.\" \"Maybe you're right.\" \"Gracias.\" \"I\" \"Yes?\" \"I want to\" \"Yes?\" \"I want to...\" \"Fuck your tits.\" \"Yes?\" \"No, no.\" \"I don't think that's what you're trying to say.\" \"One moment.\" \"One--one moment.\" \"guerita, guerita,\" \"Try these.\" \"Very juicy.\" \"Gracias.\" \"Hey, senorita!\" \"Tres pesos for the mango!\" \"Gloria.\" \"Gracias, Alfonzo, but...\" \"Yo estoy tired\" \"From el air-o plane-o.\" \"Mm.\" \"Gloria,\" \"This is Jesus.\" \"Nice to meet you.\" \"Encantado.\" \"# El Fuego, El Fuego. # # quiero what you got. #\" \"# El Fuego, El Fuego # # is caliente, hot. #\" \"# El Fuego, El Fuego. #\" \"# Quiero what you got. #\" \"# El Fuego, El Fuego # # is caliente, hot. #\" \"# El Fuego, El Fuego. #\" \"# Quiero what you got. #\" \"# El Fuego, El Fuego. #\" \"Oh, Jesus.\" \"No, no, no.\" \"Gloria...\" \"Yeah, si, Pero...\" \"Okay.\" \"Wow.\" \"Hey, hey!\" \"and this we pray to you, our Lord and Savior,\" \"Jesus Christ.\" \"Oh, Oliver.\" \"Yes, Oliver.\" \"Oh, yeah.\" \"Oh, Jesus.\" \"Whoa, whoa, whoa.\" \"Who the hell is this Jesus guy?\" \"Nobody, Oliver.\" \"Don't overreact.\" \"I'm not overreacting.\" \"I mean, how would you like it\" \"If I yelled out Patricia's name\" \"In the middle of sex?\" \"Nine...\" \"Ten.\" \"Sorry about that.\" \"I'm a bit of a health fiend.\" \"Since when do you exercise?\" \"What are you talking about?\" \"I found this downstairs.\" \"I thought I'd give my pecs a little juice.\" \"Give your pecs a little juice?\" \"What?\" \"Juicing my pecs.\" \"I don't know.\" \"Something you're not telling me about the pec juice.\" \"W--w--what do you think, Gretchen?\" \"I'm screwing around on you?\" \"Oh, wait, no.\" \"Let me guess.\" \"I met some girl at a coffee shop,\" \"And we made jokes about the little cardboard things\" \"You put over a cup so you don't burn your hands,\" \"And then we went out to my car, and I screwed her twice?\" \"I wasn't saying that at all.\" \"Well, then can I\" \"Oh, please, do your thing.\" \"Jeez, you hear that, guys?\" \"Questioning my pec juice.\" \"My pec juice.\" \"Sorry, I didn't mean to get off track.\" \"Where\" \"Oh, yeah, that's right.\" \"Here's the third story.\" \"Scalpel.\" \"Scalpel.\" \"forceps.\" \"Forceps.\" \"Gesundheit.\" \"Thank you.\" \"Grover Shepherd scissors.\" \"Grover Shepherd scissors.\" \"Okay, sew her up.\" \"Good work, Dr. Richie.\" \"Thanks, Nancy.\" \"Ooh!\" \"Oh, it hurts!\" \"Oh!\" \"Every time I move!\" \"You're gonna be okay.\" \"Hey, hey, hey, sounds like there's a cougar in here.\" \"How we doing today?\" \"Thank god you're here, Dr. Richie.\" \"She's been in horrible pain like this since the operation.\" \"yeah.\" \"Yeah, yeah.\" \"Oh, yeah, I'm sure she has been.\" \"Here, come take a look.\" \"Okay.\" \"See this?\" \"This is Sheila one hour post-op.\" \"And it's my educated guess\" \"That the sharp cutting blades\" \"Of the Grover Shepherd medical scissors\" \"Is what's causing most of the pain.\" \"You left a pair of scissors inside of my wife?\" \"Yes, that's correct.\" \"How can you make a mistake like that?\" \"Oh, no, no, no, no, no.\" \"No, it wasn't a mistake.\" \"I did it as a goof.\" \"You goofed?\" \"No, no, no.\" \"Relax.\" \"As a goof.\" \"I did it as a goof.\" \"I-I-I don't get it.\" \"Well, clearly, you just don't know me.\" \"I goof a lot.\" \"My friends know\" \"That at least half the time,\" \"I am goofing.\" \"The thing is,\" \"You need to understand my sense of humor.\" \"I think that's it.\" \"Nancy, you were here\" \"When I was operating on this woman.\" \"I dropped the scissors in her belly.\" \"Why did I do that?\" \"If I remember correctly, you did it as a goof.\" \"Satisfied?\" \"Is there anything else\" \"Listen, you son of a bitch.\" \"I want you to get that thing out of my wife's stomach now!\" \"Sheila?\" \"Baby?\" \"Oh, she's dead.\" \"What?\" \"Wait, is this a goof?\" \"Is this\" \"No, she's dead.\" \"Do you still want me\" \"To take the scissors out-- mm, probably not.\" \"You murdered my wife!\" \"Hey, guy, as a goof,\" \"Guy, as a goof.\" \"You know what?\" \"You're bad vibes.\" \"I got to blow.\" \"Man, it's not rocket science.\" \"So let me get this straight.\" \"You're saying you dropped a surgical instrument\" \"Into Mrs. Contiella's body knowingly and deliberately.\" \"I have been an exemplary surgeon\" \"For the last 20 years, a good citizen,\" \"A father, a family man,\" \"A husband.\" \"Did you deliberately put the scissors into Mrs. Contiella's body?\" \"I would never, under any circumstances,\" \"Do anything to harm a patient unless I was doing it as a goof.\" \"Did you put the scissors in?\" \"I am a practicing physician, sir.\" \"Did you put the scissors in?\" \"For the last 20 years\" \"Did you put the scissors in?\" \"I am not gonna entertain\" \"Did you put the scissors in?\" \"As a goddamn goof!\" \"Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury,\" \"I like a goof as much as the next guy.\" \"Hell, in college, me and my polack roommate\" \"Once duct-taped this oriental guy\" \"To the inside of the trunk of my Corvette.\" \"So I get a goof.\" \"But there is a goof,\" \"And then there is murder.\" \"Objection.\" \"Sustained.\" \"Overruled.\" \"Goofing.\" \"It's just\" \"It's one of the many examples of\" \"I have heard enough.\" \"I hereby sentence you to life in prison\" \"For the murder of Sheila Contiella.\" \"Uh, Your Honor.\" \"Don't we get a say in this?\" \"Sure.\" \"You want to go through the whole rigmarole?\" \"Be my guest.\" \"court is back in session.\" \"Please rise for the Honorable Sophia R. Jackson.\" \"Have you reached a verdict?\" \"We have, Your Honor.\" \"We, The Jury,\" \"Find the defendant\" \"Guilty\" \"Of murder in the first degree.\" \"Uh, not to be a dick about this,\" \"But didn't I say that about three hours ago?\" \"But you insisted on going in there and\" \"But, your honor, that's how the judicial system works.\" \"Oh, is that how the judicial system works?\" \"Please, please, tell her honor more\" \"About how it all works.\" \"I would really like to know.\" \"So the verdict is, as I said before,\" \"Life in prison for Dr. Richie.\" \"Is this a goof?\" \"I don't think so.\" \"If I could, I'd sentence all 12 of you\" \"To death by my foot up your ass.\" \"Fucking assholes.\" \"Thank you, your honor.\" \"Uh,\" \"You,\" \"You're disbarred.\" \"Me?\" \"Why?\" \"What am I gonna do?\" \"I hear they're hiring tour guides\" \"At the nuclear power plant.\" \"That could work, I suppose.\" \"The hours have got to be better than this.\" \"You've been very sweet during all this.\" \"Thank you.\" \"From now on, you Big Buster's wife.\" \"Oh, no, no, no, no, no.\" \"I'm-- I'm already taken,\" \"So you're probably gonna have to find somebody else.\" \"You'd better shut the fuck up and start sucking my dick.\" \"I'm goofing.\" \"Oh.\" \"Yeah, okay.\" \"Very good.\" \"Okay.\" \"No, I'm not.\" \"Do it.\" \"Mm!\" \"Are you sure your wife is gonna be gone all day?\" \"Oh, yeah.\" \"Yeah, she's disassembling the basketball court\" \"And putting in an ice rink.\" \"Plus, half her crew didn't show up,\" \"So she won't be home for hours; trust me.\" \"Oh, I don't know.\" \"I mean\" \"Well, what's the alternative?\" \"We go to your place?\" \"Your roommate's a modern-day Gloria Steinem.\" \"I'll be making love with you,\" \"And she'll be in the room next door\" \"Having a bra-burning session.\" \"What's so terrible about women's lib?\" \"You know, I think they make some really good points.\" \"Don't get me wrong.\" \"I'm all for equal pay.\" \"But there are some differences beyond just the plumbing.\" \"Do I want you on the front lines?\" \"I don't think so.\" \"The Russians will come in with their guns a-blazin',\" \"And you guys will be out powdering your boobs.\" \"You know I get so hot when you talk politics.\" \"So when you gonna break up with Gretchen?\" \"Soon.\" \"Soon.\" \"But you've made promises to me!\" \"I--I know.\" \"Liz, it's complicated.\" \"You have to be patient.\" \"I know.\" \"I\" \"I'll tell Gretchen this week.\" \"Here's the next story.\" \"Mm.\" \"I'm getting excited.\" \"Can you feel me?\" \"There you go.\" \"Ahh!\" \"There you go.\" \"There you go.\" \"Oh, you did it.\" \"Is it a boy or a girl?\" \"Let me put it this way:\" \"the first one's a boy.\" \"And here comes boy number two.\" \"oh, My God!\" \"Oh!\" \"Are there any more in there, vagina?\" \"I love it!\" \"Oh.\" \"They're my little guys.\" \"Oh, I am gonna love you till the day I die.\" \"Now that Dad's gone and we're grown up,\" \"We think it's time for you to tell us the truth.\" \"About what?\" \"About the fact that you and Dad are white\" \"And we're black.\" \"Ah, right.\" \"Yeah, I had a feeling this day would come.\" \"The year before you were born,\" \"I was the entertainment reporter for the local newspaper.\" \"And I had an opportunity to interview all the big stars:\" \"Denzel Washington, Morgan Freeman,\" \"Sidney Poitier, everybody.\" \"And even though I was married to your father\" \"And very, very much in love with him,\" \"From time to time, after the interviews,\" \"These stars would...\" \"Fuck me.\" \"Mom, cut to the chase.\" \"Did you have sex with these guys or not?\" \"Well, as I said\" \"Who's our biological father?\" \"So one night after an interview,\" \"I took the opportunity\" \"To fuck Arnold Schwarzenegger.\" \"And?\" \"Do you need me to spell it out for you?\" \"Yes.\" \"Yes.\" \"I...\" \"F-u-c-k-e-d...\" \"A-r-n-o-l-d\" \"S-c-h\" \"Mom-- let her finish.\" \"W-a-r-e-n...\" \"E-g-g...\" \"E-r.\" \"So you're saying Arnold Schwarzenegger's\" \"Our biological father?\" \"Yes.\" \"It's why you're both so tall.\" \"I always told everyone\" \"It was because you got too much sun.\" \"But how can you be sure it's\" \"I'm positive.\" \"He was the only man I was with during that time.\" \"And I took the blood test to prove it.\" \"How does that explain the dark color of our skin?\" \"I know.\" \"I know.\" \"Believe me, I know.\" \"Boys, since our conversation,\" \"I've been thinking about it a lot.\" \"And I've decided it's best\" \"For you to meet your real father.\" \"Really?\" \"Yes.\" \"So without further ado,\" \"You knew \"he'd be back,\"\" \"And here is\" \"The man, the machine, your dad,\" \"The incomparable Arnold Schwarzenegger.\" \"hello, my sons.\" \"I'm Arnold.\" \"So thrilled to finally meet my two boys.\" \"It will be fantastic.\" \"Do you want to go around throw outside the ball,\" \"Something like this?\" \"Mom, that's not Arnold Schwarzenegger.\" \"Arnold, could you wait in the living room\" \"For just a second?\" \"Of course.\" \"I'll be back.\" \"Look, I tried to get in touch with Arnold,\" \"But he's a major politician now,\" \"And I couldn't even get past the receptionist.\" \"That guy\" \"Does corporate events as Arnold,\" \"So I thought at least it would give you an idea\" \"Of what it'd be like to have him around.\" \"Okay, mom.\" \"Thanks.\" \"We'll try to make it work.\" \"That's my beautiful boys.\" \"I'm back.\" \"Oh, hey...\" \"Dad.\" \"Son.\" \"Oh, here we go.\" \"Get him!\" \"Get him!\" \"I'm gonna get you!\" \"Oh, good one.\" \"Okay.\" \"You split right.\" \"Split left.\" \"Fantastic!\" \"Okay, here we go.\" \"Oh, dear.\" \"I know this time for you two\" \"Must have been very difficult\" \"On so many levels.\" \"One, your father passing away\" \"Not more than a week ago\" \"At the young age of 42,\" \"Finally succumbing,\" \"After a courageous battle with liver cancer.\" \"Two, the revelation\" \"That your real biological father\" \"Is none other than international-movie-megastar\" \"Turned-California-Governor.\" \"You know who he is, Arnold Schwarzenegger.\" \"And three,\" \"Having me, Marc Jacobson,\" \"Second-rate stand-up comedian\" \"Doing 24-hour-day impression of Arnold\" \"In the effort to make you comfor-tay-ble--comfortable.\" \"Com-for-table?\" \"And four, the ongoing confusion over the fact\" \"That you have two white biological parents\" \"And yet you yourselves\" \"Are quite obviously dark-skinned African-American boys.\" \"Must be hard.\" \"That really sums it up.\" \"You know, you don't always have to do the Arnold voice\" \"If you don't want to.\" \"Listen, to be honest with you,\" \"Sometimes it's easier for me to express my true feelings\" \"While doing this impersonation.\" \"There are things\" \"That Arnold Schwarzenegger can say\" \"That Marc Jacobson can't.\" \"Or won't.\" \"Come on, race you back to the house!\" \"I let you win on purpose.\" \"You know I let you win.\" \"Oh, look at my boys all sweaty.\" \"Mom, was the real Arnold Schwarzenegger\" \"As nice as this one?\" \"Well, I haven't thought about that night in years.\" \"But if I remember...\" \"Oh, my god.\" \"You're gonna hate me for this.\" \"I made a little boo-boo.\" \"It wasn't Arnold Schwarzenegger.\" \"It was Arsenio Hall.\" \"well, that explains a lot.\" \"So good to finally know the real truth.\" \"What about the blood test you were talking about?\" \"They were for Arsenio Hall.\" \"Oh.\" \"So where does that leave me?\" \"Well, can you do Arsenio?\" \"No.\" \"I can do Eddie Murphy.\" \"A while back, I used to do\" \"A pretty good Eddie Murphy.\" \"That's fine.\" \"Same difference.\" \"Yeah?\" \"Okay.\" \"Oh, yeah.\" \"I got some ice cream.\" \"You cannot have none, 'cause you on welfare.\" \"I'm Gumby, damn it.\" \"Psych!\" \"Psych!\" \"Remember?\" \"Yeah.\" \"I got the ice cream.\" \"Yeah.\" \"You may think our family's a little different,\" \"But you know what?\" \"It's our family, and that's what counts.\" \"Who's to say who your father is?\" \"Is it the person who raised you?\" \"Is it the person who gave you your DNA?\" \"Or maybe it's the guy who hangs out in your house\" \"Doing an imitation of a famous comedian\" \"Who is the same race as another famous comedian\" \"Who is your biological father.\" \"If you ask us, it's the last one:\" \"The guy who hangs out at your house\" \"Doing an imitation of a famous comedian\" \"Who's the same race as another famous comedian\" \"Who is your biological father.\" \"I'm Greg Jaffe.\" \"And I'm Taye Jaffe.\" \"and we are the Jaffe brothers.\" \"Good night, folks.\" \"# #\" \"Gretchen is a terrific wife,\" \"But Liz-- she makes me feel young\" \"And vital and vibrant, visceral.\" \"And the sex-- Abe, the sex.\" \"Yeah, but is it worth it, Jeff?\" \"I mean, is it worth throwing away 12 years of marriage\" \"For a momentary thrill?\" \"Monogamy is a myth.\" \"It's a myth.\" \"No, monogamy is what keeps society from crumbling.\" \"That's absolutely not true.\" \"We are biochemically engineered to spread our seed.\" \"And the moment you embrace that truth,\" \"The happier you will be.\" \"I'm happy with Betsy.\" \"He's not.\" \"You're not.\" \"You convinced yourself you are,\" \"But you're not.\" \"I really am.\" \"I mean, is it great 24 hours a day?\" \"No, but I, you know, sleep a lot\" \"To shield out the pain.\" \"If I can get my milk\" \"For free,\" \"You can be damn sure\" \"I'm gonna start fucking cows.\" \"That's easy for you to say.\" \"Literally, I'm literally\" \"You've never been married.\" \"I have kids.\" \"I'm so serious, it's not even funny.\" \"They're the ones that keep me from slitting my wrists\" \"When I wake up in the morning.\" \"You are living in a fantasy world.\" \"Okay, maybe so,\" \"But I take a pill, and I feel better.\" \"Oh, I don't know who to believe.\" \"Abe or Scotty?\" \"Scotty or Abe?\" \"I do know this:\" \"we've got ten stories.\" \"And I'm not gonna let you down.\" \"I promise you that.\" \"son of a bitch.\" \"Paul went and bought himself a CAT Scan Machine.\" \"a CAT Scan Machine?\" \"Like a hospital CAT Scan Machine?\" \"Why would he do that?\" \"That seems ridiculous.\" \"Probably wants to be a hero.\" \"You know what?\" \"We're gonna get a CAT Scan Machine.\" \"Honey, you wouldn't know the first thing\" \"About what to do with a CAT scan.\" \"We'll figure it out.\" \"If I can set up the VCR,\" \"I can set up a CAT Scan Machine.\" \"I set up the VCR.\" \"Ray!\" \"I didn't mean it.\" \"I'm sorry, Jakey.\" \"You know Daddy loves you, right?\" \"# Daddy loves his little boy. #\" \"I did set up the VCR, though.\" \"Ray!\" \"I didn't mean it.\" \"I'm sorry, Jakey.\" \"You know Daddy loves you, right?\" \"# Daddy loves his little boy. #\" \"I love you too, Daddy.\" \"Ray!\" \"What?\" \"Unbelievable.\" \"He bought a CAT scan.\" \"What's the big deal, dad?\" \"Paul!\" \"Oh, my god, Kalen.\" \"I'm so sorry.\" \"Daddy didn't mean it.\" \"Nice and easy.\" \"Watch the curb.\" \"Right up there.\" \"Right upstairs.\" \"Son of a bitch!\" \"I got to get another one.\" \"Jesus Christ, that sneaky son of a bitch.\" \"Come on, Ray.\" \"Don't be ridic--oh!\" \"I'm sorry, honey.\" \"I didn't see you there.\" \"don't look at him.\" \"Don't talk to him.\" \"Get in the car.\" \"wh--why?\" \"What is this about?\" \"this is why.\" \"I don't want to talk to you anymore.\" \"I'm done with you.\" \"Oh!\" \"Son of a bitch!\" \"Hey.\" \"Hey.\" \"You look like shit.\" \"So do you.\" \"Yeah, I\" \"Right.\" \"Let me ask you something.\" \"Do you give the guys that deliver your CAT scan a tip?\" \"I usually throw them five bucks\" \"So they can grab some lunch.\" \"Five bucks?\" \"Where do you get lunch for five bucks?\" \"McDownald's.\" \"Boorger king.\" \"Woondy's.\" \"I love it.\" \"Little changes to the names\" \"Of the most famous fast-food chains.\" \"That's right.\" \"I really do love it, ray.\" \"Thanks.\" \"This is the radioactive core\" \"Where the nuclear power comes from\" \"So you can all plug in your pac-man machines.\" \"Doesn't it look like it's getting too hot in there?\" \"No, no, no.\" \"Don't you worry.\" \"We have a perfect safety record here.\" \"We know what we're doing.\" \"attention.\" \"This is not a drill.\" \"It's happening.\" \"It's happening!\" \"No, no, no, no, no, no!\" \"There are 75 kids out there\" \"Who may have been exposed\" \"To dangerous levels of radiation!\" \"What the hell are we gonna do?\" \"They're at risk unless we can get\" \"All of them tested within the next hour.\" \"Impossible.\" \"Where are we gonna find CAT Scan Machines\" \"For every kid within a ten-mile radius?\" \"I have an idea!\" \"What is it, son?\" \"We don't have much time!\" \"Okay, it's a reality show.\" \"We get ten homeless people,\" \"And America votes on which one gets a penthouse apartment.\" \"What's the hook?\" \"What's the hook?\" \"Is there a host, a celebrity panel?\" \"I don't know!\" \"It's just a seed of an idea.\" \"I haven't really thought it out yet.\" \"All right, there's something to that,\" \"But we're gonna have to talk about it later\" \"When I can really focus.\" \"Wait a second!\" \"Doesn't your dad\" \"Have a whole bunch of CAT Scan Machines?\" \"Oh, come on!\" \"Come on!\" \"Come on!\" \"There's nobody here!\" \"What about your house?\" \"No, there's no one here either!\" \"I don't have my key!\" \"# people are talking, talking 'bout people. #\" \"# I hear them whisper. # # you won't believe it. # # they think we're lovers kept under covers. #\" \"# I just ignore it. #\" \"It's nice to take a break from that CAT Scan mishigas,\" \"Get out of the house.\" \"You said it, neighbor.\" \"Salut.\" \"Clink!\" \"# we stand just a little too close. # # we stare just a little too long. # # maybe they're seeing something we don't, darling. # # let's give them something to talk about. #\" \"open the door.\" \"Open the door.\" \"The kids are just\" \"They're just throwing up and\" \"another beer, gentlemen?\" \"Yeah, I'll take one.\" \"I'll take two.\" \"You son of a bitch.\" \"This guy.\" \"Come on!\" \"Don't you die on me,\" \"Not now, not like this.\" \"We have a breaking news story.\" \"75 children either dead or dying\" \"Of radiation poisoning\" \"As a result of an accident at a nuclear power plant.\" \"Their lives would have been spared\" \"If they'd been able to get access\" \"To either of two houses on Grover Avenue,\" \"Each of which reportedly contains\" \"Dozens of lifesaving CAT Scan Machines\" \"Collected for unknown reasons\" \"By their homeowners, adjacent neighbors\" \"Who are inexplicably nowhere to be found.\" \"Among the many casualties\" \"Was nuclear power plant tour guide\" \"And former criminal prosecutor Barge Michaelson.\" \"The details are sketchy right now,\" \"But we'll keep you updated live as the story develops.\" \"I'm gonna probably head home.\" \"It's late.\" \"Check.\" \"# let's give them something to talk about. # you've been screwing her for a year?\" \"It's over.\" \"Get out.\" \"Gretchen.\" \"Get the fuck out of here!\" \"I'm done with your-- your lies and your apologies\" \"And your fucking stone tablets.\" \"Well, where am i supposed to go?\" \"You can go to hell for all I care.\" \"Go move in with your little home wrecker.\" \"She's not a home wrecker.\" \"She's an avid film buff.\" \"You know that.\" \"She also considers herself a bit of a shutterbug\" \"And a prestidigitator.\" \"You know what, Gretchen?\" \"You know what you can do?\" \"Don't say something you're gonna regret.\" \"Go...\" \"I'm warning you, Jeff.\" \"Fly...\" \"Don't you say it!\" \"Go fly a kite, Gretchen.\" \"Go fly a kite.\" \"You didn't.\" \"You did not.\" \"You motherfucker!\" \"# how about love, love, love?\" \"# okay, okay, something to talk about.\" \"Speaking of something to talk about, today's weather:\" \"Sunny, mild, warm, a little cooler tonight.\" \"Ladies might want to put on a shawl.\" \"Let's get back to continuous music.\" \"# two feet firm in the ground. #\" \"What's up, brother?\" \"Hey.\" \"I don't think we've met.\" \"I'm Duane.\" \"Just transferred from Leavenworth.\" \"Oh, hi.\" \"Pleasure.\" \"Glenn Richie.\" \"Oh, yeah.\" \"You're the doctor that killed one of his patients, right?\" \"Well, it was a goof.\" \"yeah.\" \"Sure, it was a goof.\" \"I get it.\" \"Oh, well, I'm glad somebody finally does.\" \"Oy.\" \"Hey, Glenn,\" \"I haven't been on the outside in such a long time.\" \"Any new good sushi joints open up, or\" \"Oh, well\" \"Oh, were you around when Noshi Sushi opened up?\" \"No, is it good?\" \"Oh, are you kidding me?\" \"These guys got a softshell crab roll.\" \"It is better than a tuna roll.\" \"Come on.\" \"No, I'm telling you.\" \"They got a softshell crab roll better than a tuna roll.\" \"Wow.\" \"So if you ever get out\" \"Well, I'm in for life without parole, so...\" \"Well, if, for whatever reason, you do get out\" \"There won't be a reason.\" \"But we don't get sushi in here, huh?\" \"Oh, I wish we did.\" \"I'm a sushi fiend.\" \"Are you kidding?\" \"I'm addicted to it.\" \"I'm addicted to it.\" \"hey, Paco.\" \"I'm open.\" \"Whatever.\" \"Sorry.\" \"So?\" \"Hey, um, Glenn,\" \"Would you mind sitting and spotting me\" \"While I do some reps?\" \"Oh, wow, Duane, that sounds really nice,\" \"But I don't think it's such a great idea.\" \"I'm kind of with Big Buster.\" \"He--he rapes me every night.\" \"Right, right.\" \"He ass-rapes you, huh?\" \"Yep.\" \"Wow, just my luck.\" \"Should have known you'd be taken.\" \"But we can just do one set, huh?\" \"You know what?\" \"What the hell, right?\" \"It's just two people enjoying each other's company,\" \"Juicing their pecs.\" \"Yeah, come on.\" \"No harm in that.\" \"Right?\" \"I could always use a spotter.\" \"Who can't?\" \"I mean, I think safety first, even in here.\" \"there you go.\" \"Three more, Duane?\" \"Feel the burn.\" \"Feel the burn.\" \"Feel the burn, Duane.\" \"Oh, oh.\" \"Whoa, whoa, whoa.\" \"Break it up.\" \"That was interesting.\" \"I'd say.\" \"Yikes.\" \"Hey, listen,\" \"I know your ass belongs to Big Buster,\" \"And I totally-- totally respect that,\" \"But you and I, we think so much alike.\" \"You know, like that time that guy got stabbed.\" \"And I said, \"that was interesting,\"\" \"And you said, \"I'd say.\"\" \"Then you said, \"yikes.\" yikes.\" \"Those are the kind of moment I'm talking about.\" \"Sometimes I wonder\" \"What it would be like if I were the one\" \"Who were ass-raping you every night.\" \"You know, I think you're feeling\" \"The energy of our friendship,\" \"And you're projecting it\" \"Into something else that isn't there.\" \"No, Glenn, I'm not\" \"I'm not projecting.\" \"I can't look at you\" \"Without fantasizing\" \"About shoving you up against a wall\" \"In the laundry room\" \"And punching you in the mouth\" \"And then raping you\" \"Without your consent, of course.\" \"Hey, that's what makes it rape, right?\" \"That's what makes it rape.\" \"Look, Duane.\" \"I hear you.\" \"But?\" \"But I--I can't just shift gears.\" \"It's not that simple.\" \"I think I'm done working out.\" \"Duane, don't be that guy\" \"No.\" \"Glenn, I can't.\" \"I got nothing left.\" \"See you around.\" \"Duane.\" \"what the fuck do you think you're doing?\" \"Ahh!\" \"okay, Doctor.\" \"It's that time of the night.\" \"Buster, we need to talk.\" \"Oh, no.\" \"No, don't tell me.\" \"Duane--wow.\" \"I thought this would be easier.\" \"Duane Rosenblum wants me to be his bitch,\" \"And I'm not sure I don't want to not\" \"Not be his bitch.\" \"Tell me this is a goof.\" \"No, not this time.\" \"You and I have been going through the motions lately.\" \"We both know that.\" \"At this point, we're more cell mates than anything else.\" \"I knew this day would come.\" \"Glenn, listen to me.\" \"You have to do what you have to do.\" \"As long as you're getting ass-raped\" \"Against your will by someone, anyone,\" \"Every night,\" \"Then that's all that matters.\" \"Really?\" \"Nothing.\" \"Go on.\" \"Get out of here.\" \"Go on!\" \"Hey, you busy?\" \"No.\" \"I was gonna fold this piece of paper for a while,\" \"But I can do that later.\" \"What's up?\" \"Well, I just talked to big buster, and...\" \"Looks like I'm back on the market.\" \"Glenn.\" \"This is wonderful!\" \"You know what this means, don't you?\" \"Yes.\" \"I do.\" \"ow, ow, ow, ow.\" \"What's the matter, you baby?\" \"The King's a beggar.\" \"Now the play is done.\" \"All is well ended if this suit be won.\" \"That you express content, which we will pay\" \"With strife to please you, day exceeding day.\" \"Ours be your patience then\" \"And yours our parts.\" \"Your gentle hands lend us and take our hearts.\" \"All's well that ends well.\" \"fucking baby.\" \"Lights out!\" \"Hi, honey bunny, boozie, boozie,\" \"Boozie pumpkin butt!\" \"Mwah!\" \"Have you been drinking?\" \"No, just a little tequila.\" \"Oh, I know this bouncer at Club Stingo,\" \"And I think we should really go tonight.\" \"I had an idea.\" \"How about you and I, we stay in.\" \"We can read from that book of Kierkegaard\" \"That I bought you.\" \"No.\" \"Don't be such a pooper.\" \"I want to go out.\" \"I want to party 24-7, baby.\" \"Whoo!\" \"You still love me, don't you, Daddy?\" \"I mean, you don't regret\" \"Leaving Gretchen for me, do you?\" \"Of--of course not.\" \"Yay!\" \"Will you buy me a pony?\" \"Oh, man.\" \"Oh, man.\" \"I don't know.\" \"I-- # who am I, # # and where do I go # # from here?\" \"#\" \"Hey!\" \"Table for two?\" \"yes, please.\" \"Right here.\" \"Have fun, you guys.\" \"Thanks.\" \"Thank you.\" \"Hey!\" \"Table for two?\" \"Louis, you may be the host\" \"Of the La Fonda list on channel three...\" \"And you may be Kelly,\" \"The former girlfriend of Stephen Montgomery,\" \"That guy who's still stuck in the ground...\" \"But tonight, we are the two happiest newlyweds\" \"In the entire world,\" \"And I couldn't love you more.\" \"ladies and gentlemen,\" \"Please welcome Harlan Swallow\" \"And his better half, Gary.\" \"well, thank you.\" \"Howdy, folks.\" \"I'm Harlan Swallow.\" \"And I'm Gary, and I quit.\" \"Gary-- hang on tight.\" \"I have your hand up my ass.\" \"Oh, somebody's a cheap date.\" \"Gary, leave the nice lady alone.\" \"Fuck you.\" \"What's your name there, honey?\" \"Me?\" \"Of course I'm talking to you.\" \"I'm not talking to your boyfriend.\" \"My name's Kelly.\" \"Kelly, ooh.\" \"Gary.\" \"Shh.\" \"Hey, Kelly, why don't you meet me after the show,\" \"And I'll show you my hard wooden dick.\" \"Oh, my god!\" \"This guy is so offensive.\" \"He's not funny at all.\" \"Shh!\" \"I want to hear what Gary's gonna say next.\" \"Hey, asshole, when do I get paid\" \"So I can blow this juke joint?\" \"He said \"juke joint.\"\" \"Oh, my god.\" \"I think he was kidding about you coming backstage.\" \"I think it was just part of the act.\" \"Louis, can you shut up for one second?\" \"Honey, I just think it's our honeymoon.\" \"I would love to get some champagne\" \"And go back to the room.\" \"Ew, Louis.\" \"Please.\" \"I just ate a turkey burger.\" \"Oh, hey, folks.\" \"Hi.\" \"We loved the show.\" \"Oh, thanks.\" \"Can I talk to Gary?\" \"Um...\" \"Sure.\" \"Okay.\" \"God damn it.\" \"Hey, there, baby cakes.\" \"Glad you liked the show.\" \"Why don't you get rid of the deadweight\" \"So we can really talk, huh?\" \"Are you gonna show me your hard wooden dick\" \"Like you said you would?\" \"Yeah, I--I got to go home now.\" \"Well, wait.\" \"What about you, Gary?\" \"You want to come out with us?\" \"Honey, I think\" \"I will smack you in the face.\" \"What do you say, Gary?\" \"Want to throw back a few?\" \"He's a little tired.\" \"We're gonna say good night now.\" \"Oh, are you two homo?\" \"Okay, no, I'm not gay.\" \"I date women.\" \"And Gary isn't gay, because he's a wooden puppet\" \"That I ordered from a company\" \"In Chicago, okay?\" \"Good night.\" \"Kelly, let's\" \"Come on.\" \"Sweetie, it's over.\" \"Let's just\" \"You know, I was really hoping to lose my virginity tonight.\" \"Yeah, well, I got to go for a walk.\" \"Oh, really?\" \"Because I could come...\" \"With you.\" \"Just come with you.\" \"Hi, there.\" \"Oh, god,\" \"I've been thinking about you all night.\" \"I even rubbed one out in the bathroom\" \"When my husband was buying condoms.\" \"I wouldn't make you wear one, though.\" \"Come on, Gary.\" \"Let's blow this juke joint.\" \"You're being coy, aren't you?\" \"Hi.\" \"# give me love. # # forgive me, love. # room, please?\" \"# don't leave me, love, # # leave me here to... #\" \"# brave the winds of age # # without you by my side. # # forgive me, love. # # don't leave me, love. #\" \"# I'm just a fool. # # burn the bed we made with ignorance and pride. #\" \"So you say the last time you saw this guy\" \"Was about 11:00 p.M.?\" \"That's right.\" \"Got it.\" \"All right.\" \"I think you should call the cops.\" \"Oh, come on.\" \"stop it!\" \"Stop it!\" \"Stop it!\" \"Stop it!\" \"We should probably call the cops.\" \"Wait.\" \"I don't love you anymore, Louis.\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"I thought I did, but I don't.\" \"I haven't been happy in a long time.\" \"We're still doing the same old jokes.\" \"I don't even know what's funny anymore.\" \"Yes, you were there for me\" \"When my fiance was embedded in the ground\" \"Still is.\" \"And still is.\" \"You say you want a girlfriend.\" \"When was the last time you had a date?\" \"Rebecca, the hostess,\" \"She is dying to go out with you.\" \"How many signals do you need?\" \"So our marriage is over?\" \"It's okay.\" \"Maybe you're right.\" \"I know I'm right, buddy.\" \"# mama loves her little baby boy. #\" \"I think I should get in touch with my sister.\" \"I'm sure she'd love to hear from you.\" \"# hold her, boxed in. # # troubled and human. # # help me lose this uneasy injustice. #\" \"# I'm fine.\" \"I'm found.\" \"I'm on my own. #\" \"# I climb this mountain all alone. #\" \"God, this so crazy.\" \"I've never felt so alive.\" \"# in this prison we call home. #\" \"Jeff, wha--what are you doing here?\" \"Gretchen.\" \"Hey, I--I was in the neighborhood.\" \"I thought I'd come by and take a shit.\" \"You know, it's not really a good time.\" \"Why don't you come by tomorrow?\" \"Can I come in just for five minutes?\" \"Tomorrow, I might not need to shit.\" \"Gretchen, who's at the door?\" \"Oh, Jeff,\" \"You know newsman Jim Stansel.\" \"So are you and Jim\" \"Yeah, yeah.\" \"Yeah.\" \"How's--how's Liz?\" \"Good, good.\" \"We're looking for a new pony, actually.\" \"Oh, a pony can be delightful.\" \"Listen, Jeff.\" \"Like I said, this is really not a good time\" \"For you to take a shit.\" \"No worries.\" \"It's good to see you, Gretchen.\" \"You look great.\" \"You always look great.\" \"You look tired.\" \"Are you taking your fish oil?\" \"Gretchen, god damn it.\" \"Could I talk to you for five seconds\" \"Without you hammering me about my goddamn fish oil?\" \"Fine!\" \"Ruin your fucking skin.\" \"I'm getting my Omega 3 fatty acids, okay?\" \"I'm just not taking it in the form of fish oil.\" \"This is why.\" \"Yeah, this is why.\" \"Have a good life, Jeff.\" \"You too, Gretchen.\" \"You too.\" \"Here's the, uh\" \"Hey, new guy's awake.\" \"What a night.\" \"My head is throbbing.\" \"I'm definitely gonna need some more heroin.\" \"I know what you need, kid.\" \"You need a lying Rhino.\" \"Looks just like the regular shit.\" \"Why do you call it \"lying Rhino?\"\" \"That's a good question.\" \"And there is a story, my friend.\" \"The lying Rhino truly existed-- and he was a liar.\" \"hold on a second.\" \"Before he was a liar, he was living\" \"On the lower east side of New York City.\" \"no, no.\" \"The story starts way before he moved to New York.\" \"are you gonna tell the story, or am I?\" \"tell the story.\" \"Who's stopping you?\" \"the first lying Rhino story\" \"Was how he dropped out of high school.\" \"Now he's working as a locksmith in Washington, D.C.\" \"Suffice it to say, he wasn't the greatest locksmith.\" \"he was terrible.\" \"primarily because he didn't have any fingers.\" \"You want your fucking door open?\" \"Here.\" \"You'll pay for that, Rhino!\" \"so that's why they call this the lying Rhino?\" \"oh, no, no, there's more to the story.\" \"A few years later,\" \"The Rhino was working as a street hustler.\" \"Give me a second, huh?\" \"I don't have all night.\" \"Does that thing work or what?\" \"Stop talking to me and let me concentrate.\" \"You know what?\" \"Forget it.\" \"Forget it.\" \"Forget this.\" \"God, what is with people?\" \"this guy couldn't keep a job.\" \"Then one night, he gets a gig\" \"Playing piano in a poolside jazz band.\" \"Take it, Rhino.\" \"And two, three, four.\" \"You're fired!\" \"What?\" \"'cause I feel passion for this?\" \"oh!\" \"you see that bee over there?\" \"Yeah.\" \"You know what I heard?\" \"He's a card-carrying member\" \"Of the organization for white racial purity.\" \"Yeah, he's a white supremist.\" \"Yeah?\" \"I shit you not.\" \"Hey, guess what I hear about the bee.\" \"I hear he's a white supremist.\" \"I heard what you been saying.\" \"Oh, my wing!\" \"Hey!\" \"Ow.\" \"the Rhino finally found something he was good at:\" \"Spreading lies.\" \"Hey, I hear she sucked some guy's balls\" \"At her bachelorette party.\" \"Oh!\" \"Did you hear about mama owl?\" \"She's on meds for her busted cervix.\" \"I'd stay away\" \"From saint Geraldine's nursery school.\" \"Word is the principal there likes to fuck all the kids.\" \"Rhino was on top of the world.\" \"Hey, Rhino, baby, give me some dirt.\" \"Yo, Rhino, what's up?\" \"I heard you got some new moves.\" \"Uh, I was wondering if you had anything\" \"You'd like to tell me.\" \"but it wasn't long\" \"Before everyone caught on to his lies.\" \"Get out of here, Rhino.\" \"Hey, talk to somebody who cares.\" \"Liar, liar.\" \"Get the fuck out of here!\" \"Hey, Darrell, my man.\" \"Did you hear what happened to the lizard?\" \"Did you hear what happened to your face?\" \"Ow!\" \"Oh!\" \"Oof!\" \"Splat!\" \"so one day, he's out collecting VHS tapes,\" \"And he hears something:\" \"Weiner dogs, evil weiner dogs.\" \"And they're all secretly infecting themselves\" \"With a deadly sexually transmitted disease.\" \"And they're planning to start an orgy\" \"And infect the whole town.\" \"so the Rhino wants to warn everybody.\" \"Wait a minute.\" \"Why don't these weiner dogs die from the deadly disease?\" \"They're immune to it.\" \"Everybody, do not have sex with the weiner dogs.\" \"They're planning a deadly weiner dog sex orgy.\" \"Come on.\" \"You never tell the truth.\" \"You always lie.\" \"Why should we believe you?\" \"Hey, hey, hey, everybody.\" \"Let's have sex with each other.\" \"Hmm, I don't know.\" \"Who you gonna believe, Rhino or weiner dog?\" \"so what happened to him?\" \"he moved back to Portland, lost a lot of weight,\" \"Started wearing these terrible short shorts,\" \"And eventually started dealing heroin.\" \"Thanks, man.\" \"so why do you call the stuff \"lying Rhino?\"\" \"Because he delivers it here\" \"Every day.\" \"Gentlemen.\" \"Rhino!\" \"Later on, my friends.\" \"That's the Rhino?\" \"this is the place.\" \"Not much to look at.\" \"What you see is what you get.\" \"Well, what do you expect for $850 a month,\" \"The inner\" \"What you see is what you get.\" \"Well, what do you expect for $850 a month,\" \"The International Space Station Mir out there\" \"Over there in outer space?\" \"I'll take it, Mr.\" \"Dalton, Timothy Dalton.\" \"Like 007, right?\" \"That's right.\" \"Here's the keys.\" \"Hey.\" \"Hey.\" \"No.\" \"Come on.\" \"Sorry.\" \"how have you been?\" \"We talked at the same time.\" \"How's Liz doing?\" \"Oh, we broke up.\" \"She was too young.\" \"How's Jim Stansel?\" \"No, it didn't work out.\" \"His penis was too big.\" \"I mean, it was great for a while.\" \"I mean, god, it was so great.\" \"Sometimes I just think about him\" \"And I--I have a little orgasm.\" \"Oh.\" \"Let me see.\" \"No.\" \"Oh, wait.\" \"Yup, there we go.\" \"But, you know, it didn't work out.\" \"Anyway, where are you living?\" \"Uh, I got this new place.\" \"It's an empty black void with the stone tablets.\" \"Right.\" \"Right.\" \"Good to see you haven't changed.\" \"Gretchen, I never got the chance to apologize\" \"About the whole \"go fly a kite\" thing.\" \"It was way out-of-bounds.\" \"No one should ever say that to you,\" \"Not after what happened with you\" \"And the kite and your brother.\" \"Thank you.\" \"Would you maybe want to grab a cup of coffee?\" \"Oh, I'd love to, but after Liz and I broke up,\" \"I got married,\" \"And I don't want to make the same mistake twice.\" \"You know, adultery.\" \"Oh, who are you married to?\" \"Dianne Wiest.\" \"It's great.\" \"Wow.\" \"I loved her in bullets over Broadway.\" \"Oh, yeah, she's really proud of that one.\" \"And the Oscar didn't hurt either.\" \"Plus, the residual checks come in handy.\" \"It's like, \"thanks, Woody,\" you know?\" \"Right.\" \"It was good to see you.\" \"You too.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Oh, Gretchen, I love you so much.\" \"I want you back.\" \"Yes--oh, no.\" \"What about Dianne Wiest?\" \"Oh, fuck me.\" \"I'm gonna call her and tell her it's over.\" \"Dianne.\" \"Hey, how are you?\" \"What's that?\" \"160 bucks?\" \"Wow.\" \"It's more like Hannah and her dollars.\" \"I know.\" \"Terrible joke.\" \"Look, I've got some bad news.\" \"I ran into my ex-wife, Gretchen, and\" \"Well, how do I put this?\" \"Oh, Dianne.\" \"I'm so sorry.\" \"Really?\" \"Oh, I-- Dianne, you're great.\" \"We gave it a good run.\" \"So I'll have my lawyer send over the papers, okay?\" \"Uh-huh.\" \"All right.\" \"I will.\" \"All right.\" \"Got to go.\" \"Yeah, okay.\" \"All right.\" \"Okay.\" \"Yeah, got to go.\" \"Dianne, I have to go.\" \"Okay.\" \"All right.\" \"Bye.\" \"We're good.\" \"Oh!\" \"\"if not now, when?\" \"\"if not me, who?\" \"If not here, where?\"\" \"let's go, Oliver.\" \"We're gonna be late for church.\" \"The kids are already in the car.\" \"Oh, god, Gloria.\" \"I'm really sick.\" \"I think I might have a touch of food poisoning.\" \"You should just go ahead without me.\" \"Okay.\" \"Get some rest.\" \"Okay.\" \"You deserve an MTV Moon Man Award\" \"For that performance.\" \"Three hours to do anything I want.\" \"Huh.\" \"Well, I guess I could if I wanted.\" \"Completely naked?\" \"Totally nude, my friend.\" \"The whole time they were at church?\" \"All morning.\" \"Most intriguing, Oliver.\" \"So why don't you come by this Sunday?\" \"We can be naked together.\" \"What am I supposed to tell Jeanie?\" \"Make up an excuse.\" \"Already got mine lined up for this week.\" \"What is it?\" \"Bulimia.\" \"Nice.\" \"So is this a gay thing?\" \"No.\" \"No, man.\" \"I'm straight as an arrow.\" \"I mean, sure, I blew a few sailors in the '80s,\" \"But that was the '80s.\" \"I mean, I still can't for the life of me\" \"Figure out how to solve that Rubik's cube.\" \"No, this is just a couple straight guys\" \"Skipping church to hang out naked.\" \"I don't know, Oliver.\" \"It's not really my cup of tea.\" \"Cut to \"ding-dong!\"\" \"I mean, actually, it would be\" \"Hey, man.\" \"Whoa.\" \"Glad you changed your mind.\" \"You are really naked.\" \"I mean, you weren't kidding.\" \"Yeah.\" \"And there's your penis,\" \"And I guess those are your balls,\" \"And I'm gonna guess your ass is around the back there.\" \"That's exactly right.\" \"Why don't you come on in, take off your clothes?\" \"Okay.\" \"Musky smell.\" \"Those are my natural pheromes.\" \"Hey, man, I got to tell you,\" \"I thought this was gonna be pretty good.\" \"But this is pretty good.\" \"It's pretty good, right?\" \"You know, I got all these CDs over here.\" \"You want to listen to something?\" \"You got any Roberta Flack?\" \"Are you kidding me?\" \"I'm a Flack freak.\" \"What do you want to listen to?\" \"Killing me softly?\" \"That's a little Flack 101.\" \"Why don't we go a little deeper?\" \"How about this?\" \"Greatest hits, track two.\" \"# strolling in the park, # # watching winter turn to spring. #\" \"I dig her silky vocals.\" \"Yeah, and the jazzy rhythm guitar\" \"And light percussion that wafts throughout.\" \"Oof.\" \"Fluid sounds.\" \"Urbane.\" \"Mm, contemporary flavor.\" \"Holds a degree from Howard University.\" \"That was just\" \"That was great.\" \"Yeah.\" \"Yeah, had a great time.\" \"Well, why don't you come back next Sunday?\" \"I don't know.\" \"I mean, I might feel a little guilty\" \"If I keep missing church.\" \"Marty, god doesn't necessarily want us\" \"To go to church every Sunday.\" \"Keeping the sabbath might just mean\" \"Taking a weekly break from our normal life\" \"And celebrating his great creation.\" \"And what greater manifestation of his creation is there\" \"Than the body human?\" \"For my money, it's just as holy for us to come over here\" \"And swing our balls around\" \"And pump up the Roberta Flack.\" \"You know what?\" \"You make a great point.\" \"I do have one question, though.\" \"How many other guys should I invite?\" \"# it may be way too early # # in the game. #\" \"hey, I just took a dump\" \"And didn't have to pull my pants down.\" \"Or up, right?\" \"Correctamundo.\" \"Hey, who invited Henry Winkler?\" \"eh.\" \"Oh, great.\" \"A room full of Fonzie's.\" \"That's the last thing I need.\" \"# I wasn't trying to find romance. #\" \"I like the Roberta Flack.\" \"How long has that been going on?\" \"As far as I know, Flack's been de rigueur\" \"Since day one.\" \"Wait a minute.\" \"Hold the phone.\" \"I knew it was popular, but de rigueur?\" \"and then you get to side three, comfortably numb,\" \"And then he doesn't even have his anger anymore.\" \"Then he's completely within his own mind,\" \"Behind his own wall.\" \"# tonight I celebrate my love for you. #\" \"# is gonna come shining through. #\" \"Yeah?\" \"Oliver, governor Hutchins here.\" \"Church ended early today,\" \"And your wife is on her way home.\" \"Let's go!\" \"Jesus shit.\" \"Fuck!\" \"They're here.\" \"They're here!\" \"What do we do?\" \"Hi, dad.\" \"How's your gangrene?\" \"Much better.\" \"Oliver, is something going on here?\" \"No.\" \"Why?\" \"You're acting strange,\" \"And I want to know what's going on.\" \"Honey, we made an oath in front of god.\" \"And you deserve to hear the truth.\" \"Fellas.\" \"Every Sunday morning,\" \"Dozens of men come over here and get naked.\" \"I see.\" \"And we never want to go to church again.\" \"What do you think about that?\" \"I'll tell you what I think.\" \"If you ever\" \"Have a naked party in my home again\" \"On a Sunday,\" \"You can kiss my black ass good-bye.\" \"Wait a minute, Gloria.\" \"Hear me out.\" \"# I've been a good man # # all my life. # # take care of my kids, # # provide for my wife. # # given to the church, # # the destitute, the poor. #\" \"# never hurt a fly. #\" \"# I never fucked a whore. # # so where does it say # # that every Sunday, we have to go pray?\" \"#\" \"That's the lord's way.\" \"Touche.\" \"# but it never felt right. # # there was something untrue # # about that fabric # # between my ass and the pew. # # it's not crude to be nude on the sabbath. #\" \"# I think you'd be a prude to say nay. # # misconstrued are my views on the sabbath # # as we shimmy bareback to Roberta Flack. # # fresh-shampooed are our pubes and our rectums. #\" \"# great respect we reflect, we have shown. # # see our cracks and our taints # # are as clean as a saint's # # 'cause we know # # it's written in stone. #\" \"# it's written in stone. #\" \"# I introduced each story. # # there were ten.\" \"You couldn't have missed them. #\" \"# I was surrounded by gigantic prop tablets, # # but I didn't heed their wisdom. #\" \"# I ignored the laws, betrayed my wife, # # but I did my job at least. #\" \"# I gave you ten short stories. # # and he dumped Dianne Wiest. #\" \"# I broke it off with Wiest. #\" \"# I stole a little wooden guy. # # now we live in South Bayonne. #\" \"# I live my life on scotch and rye, # # splinters in my inner thigh. #\" \"# I guess that's why-- I guess that's why # # it's written down in stone... # # as these ten stories all have shown. # # craved a CAT scan like my neighbor. #\" \"# tried to keep up with my friend. # # now there's radiated children. # # many dead like sir John Glenn. # # and that was only one of ten. # # well, I was good with the goof. #\" \"# I was quick with the gags. # # but the judge, # # he done judge you too crass. # # so now the goof is on me. #\" \"# I got 99 years. # # and a bloody, stretched-out ass. #\" \"# a nonelastic, bruised and battered... # # badly damaged... # # stretchy, stretchy... # # trunk, # # butt, # # ass. #\" \"I got a trunk butt ass!\" \"# well, I met Jesus in Mexico, # # didn't know how hard I'd fall. # # but in truth, the story's fictional. # # my name is Gretchen Mol. #\" \"# I crushed my spine. #\" \"# I'm in the ground. #\" \"# I had my 15 minutes. #\" \"# I fucked Arsenio hall in his trailer. # # he wore nothing at all but his socks. # # if it were Arnold, you kids would be paler. # # and we'd both have straighter locks. #\" \"# and smaller cocks. #\" \"So what does it all mean?\" \"# so what's it all about?\" \"# # what does it all add up to?\" \"# # hey, haven't you figured it out?\" \"# tell us!\" \"# it's all about... # # love!\" \"#\" \"Put your arms around each other!\" \"# love!\" \"# # yeah, the universe is calling. # # love!\" \"#\" \"Everybody kissing\" \"And everybody hugging, now, come on!\" \"# love!\" \"#\" \"# love!\" \"#\" \"# 1 and 9, # # 8 and 2, #\" \"# 3 and 7, # # 11 minus 1, #\" \"# 5 and 5 is--is... # # oh, yeah!\" \"# # the ten is a hell of a number. # # the ten, ten ten. # # double digits, 1-0 supply. # that's the Lord's way.\" \"# was that really their actual order?\" \"# # then you've got one, all right. # # oh, yeah!\" \"#\" \"# # # da, da, da, da. #\" \"# stuck in the ground.\" \"We're stuck in the ground. # # stuck, stuck, stuck, stuck!\" \"# # stuck in the ground, but I found fame. # # buck-ass naked.\" \"Check out the frame. # # from daily show to jailhouse ho. # # when she left Rudd, it was time to go. #\" \"# I was born on the state and blew up in reno. #\" \"# CAT scan--my neighbor, what he know?\" \"# # dip my balls in your mouth from the goof. # # and poof!\" \"Redhead nuts on your roof. # # yes, yes, ya'll.\" \"Gretchen Mol. #\" \"# I took the fall for Arsenio hall. # # knocked up, Paul makes summertime money. # # shacked up with a ventriloquist's dummy. #\" \"# Liev in a mustache had a Jack Russell. # # everybody do the Ron Silver hustle. # # no fuss, I'm just a savior. # # pick them and flick them is what I gave ya. #\" \"# played you like a puppet on string. # # and I'm so fine that I made hard the thing. # # miss fantastic bee.\" \"Feel the sting. # # rhyme time over.\" \"The ten, y'all.\" \"Sing!\" \"# # the ten is a hell of a number. # # and the credits are now going by. # # the ten, the ten. # # the movie is just about over. # # say good-bye. #\" \"# good-bye. # # we've come to the what?\" \"To the end of the ten. # # right to the what?\" \"Of the ten. # # we've come to the end, I fear, to the end of the ten. # # we've come to the what?\" \"# # we've come to the end of the ten. # # we've come to the end of the ten, I fear. # # naked men stood at the mirror. # # the Sunday balls, they bloom like spring. #\" \"# but it's not a gay thing. # # we've come to the end of the ten, dear child. # # wife and husband reconciled. #\" \"# Jeff left Liz and Dianne Wiest # # and kissed Gretchen on the street. # # and the flower grows sometimes from Rhino shit. # # and the lesson learned is what you make of it. #\" \"# what we make of it. # # we've come to the end of the ten, I know. # # the puppet's not your average dildo. # # though Gary may not speak again, #\" \"# he'll be her best friend. # # we've come to the end of the ten, John Glenn. # # kids and radioactive contamination don't blend, # # because two neighbors wanted more. #\" \"# but it's not worth dying for. # # we saw the doctor raped almost constantly. # # he could not escape where his goof did lead, # # where his goof did lead. # # twin boys born to their creator #\" \"# did not resemble the terminator. # # but Jesus Christos, son of god, # # he opened up a heart. # # we've come to the end of the ten, oh, my. #\" \"# Montgomery fell out of the sky # # and lodged himself down in the ground. # # how does he defecate?\" \"# how does he defecate?\" \"I don't know.\" \"# but the flower sometimes grows # # from Montgomery's shit. # # and the lesson learned is what you make of it, # # what you make of it. #\" \"# we've come to the end of the end of the ten. #\" \"What a bunch of fucking assholes.\" \"Damn.\" \"Subtitles Extracted By LeapinLar\""], ["\"English Subtitles (HI) [MP4] The Big Bang Theory S08E06 (720p) The Expedition Approximation\" \" HDTV [KoTuWa]\" \"I like your suit.\" \"Oh, thanks.\" \"Got a couple new outfits for work.\" \"How does it feel knowing your fianc\u00e9e's job is to go out and flirt with doctors, looking like that, while you sit here, you know... looking like this?\" \"She doesn't flirt with doctors.\" \"Yeah.\" \"It's all very professional.\" \"You know when you bend over, I can see down your shirt?\" \"Okay, good.\" \"Speaking of new careers, how are things going with dark matter, Sheldon?\" \"Oh, yeah, I'd have to say it's the most exiting time in the history of the field.\" \"Oh.\" \"What's going on?\" \"I started doing it.\" \"KOOTHRAPPALI:\" \"You know, the government funded the biggest experiment yet to detect dark matter.\" \"Oh, yeah,\" \"I've read about that...\" \"they're sending research teams down into abandoned salt mines.\" \"You know, Sheldon, if we apply to be one of those teams, we could be on the ground floor of something big... not just for theoretical physics but for astrophysics as well.\" \"Wait, hang on... you guys are gonna work in a mine?\" \"Why not?\" \"You had a panic attack when we went through the car wash.\" \"Perhaps the emotion you're referring to was shock at you having something cleaned.\" \"I think what Penny meant is, the thought of you two in a mine is kind of funny...\" \"it's like a cat riding a Roomba.\" \"(laughs)\" \"If they get scared, they'll have those hats with the lights on them, 'cause down there it's night-night all the time!\" \"Maybe they could ride around in one of those mine carts that go,\" \"(squeakily):\" \"Ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo.\" \"Yeah, it'll help them get away when they see a gh-gh-ghost...!\" \"Are they making fun of us?\" \"Yup.\" \"I miss the old days when I couldn't tell.\" \"\u266a Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state \u266a\" \"\u266a Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started...\" \"Wait!\" \"\u266a\" \"\u266a The Earth began to cool \u266a\" \"\u266a The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools \u266a\" \"\u266a We built the Wall \u266a \u266a We built the pyramids \u266a\" \"\u266a Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery \u266a\" \"\u266a That all started with a big bang \u266a\" \"\u266a Bang!\" \"\u266a\" \"\u266a The Big Bang Theory 8x06 \u266a The Expedition Approximation Original Air Date: 2014-10-20\" \"Sync, corrected by elderman @elder_man\" \"So, one of my favorite video games of all time is called Shadow of the Colossus, and it was only for PlayStation 2, but then they came out with a new version for PS3 with better graphics.\" \"I finally got the chance to play it, and for some reason, it just wasn't as good as the first one.\" \"Or something about yoga.\" \"I'm sorry...\" \"I was thinking about work.\" \"Well, I was just saying that there was this video game...\" \"Yeah, that's when I started thinking about work.\" \"Uh, listen, I've got some good news.\" \"Hmm.\" \"This is for you.\" \"Huh.\" \"What is this?\" \"Well, you know how they gave me the company car?\" \"Didn't make sense to have two, so I sold the other one.\" \"The one I gave you?\" \"Yeah.\" \"And there's your money back... and now we're even.\" \"(laughs):\" \"How great is that?\" \"Uh, yeah.\" \"What?\" \"Nothing.\" \"Oh, come on, Leonard, I know the car was a thoughtful gesture and I really appreciate it, but it doesn't make sense to have both.\" \"You're right.\" \"What should I have done?\" \"Taken a picture of us in the car and put it in a pink frame with puffy paint around it that says \"best fianc\u00e9 ever\"?\" \"Doesn't sound that bad.\" \"Well, good, because...\" \"that's why I did!\" \"Aw...\" \"Oh... thank you.\" \"That-that is so sweet.\" \"No, it's not that sweet...\" \"I paid for the frame with your money and then got a massage.\" \"You know what, you don't have to give me this.\" \"You keep it.\" \"Why?\" \"The car was a gift... it was something you needed.\" \"I was happy to help you out.\" \"And I really appreciate it, but now I don't need it, so... here you go.\" \"Well, this is silly... so you don't need the car, but you could use it to buy yourself something else, like a... new purse to put all this money in.\" \"Sweetie, I can buy my own stuff.\" \"I have a good job now.\" \"I know, and I'm proud of you, but that doesn't mean I can't do something nice.\" \"Like this.\" \"Okay, I don't want this to turn into a fight.\" \"I don't, either.\" \"Great.\" \"Thank you.\" \"Can you pass the salt, please?\" \"Sure.\" \"In my mind, that broke the tension with comedy and led to sex.\" \"(clears throat)\" \"Hey, Sheldon, you busy?\" \"I'm always busy.\" \"This mind is capable of advanced multitasking.\" \"You know, currently,\" \"I'm attempting to solve the Penrose conjecture,\" \"I'm composing my Nobel acceptance speech for when I've solved the Penrose conjecture, and I'm wondering how mermaids have babies.\" \"Don't they lay eggs on a rock?\" \"Now I've got room for another thing.\" \"What do you want?\" \"So, I did a little research on what the conditions are like in the mines, and the guys might be right... sounds pretty rough down there.\" \"For starters, it's very humid, and about a hundred degrees.\" \"Well, I'm from Texas and you're from India... we're no strangers to the fragrant armpit.\" \"Next.\" \"It's also a live mine, so there'll be dynamite explosions going off in the distance.\" \"Yeah, I have a lactose-intolerant roommate with a taste for ice cream.\" \"Next.\" \"Oh, you have to be down there for 12 hours at a time.\" \"Yeah?\" \"We have to be somewhere.\" \"Well, there's no toilets... we'll have to do our business in a bucket.\" \"So it's settled...\" \"we're not doing it.\" \"Look, I get it, but...\" \"before we pass up on an incredible opportunity, I was thinking about when Howard was training to go to space, they put him in a simulated environment.\" \"Interesting.\" \"You're suggesting that we recreate the conditions of the mine to see if we can handle it.\" \"Exactly.\" \"Very well.\" \"So where should we do it?\" \"Well, I'll just Google \"hot, dark and moist,\"\" \"see what comes up.\" \"Uh, Sheldon...\" \"Oh, there, well, look, there's all kinds of videos.\" \"(knocking)\" \"Hey, you got a sec?\" \"Hi.\" \"Sure.\" \"I was hoping we could talk about the money again.\" \"Oh, sweetie, just forget about it.\" \"No, no, no, no, hear me out.\" \"I know things got a little weird last night.\" \"Well, leaving an envelope full of cash on my dresser after sex would count as weird.\" \"Well, I think I came up with a pretty good solution.\" \"Mm.\" \"Why don't we just put the money in a joint account?\" \"It'll be our first money together.\" \"We can use it for the wedding, the honeymoon, whatever.\" \"You know what, that's great.\" \"I love that!\" \"Yeah, of course you do...\" \"I'm not just a genius in bed.\" \"(feminine voice):\" \"You sure are, baby.\" \"You two want to be alone?\" \"I want you to know I get why you don't want the money... you've got this new job, you're excited about being financially independent... and I am nothing but proud of you.\" \"Oh, thank you so much.\" \"It feels so good to hear you say that.\" \"And I want you to know that I get this job kind of changes the balance in our relationship, and...\" \"I'm trying to be sensitive to that.\" \"What?\" \"Well, I just think that maybe you're a little hung up on the money because I'm less reliant on you now, and that's a little scary.\" \"Hmm.\" \"Maybe.\" \"Or maybe I tried to do something nice and maybe you had a problem with it because of your control issues.\" \"Control issues?\" \"Maybe.\" \"Or... maybe... now that I'm no longer an out-of-work actress who can't pay for her own dinner, that makes you a little insecure.\" \"Well, I can't believe you'd say that.\" \"You know how insecure I am about my insecurities.\" \"You know what?\" \"I'm sorry.\" \"It's stupid to fight over money.\" \"Yeah, I'm sorry, too.\" \"We're about to share the rest of our lives together.\" \"It's our money...\" \"who cares who has it?\" \"Ugh!\" \"You're right...\" \"who cares?\" \"Mm.\" \"Get that money out of my back pocket or I will break your fingers.\" \"Huh.\" \"All this time I never knew there were steam tunnels down here.\" \"Most universities have them.\" \"When I was an undergrad, I spent three days in one pledging a sorority.\" \"Did you get in?\" \"No.\" \"They forgot I was there.\" \"But it really opened up my pores.\" \"Well, according to my research, the steam tunnels below this access point should be the closest analog to the mines.\" \"This is gonna be so much more accurate than the steam room at the gym.\" \"Plus, there's almost no chance we'll see any of our coworkers half naked.\" \"Or totally naked.\" \"I love Howard, but the dude needs a little shame.\" \"All right, Amy, this walkie-talkie is yours.\" \"If we run into any problems, I'll contact you.\" \"And if anything bad happens, what's the rule?\" \"Save you first;\" \"Come back for Raj only if there's time.\" \"We're going to be fine.\" \"(exhales) Sheldon, I'm really impressed you're willing to try this.\" \"Well, admittedly, this brushes up against my well-known aversions to heat, small places, going below floor-level, dampness, hatches, ladders, darkness, echoes, and eliminating in Home Depot buckets.\" \"That last one is quite new, but I have a feeling that's gonna rocket to the top of the list.\" \"KOOTHRAPPALI (grunts):\" \"I'm sweating already.\" \"Yeah, as the person beneath you, allow me to say, I know.\" \"How hot is it?\" \"Uh, let's see.\" \"704?\" \"No, wait, it's on \"clock.\"\" \"No, the real answer isn't much better.\" \"102 degrees.\" \"Well, that's what we wanted.\" \"This is as hot as the mines will be.\" \"True.\" \"Sheldon's Mine Simulation Log, entry one.\" \"Koothrappali's restating of the obvious is already getting on my nerves.\" \"Thanks again for having us.\" \"Oh, of course.\" \"What did you guys want to talk about?\" \"Well, you know, now that we're engaged, we had some questions about how you handle money as a couple.\" \"I told you they weren't gonna ask us to swing with them.\" \"I didn't think they were going to.\" \"I just wanted to have a way to say no without hurting Leonard's feelings.\" \"Well... nailed it.\" \"So what did you want to know?\" \"Well, do you guys ever fight over money?\" \"Sure, sometimes.\" \"I mean, it can be a little awkward since I make so much more money than Howie.\" \"You didn't have to say \"so much more.\"\" \"Well, I didn't have to, but for the sake of accuracy\" \"I felt that I should.\" \"I brought a lot of significant assets into the relationship, too.\" \"Like what?\" \"Your incomplete set of Star Trek collector plates?\" \"For your information, I just bought the last one\" \"I needed on eBay.\" \"Without asking me?\" \"There were only three minutes left in the auction and it was a mint condition Scotty from a smoke-free home.\" \"How much, Howie?\" \"Not a lot.\" \"How much?\" \"Let's not talk about this in front of our friends.\" \"Was it more or less than falconry school?\" \"For the tenth time, that was a Groupon.\" \"Like I would swing with him.\" \"(panting)\" \"How you feeling?\" \"Good.\" \"Little claustrophobic.\" \"Let's set up the equipment.\" \"It'll help take your mind off of it.\" \"Miners often sang mining songs to keep their spirits up.\" \"Do you know any mining songs?\" \"Just the hits.\" \"\u266a Where it's dark as a dungeon \u266a\" \"\u266a And it's damp as the dew \u266a\" \"That's pretty.\" \"\u266a Where the dangers are double \u266a\" \"\u266a And the pleasures are few \u266a\" \"\u266a Where the rain never falls \u266a\" \"\u266a And the sun never shines \u266a\" \"\u266a Yes, it's dark as a dungeon \u266a\" \"\u266a Way down in the mine \u266a\" \"It's a little more bleak than I thought.\" \"\u266a Well, I pray when I dead \u266a\" \"\u266a And the ages shall roll \u266a\" \"\u266a That my body will blacken \u266a\" \"\u266a And turn into coal \u266a\" \"Getting kind of grim.\" \"\u266a Then I'll look from the door \u266a\" \"\u266a Of my heavenly home \u266a\" \"\u266a And pity the miner \u266a\" \"\u266a That mines my poor bones. \u266a\" \"Okay.\" \"How 'bout a little Miley Cyrus next?\" \"Who's he?\" \"(stammers) Talk about wasted money.\" \"What about the late fees on our credit card because somebody didn't pay the bill on time?\" \"Well, maybe I would have paid it if I wasn't also doing everything else around here.\" \"Oh, you're saying I don't do anything around here.\" \"Look at my chore chart.\" \"She made him a chore chart.\" \"I see it.\" \"\"Do the dishes.\" There's a star right there.\" \"That was a pity star.\" \"Putting water in the roasting pan and leaving it in the sink is not doing the dishes.\" \"That pan had to soak and you know it.\" \"Well, don't come crying to me when you don't get your allowance.\" \"It's not an allowance.\" \"It's a stipend!\" \"And we said we weren't gonna call it an allowance in front of my friends.\" \"(door slams)\" \"I usually don't like lemon bars, but Th-these are really good.\" \"So, as Hannah Montana, Miley was a world-famous pop star.\" \"But then she would take off her wig and go to school like a normal girl.\" \"Which, I don't have to tell you, at that age, is its own headache.\" \"That's preposterous.\" \"How would she go unrecognized just by wearing a wig?\" \"But you're okay with Superman concealing his identity with a pair of glasses?\" \"He doesn't just put on a pair of glasses.\" \"He combs back his curlicue and affects a mild-mannered personality.\" \"AMY:\" \"You guys doing okay down there?\" \"I told you to use the walkie-talkie!\" \"You guys doing okay down there?\" \"Please keep this channel clear for emergencies.\" \"Thank you.\" \"I'm going to the vending machine.\" \"Do you want anything?\" \"This is a simulation.\" \"We have to survive on the supplies we brought.\" \"Okay, just checking.\" \"We should have asked her to get some Funyuns.\" \"You're not going to have Funyuns when we're a mile below the surface of the Earth.\" \"What if we brought them down with us?\" \"We'll take some Funyuns.\" \"Anything else?\" \"Some York Peppermint Patties, a couple of Dr. Peppers, and... run to Best Buy and see if they have a portable DVD player and season one of a show called Hannah Montana.\" \"Have her get season two.\" \"Season one, it was still finding itself.\" \"Sorry you guys had to see that.\" \"Oh, don't apologize.\" \"Yeah.\" \"It just makes it a lot harder to pretend it never happened.\" \"Money's a sensitive subject for Howie because of the difference in our income.\" \"It really bothers him?\" \"Well, sure.\" \"There's still a lot of pressure on guys to be providers.\" \"So even though he's happy for me, it's just a little tough on him.\" \"Uh-oh.\" \"What?\" \"Well, if I do well in sales,\" \"I could end up making a lot more money than you.\" \"Not a problem.\" \"I grew up with a mother who emasculated my father financially and in every other aspect of his life, so really, it's what I think love looks like.\" \"I'll be right back.\" \"I'm gonna go check on him.\" \"Maybe it's a good thing we came here.\" \"It's like a lesson in what not to do.\" \"Yeah I don't want something dumb like money to come between us.\" \"It won't.\" \"Let's just promise to figure this kind of stuff out before we get married.\" \"WOLOWITZ:\" \"Why are you being so bossy?\" \"!\" \"BERNADETTE:\" \"Why are you being a baby?\" \"WOLOWITZ:\" \"I'm not a baby!\" \"I'm a grown man, and I made the bed.\" \"Now where's my star?\" \"Should we go?\" \"Hang on.\" \"I want to see if he gets the star.\" \"Oh, this heat is brutal.\" \"As someone from the tropical subcontinent of India, you should know that fanning yourself in a humid environment only raises your body temperature.\" \"Huh.\" \"That does explain why the servants used to look so hot while they were fanning me.\" \"Let's get our minds off how uncomfortable we are.\" \"We could take some more simulated instrument readings.\" \"My major focus at the moment is keeping my claustrophobia at bay.\" \"How's that going?\" \"You tell me.\" \"I feel like I can't breathe, and I am tempted to crack you open and suck the air right out of your lungs.\" \"Sheldon, if this is too much, we can stop.\" \"We're not stopping.\" \"You don't have to bite my head off.\" \"I apologize.\" \"I j...\" \"I'm plagued by an internal struggle.\" \"If you would just use the bucket, you'd be so much more comfortable.\" \"My struggle is emotional.\" \"Oh.\" \"Is it Amy?\" \"It's dark matter.\" \"When I entered the field of string theory, I was a prodigy.\" \"I rose to a position of respect, and I assumed my career would continue on that upward trajectory.\" \"Now here I am in my 30s,\" \"I'm back at square one.\" \"And, frankly, it's frightening.\" \"Sheldon, you know what I think of when I'm scared?\" \"Voyager.\" \"Voyager the space probe or Voyager the Star Trek TV show?\" \"The space probe.\" \"Good.\" \"Because I am too hot and tired to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show.\" \"By the time I was born,\" \"Voyager 1's mission was supposed to be over.\" \"It had seen\" \"Jupiter and Saturn and all their moons, but it kept going.\" \"When I left India for America,\" \"I was never more scared in my life.\" \"I had no idea what lay ahead.\" \"Whenever I feel that way, I think about how...\" \"Voyager is still out there somewhere beyond our solar system, going further than anyone ever thought it could.\" \"Don't leave!\" \"You can do this!\" \"Sheldon, is everything okay?\" \"It's too late for Koothrappali.\" \"Let's go!\" \"11 minutes.\" \"That's longer than I thought.\" \"KOOTHRAPPALI:\" \"They're in my shirt!\" \"Okay, this is definitely the most fun thing we can do with the money.\" \"I've never done it on a big old pile of cash before.\" \"(high-pitched): \"Me neither, Leonard.\" \"It's my first time, too.\"\" \"I'm so sorry I made you feel bad about the money stuff.\" \"It's okay.\" \"No, it's not okay.\" \"I want us to be partners, equals.\" \"Adults in a mature relationship.\" \"I want that, too.\" \"Now, let's talk about your birthday party.\" \"Ooh, laser tag, laser tag.\" \"Oh!\" \"Do you really need me to transcribe this?\" \"You're not doing it for me.\" \"You're doing it for future generations who will benefit from my struggle.\" \"Sheldon's Mine Simulation Log, entry four:\" \"My Kit Kat has melted.\" \"All is lost.\" \"You call yourself a friend?\" \"!\" \"I was trying to help you!\" \"And at the first sign of trouble you ran away, leaving me to fend off a family of rats!\" \"You're a completely selfish human being and a... and a physical and a moral coward!\" \"His statements of the obvious continue to annoy.\" \"Sync, corrected by elderman @elder_man\""]]